donteatpoop

Not a story. I guess it's an attempt at a humorous quiz, though humor is entirely subjective.

How the hell did anyone rate this a 5 star?

Dafuq Pely? That's the worst reason for a low rating ever. Undeserving.

Porter or stout. Spot on Severenz. Though lately I've been drinking a lot of Irish Red Ales, normally the dark beers call out to me.

Found an old email from YazZMaN about this story:

What I disliked:

1. I don't like the overall idea, but since this is something which for any story depends largely on the point of view of the reader and is impossible to change anyways it's not a big deal. (The only reason I don't like it is because I feel like your writing about my town :()

2. I thought the end was "much of nothing" which I guess means in a sense, it achieved it's goal. Seriously though, I would like to see more adventure here and was disapointed with the end to that one pathway because it WAS a good story.


What I liked:

1. Superior descriptions and writing.

2. The characters are very, very, real. Especially Dan. (I would know)

3. The situations are very, very, real. Except for everyone automatically turning to you to make the decisions, but the damn choices had to get in there somehow huh?

4. Dan was one fucking funny fat-assed repulsive bastard.


Summed up: The story basicaly sticks to a very real town and is very realistic which in some ways is a good thing (people can relate to it and it dosn't get to far-fetched) but in some ways is a bad thing (I got bored with the lack of adventure and/or action [not including the crazy-ass-siemen-squirting-rock-fucking climax of the story])

So overall it's great. I would give it an 8-9 if I were to rate it based on what I read. I just thing it needs more adventure. Maybe the group ends up broken down in a ghetto? Maybe the car gets hijacked? Maybe the cops try to bust them and Teri pulls a gun out of her car and they go on a fucking awesome high-speed car chase?

Pretty good. I liked it. Defenitly unique.

Very well written. I was bored and looking for a story and saw this on the list, sooo glad I clicked it. Vesnicie is prolific, this is a well documented fact; and yet somehow each time I am taken aback by just how good she is.

Character development and setting immersion abound. Very good read. Thank you Ves for writing this and sharing it.

(look, I did it all without a single spoiler)

Porn. Not knocking you for that. It was well written enough... But it was really just porn. Not even believable porn, or porn with a decent storyline. Just porn... And not very descriptive porn at that. I'm not sure I agree with the comments on how detailed this is, and I struggled to find all of the 'vocabulary' that was hinted at.

Still though, far from the worst thing on here. Needs a lot more details and description to take it up a notch.

Comments from IWT4:

"Your choice to cloak the story in the ambience of Youngstown from the very beginning is a good one. It'd be nice to see that expanded some, to see the character interacting more with the city before any action or thoughts of action begin, and to see the city's falling apart as a theme that colors the story more strongly throughout. The assassin storyline seems a bit overdone these days, even with God in the character's mind (though it'd help if you really expanded on the "holy messenger" theme). It's well-enough written, though I prefer the emotional ties of some of your others, like "Brothers." "



"Not quite as unsettling as I had thought, once I figured out the protagonist's hobby. The psych aspect of it is interesting, and perhaps underplayed? Maybe not...too much of it would ruin this work. I kinda like the summary of the ass-father, though. "blahblahblah", "blahblahblahfuckyou"

For all the tone that is set in the first room, not much of it is mentioned in the rest of the story. Heck, the park only appears in one small branch. And you'd never know Youngstown is a ghost town based on what the protagonist encounters."



"I wished there were more. I got chills during the dream sequence (I wasn't even reading it that deeply). This was fresh and I reloaded the updating image of the town over and over. I want to know what happens to the Youngtowns Demon.

The only complaint I have aside from the story being incomplete (which is understandable) is the writing style. There were many moments where I felt sentences should have been edited for clarity or for flow.

One last comment: the amount of detail was impeccable. Not too much, not too little. "

And the last of the comments from IWT7:

"This story is so odd, yet so awesome. The portal to a new world is pretty much a dead, battered horse by now… but I don’t mind seeing it again, because the jaded white-collar guy makes it interesting. It’s also unusual (from what I’ve seen) to have a magical world be so twisted and dark- but then, given that you’re the author, I’m not at all surprised.

I did appreciate how the story moves into three different paths based on the central story concept, based on your initial choices. One for the evil entering his world, one for him entering the evil’s world after it has taken hold, and one for him taking the place of his lizard counterpart. It’s a nice variety, and it makes for almost three completely different stories.

I would have liked to have seen more about the Elevator Illuminati type organization that was hinted at, but perhaps that’s a part of the unwritten sections.

And, of course, I simply must comment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle style of page titles. It’s a nice injection of humor- especially amidst the sections of the story that are otherwise completely dark, gruesome, and devoid of hope."


"Your grammar is pretty good. Not quite as good as Usoki’s; MRH would probably give you a 5 or something, but that’s still high. “Mystic Elevator” is a good piece all around, but the grammar is better than I expected (of course, the stories of yours I’m thinking of are all pretty dated).

You lose some points for Plot/Creativity. If the elevator theme hasn’t been done outright before, there are plenty of variants (I felt a little HOID in there), and they aren’t your garden variety flesh-eating zombies, but the monsters don’t particularly stand out, either. It is very well-written, though, and you come off better for that in the Plot category than you otherwise would’ve.

This story really shines in terms of its ambience. I got a deliciously creepy vibe as I read through it, and your Enjoyment
rating earns a few points just for that. You put a lot of effort into the details; I like the repeated references to the ten extra minutes, the sarcastic flavor, and the raw treatment of office life. You earn an additional two tenths of a point for the AMM nostalgia reference, and your description of the Scottish stout (that, and it’s a good excuse to mess with Ryan’s head). The phrase “metal spoon” is an odd personal favorite of mine, so I’m glad that got in there, intentionally or otherwise. I love how oblivious you are to the whole thing throughout (office building daze, I guesss). You seem to have a pessimistic view of society (epitomized in the character of Joe and the firing of the security guard), like myself, and I sympathize. You might like Thomas Dish’s story “Descending,” as it has similar overtones in some ways (probably online somewhere).

“You walk over to the brown haired, average looking and average sized Jim and try to figure out what the hell his deal is.

You go for the direct approach.

“What’s your deal?” You ask.” "



"This was my favorite story entered. I liked how there are three different sub-stories that all seem way different. Especially the twilight zone stuff in the white-collar setting was cool. And I liked the "joke about fellatio" part. All the humor was good.

I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, but without those, this story really was almost perfect. Hopefully it will take the win."

More comments from IWT7

"I can't find much to criticize about it other than I got more of a horror vibe from it rather than an urban fantasy one. Other than that it's a solid story."


"I like where this was going, but none of the endings were particularly satisfying. The office branch is my favorite, as well
as the most fleshed-out, and I’d like to see more of what happens after the main character joins up with Johnson to go undercover. Overall, there’s some lack of clarity about what’s going on and who these people from the alternate dimension are or why the main character is thought to be dead (I guess his double who’s native to the alt. universe was killed).

Nonetheless, it was very fun to read and I’m confident that expanding on it later will lead to more explanations and more substantial story arcs."


"This had the hallmarks of a story that can have you doubting which is the character’s true reality by the time the plot runs its course, one that starts to get you thinking. In particular I liked the narrative style. It flowed well and was a pleasure to read.

I liked the plot. The path where the hero goes to work and takes the elevator up was the most intriguing and in my opinion the most well developed. The foreshadowing worked well, and the way things gradually got a little bit weirder with each choice really built up the tension.

There were three distinctly different paths (that I found), and what interested me was how and each had its own separate mood and narrative style. It really felt like these were three completely separate stories. I had the feeling, however, that the Down elevator and the Stay at Home stories were a little rushed, but have the potential to shine through with a little TLC."

Comments from IWT7:

"The writing style is distracting at times, sometimes there were lots of unnecessary words, could have used a second-read

over. Just as I was getting into it, there was an abrupt end and I never felt any kind of resolution."


"It seems like I remember reading part of this somewhere before, but either way I really enjoyed it, even though it felt more

like a 28 Days Later inspired thing that actual 'Urban Fantasy'. Though, I guess zombies are technically fantasy too,

so...uh, nevermind. The
writing was good, I especially liked the little bit of humor tossed in the intro chapters before everything went to hell. I

happen to like traditional zombie stories, and several scenes were nicely creepy, but (and I feel like I'm saying this in my

comments for pretty much EVERY story) both main paths felt like they got cut off by the deadline just as they started to

really get going. I hope you decide to continue this sometime."

One more comment from the contest:

"This is another example of a story that would have been much more competitive if only Mr. Poopyface had bothered to complete it, or complete half of it, or complete a third of it. I didn't look at the page count initially, so I received a nasty shock when I stumbled upon a dead end just as the story was getting juicy. All the plot pieces were in place to make this a truly thrilling romp with lots of sexy-fun thrown in to make things muy caliente, but all that self-abuse must have tuckered the poor fellow right out before he could get too far.

There is a sad underside to all of Poop's writing, and this is something that I wouldn't trade for all the gold of Antium. Or some place golden. I liked how the option to shut down and give up kept popping up as though to reassure the poor reader, "Yes! Suicide is an option!" and that even in such hokey adventurey stories as sci-fis tend to be, there still exists the inescapable psyche and its tendency towards depression. The description of his shut-down process and gradual loss of memory was some pretty effectively heavy shit thrown into the midst of all the clitoral stimulation and blasting ass in search of that big F-word, Freedom.

As usual, Poop's grammar and syntax and all that stuff is pretty fucking sloppy, and way more sloppy than it should be for a writer of his caliber. He just doesn't seem to care that this kind of shit knocks off points that don't have to be knocked off and make him look sort of rough-necky to the uninitiated. But I get the feeling now, 6 years after making Mr. Poop's acquaintance, that he just doesn't give a hootin' or a holler. That's cool. You won a contest, so it's not like you're short on glory or anything. But still. Lazy sot.

Of all the writers in this year's contest, Poop is the least likely to slip into mind-numbing nerdism, focusing on dull details that no one cares about and forgetting to add little things like three full dimensions to his stories. What so many sci-fi writers don't seem to realize is the fact that you can't move into the fifth dimension if you haven't yet gotten beyond two. The drive to dive right into the obscure is often indicative of a desperate bid to cover up a poor grasp of the mundane. Nobody makes the mundane interesting like Poop does. Not that sex robots are exactly run-of-the-mill, but his stories are always rooted firmly on the ground with both feet, or however many feet they might happen to have.

Seriously, though, Poop, you need to get your shit together. You need to finish your shit. You need to edit your shit. You gave such exquisite care to the first two or three pages, but by the end you were reduced to referring to "bewbs" and using ungodly numbers of exclamation marks. And this from the guy who hates smileys. I know these are just place markers, but still...insert a grammar enema; wait five minutes; lose the shit; become the kewlest guy in town!"

More comments from the contest:

"I also very much liked this story and read all of the pages, so far. I feel a little bad, because I like his lazy filler pages the most (run like a motherfucker, motherfuck). The writing was solid and emotionally detached, which seemed really fitting for the Andrew model, but there were a few weird spelling mistakes (ridiculous doesn't have an e in it). The plot seemed like it was kind of bungled together from a bunch of different Scifi movies, so not a lot was new, but I still liked all of it and how it meshed together. I really did enjoy the story. I wish I could have actually killed the shit out of Alice, she is kind of a huge raging bitch tits. Um, and the theme made really good use of a futuristic setting that's just similar enough to day to day life to be unnerviing."



"The story idea is quite an interesting one. The writing style was good and flowed easily, with very few mistakes. I found it interesting to see how mankind apparently treats robots. A sexbot is, at least, a different take on the sci fi genre - at least in the sorts of things I read. (I never actually thought anyone would take up the suggestion of a sexbot. You'd think I would know better by now).

I tend to not have very much interest in stories slanting towards the erotic side, which is more of a personal taste than a reflection on a writer. Still, I read to where the rooms ended because the plot was interesting enough once I got to the part where the reader-character was acting differently to the programming.

There were, however, a few rooms that were clearly put in place to act as fillers and weren't nearly as well-written as the first lot of rooms. I know it was to make the story eligible for the contest, but I'm afraid it did detract from the rest of the story. And there were many questions that I found had been left unanswered.

If there were more rooms and more explanations as to what was going on, I'd mark it much higher.

Oh - and regarding the themes. The only one I could tell was the non-human protagonist. There were probably others, but I didn't notice them (which is probably more down to me than the writing).

So... good attempt, but I would have liked to see more."

More comments from contest:

"Very little spelling/grammar errors I noticed. Story had an excellent flow to it and I enjoy how the author is so descriptive, even during the *ahem* naughty bits. I actually felt sorry for Andrew the android.

Love the premise of this story. A utopian society ruled by women who use man bots simply for menial tasks and sex. Genius. The lack of an ending is my complaint here. The story has a couple of interesting options where you can join a resistance against the utopian society or return back to Alice. I think both options would be interesting to expand upon. When I couldn’t read on any longer, I was quite disappointed. That, however, is the mark of a talented author, which you are. Keep going with this story please.

From start to finish I was grinning like an idiot. Suffice it to say this story entertained the hell out of me. I wish it was longer and more fleshed out, but what a journey you took me on so far. Oh the many adventures a renegade sex bot could have…So many delicious options. Hats off to you sir, for such an enjoyable read.

Best use of theme was non-human protagonist. Andrew is a great non human character, full of all the complexities of being a robot and slowly gaining individuality. It’s a classic sci-fi theme, but one that works well for a talented writer such as yourself. The utopia theme worked to serve as a background for why Andrew was created and needed, but I felt this could have been fleshed out a bit more. The last theme was difficult for me to decipher, but I realize it was cybernetic revolt due to Andrews’s actions. Good use of the theme, but once again it could have been fleshed out a bit more. Why exactly was the problem occurring in Andrew models? Were all other Andrew models destroyed or had some escaped destruction? Overall this was a well written romp through the mind of a sex robot and I hope you continue the story to its satisfying conclusion. "

Comments from the contest results:

"I... well, I expected nothing less from DEP. Once again, the story is set in a fantastic setting, where we only skim the top layer. I frequently forgot there were no human men. I kept expecting to see squicky scenes involving other owners and/or other robots. Have we not gotten that far yet? It's kinda weird that Andrew is the only robot in the story.

I am curious about where some of these story threads will lead, although I guess it's possible that all roads lead to the resistance, and the only real difference is how much death and carnage you make along the way. Or I suppose there could eventually be a revolution...

I was surprised at how many rooms had a large number of choices- especially considering how many of them seem similar. But, I guess you know what you're doing. Or, if you don't, you're doing a pretty good job of keeping the loose ends under check. "

I'm not rating this yet, just wanted to offer some comments. This reads more like an outline. You need some description. A little work on that and you can add an eerie feeling to the scene. Little things like, time of day; what kind of shit is the character hearing or thinking... That sort of thing.

Not even an attempt at correct spelling? You actually managed to mispell "you." Nicely done.

What the hell is this?

You suck Butterballs.

Sad thing is, if the original writer had posted this here I probably only would have rated it one or two higher.

Still though, it's not your story. Please delete it. Posting something that is not your without the permission of the original author is a really shitty thing to do. Maybe not technically plagerism, but it's still a huge pile of bullshit.

Again, please delete the story.

For those viewing this and wondering what all that nonsense was about, we used to not be able to see who posted comments unless it came with a rating. Still not sure who Bill is, though.

That's not true actually, XTNUMBERS. It's just a large story with many unfinished paths. There are at ten endings that I can remember (it's been a while since I've written or read it), three of which are quite in depth.

Paul has at least two solid endings.

Mikey and Kenny (spoiler alert) die in a whole bunch of different ways.

There are quite a few complete story lines, in fact... Though not all completed story lines lead to an ending.

It's possible that you just don't know what a story line is. Or perhaps you were going for a different word? Or... Maybe you only read some of the story and assumed that you had somehow read everything?

Not really sure. Personally, I think your complaint about it's unfinished status is canceled out by you admitting that you didn't read it all.

You scored above a one because you used capitalization correctly.

You scored above a two because you used punctuation mostly correctly.

You scored below a four because your story fucking sucked. Seriously, what the fuck was this garbage. I feel like your cat ate a keyboard and you posted what it spit out. You fail at life. The end.

OK, so starting out in the middle of the action isn't a bad thing, as long as you explain things as the story goes on... Which you failed to do.

Also, I'm not sure which grade of English you're in, but sentences begin with capital letters.

Wow. Even derelicts like magic and coolguy rated this low. You got a one out of people who generall get rated with ones. Hell of an accomplishment.

I understand that you're trying to step outside the norm and avoid certain genres but literature is not a genre.

I'm not even sure what to say of this story. Needs a lot of editing work. Your dialogue is rushed and awkward. You need to use descriptive wording.

Still though, far from the worst thing on here. If that's not a depressing statement I'm not sure what is.

The writing was pretty solid, but you could use some work in paragraph structure. It seemed in some of your rooms that you weren't sure where to end one and begin another so you just left it in a big block; and in other rooms there were suddenly two paragraphs where there should only be one.

The only reason I didn't rate you higher is that I didn't catch the part where this was a story. Just a fuck session. The entire background information of your story is "we went for a walk and then we fucked." I also found it odd that the protagonist wasn't even sure if he should hold her hand and then all of a sudden "let's get it on!" Even in Penthouse Forums there is a bit of a story before the fucking begins.

Even if your entire plot is about sex (weak though that may be), you should at least give your reader an indication of who the characters are or what the hell is going on. Is this a first date? Are they friends who are suddenly into more? Who are these people, and why are they fucking?

If you're going for a romantic fuck fest story, it's not hard to do. Take the classic approach, two people that shouldn't be together based on social class but are unable to resist due to the power of love. (Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Water for Elephants, etc.)

Anyway, hope you keep writing. You have skills, you just need to work on the narritive aspect of storytelling.

Not the worst story I've read, but far from the best. Could use a little actual work on it, but at least it's readable.

Oh for fucks sake, what idiot would rate this a ten?

I feel like you ate alphabet soup and took a shit on your keyboard to come up with this.

I don't understand. I sold crack, made enough money to buy cloths; and purchased a hoodie. And yet, I was robed. How can I be robed? I didn't buy a robe, I bought a hoodie! Dammit!

Was it a hoodie robe? Like a robe that has a hood? I guess that would make sense. But then for some reason I walk home in my birthday suit. What happened to my robe-hoodie?

This story confused me.

- Not bad. A lot of grammar and/or editing issues.

- I like Star Wars. Not too knowledgeable about it, but I like it. I liked episodes 3-6; 1 & 2 sucked balls. But really the original three were the best. I’m not just saying that for the sake of nostalgia either, the new ones (the prequels) were just trying too hard to recapture the excitement of the last three, and were just too grandiose.

- What worked so well for the original series was the intimacy we had with the characters, they were all easy to identify with (at least with the ‘good guys’); and thus gained the audiences sympathies. The prequels just seemed to focus on making sure that we knew Anakin/Vader and the other Jedi’s were badass mother fuckers. Well, we know that already. Explaining that a Jedi is a badass is redundant. The other thing the original series did better was have the characters react to the plot, rather than the plot depending on the characters. I’d say it’s just me, but I know it’s not.

- I suspect a lot of the people who instinctively claim the original is better are predominantly speaking from a nostalgia standpoint; but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I literally HATED episode one and was bored during episode two and episode three was… It was okay. I think the only thing I really liked about it was seeing Yoda kick some ass.

- Anyway, as for your story…

- This paragraph needs broken up and spread out of the giant cluster that it is: While you were talking to some new friends the sergeant walked to you. "Congratulations private". She said. "Thanks mam". You answered. "You know what, we need someone like you at our front lines". "Wouldn't I get killed"? "Doesn't matter, we're going to send you to Kashyyyk". "Why Kashyyyk, ain't that place just a big forest"? "Yes, but it is a big forest with strong Wookies, Wookies would made excellent slaves". "I'm guessing I have no choice". "Pretty much, now go"!

- You have to work on following this rule. Though there are a few exceptions to it, none of them applied to your story. Here is the rule: Whenever someone speaks, unless it is a continuation of thought; a new paragraph begins.

- Rooms are very short and lacking in content. Add some description. “After a lengthy battle the Republic managed to destroy the Sith Battle Cruisers.” To me, that was a wasted opportunity. Provide some details of the battle, make it exciting. Just “there was a battle and you lost, escape pods are starting up” makes it boring.

- “Because their marriage is forbidden you never left your house which means you never made any friends.” Why was their marriage forbidden? A brief explanation on this, and other similar aspects of your story, would add new depth to your narrative. Another instance: “Well alright, just wait till all these Younglings are done.” So you waited. These Younglings definitely have potential. Finally it's your turn.’ Well what the hell happened? Either give a brief description as to what the Younglings did (highlight one of them that stands out or something) or don’t even mention them.

- Here’s another one that I found really lacking: The choice that lead here was to become Master Zaroff’s apprentice -> "That's why I'm here". You said. Master Zaroff smiled, took out his hand, you grabbed it, and he helped you up. Couple weeks later you were given the rank of Padawan, would have been sooner if the Council wasn't focused on the war. That was it? That was the whole training. That would be like Luke Skywalker going to train under Yoda but never actually meeting Yoda or seeing any of the shit that happened on that little swamp planet. You ripping the reader off, man. Makes me wonder why the choice to become an apprentice is even there since there was nothing to read about the training or whatever.

- You are in need of some serious editing. This came from a single paragraph but there are more like this riddled throughout your story: You did that at ease. Next was to pull them towards you. To easy. Should be ‘you did it with ease. The next task was to pull them toward you. It was too easy.’ Even if you stick with your sentence structure (lacking though it sometimes is), you should be able to distinguish between ‘to, too, and two’; and doing thing WITH ease, not ‘at’ ease… That makes less sense than a polar bear licking peanut butter off of my balls. (which did NOT happen no matter what you've heard in the media.)

-Was going to give it a 5, but there are a LOT of rooms, so I gave you an extra point.

I feel like I've finally found a story that taps into the vastly ignored market of squirrels. I feel like they would like this story if it had more nuts in it. Obviously this wasn't written for humans, so I won't waste your time commenting on grammer or spelling or plot lines. Instead I'd like you to think about your target audience; the squirrels. Nuts. You need to write more about nuts. Acorns. Maybe trees and running away from dogs. That sort of thing.

I feel like I accidentally continued reading this. So you get an extra point for subliminally convincing me to press forward through the pages.

But I feel like you lose every other point because after making what seemed like an unending series of choices, all that I had accomplished in the story was this:

I woke up, got dressed, grabbed a briefcase, locked the door, and opened the damn thing.

I submitted a room that ends in me killing myself. I hope that you approve it because I feel like it's the perfect ending after reading this.

I'm struggling to find something positive to say. I'm convinced you meant to say "Weird Pokemon Adventure" but were too dumb to spell weird correctly. In the fucking title.

Anyway, I guess I'll just offer you some tips to improve you writing. So... Sentences begin with CAPITAL LETTERS and end with punctuation. Thank you.

Well you won the tournament for a damn good reason. This is undobtedly the best thing I've read from you. The characters seem real enough and you the worlds were described perfectly, you made the reader realize what was going on instead of dumbing it down and just telling them. All in all, great story diserving of the win.

I once gouged my eyes out with my fingers, dug through the blood and eye jelly and just clawed them right out. I'd like to tell you a brief story about what lead up to this tragic event.

I read this story.

The end.

Wait, let me get this right... The 'introduction' (which is similar to reading the back of a novel) had the beginning of the story. Which means that page 1 started out in mid thought. If that wasn't shitty enough to make my eyes bleed, I found higher word counts on the ingredient lists on cereal boxes.

With that in mind, I can remember a time when I liked reading this type of thing. I think I was eight or nine years old at the time.

Also, if you're going to have your buddies cheat and rate you a ten; at least make it half way decent. I don't mind people cheating as long as it's not TOTAL bullshit.

I once unzipped my pants and dropped my balls repeatedly on the keyboard to produce something very much like this story. It was a pain in the ass getting the hairs out from under the keys though.

Well this was a waste of my time. I went "random story" and this is what they sent me. At first I was like "This thing has 804 rooms, how has no one rated it?" Then I started reading it.

Ouch. This is either a terrible game or a terrible story. Or both. I'm thinking both.

Sadly, this is far from the worst thing on the site so I won't give you a 1.

Now that the contest is over I can give you an appropriate rating. Excellent job Kaze, great first story on the site. You seemlessly blended the macabre with futurism; amazingly well told story. There were a few spots where it seemed like the robo-protagonist seemed a bit too human, but otherwise this was a perfectly splendid affair.

donteatpoop exemplifies everything that is right in the world of literature.

Many, many things Ves. But what brings on the question?

This is the greatest story written in the history of ever.

Leah, I can't hear what you're saying. Take those balls out of your mouth.

My God, this story is amazing. Whoever wrote this should be given countless blowjobs by a team of supermodels who have have been cyberneticaly enhanced with the properties of a Hoover vacuum!

Well I can certainly see why this was rated so high. You two must know each other.

Terribly written. I assume you're not going for anything fantastic and that this is little more than a shits and giggles story so I won't go too in depth.

But a ten it is not. Hell, it's barely a 2. Poor spelling, grammar, lack of plot, and mostly uninteresting. You got a 2 rather than a 1 because I enjoyed the far-too-brief description of the waitresses butt.

Don't want to rate it yet because it appears to still be a work in progress.

I was pleasantly surprised, expecting to find the usual lollergazm gibberish that you find in stories with random-sounding titles. I still get the impression this story is going to turn into randomness, but hopefully not over-much. The writing quality was excellent though, especially in the rooms you chose to expand upon and actually write more than a few sentences. It seems like you have a subtle sub plot brewing behind it all, but maybe it only seems that way.

Look forward to checking this one out down the road and seeing where it goes.

What the fuck did I just waste my time reading?

Shit.

Ben = DEP.

Dammit. Now you know my true identity. You must die.

Thank you, mysterious predatorking bashing person.

-Ben

Not all that bad, actually. I think you are lacking a lot with discription and it seems like you rushed yourself a lot in a few places. One of the more difficult things about writing (at least for me) is skipping details in order to further the plot. Coming back to it doesn't always work.

Very well written Dragavan. Excellent protagonist and, despite the slightly stereotypical plot, very easy to read. You put a lot of artistry into this, and I don't really consider it 'porn' necessarily. The story is just too damn good to be classified as such.

That being said, I have to admit that I really liked the rating you got with the comment "HUGE BONERS". That was some funny shit.

The site's integrity? Ha! You crack me up.

Great work here, Fezero. Excellent writing. You've done a great job with your description. Only draw back I found is that I would have liked to know what the character was doing entering this gate in the first place, like what's the point?

Great writing though. Hope to read more.

This story was pathetic. I realize that your protagonist was supposed to be pathetic; but the writing didn't have to be.

Where do I start with a critique on this one?

Stories have a few basic elements, one of which is called a plot. Try and develop one of these before attempting to write a story, it should pretty much be the first step.

Character development. This story had none. In fact it only had one character, really. Unless you count a kid that laughs at you or a lady at a store who somehow marries you.

Try and actually write a room or two in your story. One or two sentences does not count as writing.

Maybe you should start with reading though. Pick up a book or two, read them in their entirety, then try to write like that.

Shit, even "see dick run, run dick run" had a more elaborate plotline and writing structure than this crap.

Terrible story.

The only saving grace was that I could actually read what you wrote. Picking little words was a safe bet.

Interesting. I thought I was the only one who had a TMNT fan fic. And both of us took strange paths with ours.

When I first started reading it I thought it was going to get a one. But it appears that you actually wrote this one, not just a couple of two line rooms.

A little proofreading would go a long way for you.

Good work. You've managed to write at a third grade level. I love the attention to detail you failed to give this story. Who needs a plot anyway, right?

Profound. This story sets the bar high for future writers. The setting is alive and breathing and is as much a part of the story as the characters themselves. Brilliant work, Ves. Have my babies?

The quantity of writing is there, and the basic storyline is there; but did you really include "WTF?" as a part of someone's dialogue? Do you really talk to people that say "WTF?" instead of "What the fuck?"

This isn't a chatroom, it's a story. Please write it accordingly.

A little editing could make this into a pretty solid story.

Thanks. I too enjoy exploding kittens.

By the way, who the fuck is Bill? -dep

This is, hands down, one of the best stories on the site. I think I've said it to you before, and I'm going to say it again; you are one of the best writers on here. It's great to see you continue to develope. Keep up the great work.

I am about to delete the ratings, but wanted razmans comments to be somewhere since he was kind enough to leave some. His rating was a 9, but as I mentioned in the description it's not ready to be rated:

razman - Well done, poop. This is a great story, with plenty of description and a brilliant story, overall. You should be proud, although there are a few spellings errors, likely to be caused by carelessness and not deliberate. You may want to think about raising the maturity rating slightly, due to the awesome descriptive deaths and the gruesome cannibalism of Vladamir. (That is one sick, messed-up guy!)

Reading this story was like seeing my grandmother naked; painful to the eye and wholly unecessary.

Absoultely brilliant. This is one of the best on the site. And, to my knowledge; the only story marked "horror" that was actually a little scary.

Obviously you have created a second account so that you could rate your story a 10. I know this because no one in their right mind would rate this drivel above a 3. You can't spell, can't form coherent sentences, can't even contrive a decent plot device.

Tell me about it. And I assume you are going to intermingle the characters here and there; that can add several wrenches into your writing.

It's a damn good story, End. At par with Necromancer... I think I even liked it a bit more. Encountering some of the family from Necromancer was a nice touch too, and the "letters" added a bit of flare as well.

On the negative side, there were quite a bit of editing errors and typos throughout the story.

I feel so enlightened after reading this.

Furries

I really enjoy stories that allow you to take multiple perspectives. I did the same thing with Brothers, Assault of the Sorcerer Kings, and Arena. Good start. I'll hold off on rating it per your request... But the comments aren't working???

Wow. Normally I'm not a fan of randomness, but this story was genuinely amusing. The very premis, that tartar sauce is flooding the streets, was hilarious. Great work.

The only way this could have been better is if there was an element of seriousness to it. For instance, a protagonist who is not encountering a bunch of random crazy things, who is just trying to survive the tartar sauce flood, would make this even better. Why? Because slapstick rarely works, especially in writing. There needs to be a "straight man", like an Abbot to Costello. Personally, an "adventure" on this humorous storyline would make it much funnier (partly BECAUSE it is serious when something so foolish is happening) and much more engaging.

But either way, great contribution to the site, glad you took it off of Mature (otherwise I never would have read it).

An indication that your story wasn't well told is when the reader has to ask what the hell the story was about after reading it.

And I have to ask, What the hell was this story about? You gave no clues, no details, shit I'd hesitate to call it a story at all.

What did you lace your crack with that made you think this would be a good idea for a story?

I like how you claim that lying ruins the story, but fail to write an actual story.

You're still one of my favorite writers on the site, and this is exactly why. You are paint the scene from an emotional level so that the reader is almost forced to bond with the character they choose. You are magnificent. Unfortunately, you rarely finish a story, and it is disappointing for your readers.

A comment from my wife on the story:

"I don't want to read it anymore! No matter what I do, their lives just get worse. *sob*"

okay, I added the "sob", but it was in her tone.

The first room in the story was decent. Not particulary well written, but it showed promise and had several sentences. But every room from there on made me want to slit my wrists. A child could write a more detailed story than this.

At least you didn't try and fool us with a username like "masterful writer".

Before I reset the old ratings, the best comment in the ratings section for me was:

"Most depressing infinite-story site ever. I'm going to go slit my wrists now." - TheKoolAidGuy

The opening was absolutely awesome. I noted several spelling errors that a quick spellcheck might have fixed. I got so frustrated that I couldn't do anything more than explore the town that I almost gave you an eight.

It's a nice set up, but it needs a ton of work put into it.

I would have rated you higher if you had been more descriptive or had a more solid storyline. The rooms were pretty short, especiall the 'end' rooms. The beginning of the story threw me too, the protagonist is just being attacked/chased out of nowhere. What the hell happened? If you want to get the reader involved in the story (and really, that should be every writers goal) you need to give some bacground information. Just throwing the character in a situation is fine, but there needs to be some explanationa s to why they are in that situation.

I enjoyed the way you made this part adventure, part trivia, that was a very unique take.

I think this story suffers from "first story syndrom", assuming this is your first story. Once you practice a little, I think you'll get the hang of it and start delivering quality stories.

Welcome to infinite-story, by the way. Hope this helps...

There were only two things in your story that I feel should be critiqued.

1.) When writing a story that takes place in a historic-like setting, you should try to avoid modern terms such as "no dice" "dickhead" and "okay". It takes away from the believability of the story.

2.) Try to give some physical description of the characters. The background information you supplied was great, but what do these people look like? Not only will this help to make your story more easy to visualize, but it will also allow you to avoid using their names so much in your writing.

That aside, I liked the story. It was an entertaining read, and I wanted to keep reading more (so you didn't bore me at all).

I was going to give you a 9, but that random asshole gave you a 3. You never did give yourself enough credit, chubby. You're a brilliant writer.

I'm guessing with his forehead, apotheosis.

I don't. It needs a ton of work.

-DEP

I've scribbled more tangible sentences in the snow with my piss.

A shame too, I was looking forward to reading a decent ninja story.

I know that second grade can be difficult, so I'll kindly remind you that the first letter in a sentence should be capitalized (you know, BIG LETTERS).

Your 'story' lacks depth. I know you said you put a lot of work into it, but it seems like you neglected to work on the storyline.

one thing you will find with most writers is that they use more than one sentence to describe a scene. you have failed to do that.

I don't know man. This is the worst thing you put out. (next to that Quinn the barbarian story) I know you were just testing the waters when you wrote it, but I still can't find myself enjoying reading this one.

Glad you are no longer interested in taking sides in the battle.

If I saw you right now, I would totally kick you in the poke-balls. What a waste of time.

Did you ever start reading a book only to fin that it had less than two sentences on each page? That's what happened to me when I read this. Mazes can be cool, but this should be a story. Most stories have things called "plots", look it up and try to include a plot in your next "story".

Magnificent. The collaboration efforts were flawlessly stylised to mimic one another, making a smoothly flowing story that is extremely engaging despite the lack of a cohesive plot. While the "day in the life of..." genre has been covered many times before, I have never seen it covered so well.

Unlike Usoki, I found the clues to the mental capacity of the main character in the title alone, followed shortly after by the whole "I'm a little teapot" thing. The clues are there, the readers just aren't always paying attention.

Great work.

As with everything you've written, it is well done. I found the humorous edge to the story to be more annoying than entertaining, however.

Very well done, Gribble. Excellent writing, and it seems that an actual plot is just over the horizon here. You seem to be setting up for the plot well, anyway.

I'm not entirely sure if Wild Turkey was around back then, but I could be wrong on that.

Awesome jow, hope to see more from you.

I understand the whole "You people just don't get the humor, there are a lot of inside jokes you don't get," thing. But if there are a bunch of inside jokes other people wouldn't get, why the fuck did you post this anywhere other than your own site? (Where I assume your humor would be understood). Fucktards.

I once flatulated, bare-assed, on a keyboard. The flecks of shit hit a few keys, and they came closer to forming something worth reading.

I never did see that keyboard again.

Meh.

This does not deserve a comment.



Fuck. I just screwed that up, didn't I?

I played this game. It was terrible. I can't believe you just copied it down word for word. You should change your name from happyhak to notalenthak.

Can't believe I didn't rate this one yet. Excellent story, End. (but you knew that). The rogue definately has the best path, the only thing that prevented you from getting a ten is the warrior path. Ugh.

In your description you have "please edit". I'm surprised no one has taken you up this since the the story is less than 500 words.

This is one of the most interesting stories on the site. The basic concept of it was very strange and creative. Nice work.

This had a lot of detail put into it and a pretty good plotline. There were a number of typos and grammatical errors that really need some attention as they pull the reader from the story. Overall, well done. I look forward to reading more from you.

This was the first story worth reading that I encountered when I joined this site. In comparison to everything else you have written it is very sub-par. But in comparison to everything else on the site, it definately stands out for its quality writing.

Here's the thing, if you are going to write "action/adventure", don't try to be funny. A kid eating his boogers would be fine in a humorous story, but it jest detracts from the adventureous mood you were apparently trying to create.

Sorry, I can't rate a linear story very high on this site, regardless of the warning.

For your next project: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I've seen better stories written on my penis. And that says alot, since I only have 2 1/2 inches to work with.

I think you have a really good idea here that needs expanded on. Your story lacks description, which is essential in writing a good story. Use adjectives, they do wonders. Also, Sentences acutally begin with capital letters.

Normally I would have rated this story a 2, but the potential got you an extra point. Put some more work into your existing pages and you should have a decent story here.

This rating of 1 is actually quite generous given the amount of work and effort you put into it.

Another excellent job EndMaster. This isn't my favorite of your works, but there is so much more detail and story in this than any of your other stories. Excellent plotlines, your character development was great and you actually managed to provide the reader with a series of interesting side characters.

I'll give you credit. Of all the new stories from new members that suddenly flooded this site, you proably wrote the best one.

Still though, your story could have used a LOT more description and details. As it stands, it almost looks like you have the frame work of a plot, you just need to develope it more. Don't be afraid to use more than a paragraph per page/room.

Welcome to the site.

I am almost disturbed that there is a sequel. What's worse is that the writing hasn't even improved.

What the fuck is a facepunch? Is that just someone who goes around punching people in the face? Or a person who is constantly punched in the face? Is this some new slang that I haven't come to understand? Or are you all a bunch of morons who were trying to be clever.

I bet that's it. You're trying to be clever. Sometimes, why you fail at something you are trying at but utterly failing at, you should just stop trying.

And stop breathing while you're at it.

So what's worse? The lack of plot? The poor quality of writing? The "if you make the wrong choice you die" aspect?

Shit. It's hard to decide. I guess the writing would have to be it. Plotless stories can come out decent if the writing is good, and I can take being forced to go only one direction in order to keep reading if the writing is good (but I'd prefer not to be forced around like that.)

Without the quality writing, the story is not readable.

I take it you were inspired by "Go dog, go!"?

Not basing this on content, just word count. Bleh.

Ugh. What a fucking catastrophe. My eyes are going into remission. What the fuck was that?

I know you put it under humor, and I'm sure your idea to write in ebonics seemed clever to you in your head, but trust me when I say that it wasn't.

Instead of writing a potentially amusing story without any semblance of a plotline (yes, I am aware that is a contradiction, but are you?), you put a collection of words into your mouth, chewed them up into bits, digested them, and shat out a mess entitled "Gangsta Life".

I almost gave this a 9.

Good story, excellent writing, truly an amazing first effort for the site. I can't wait to see what else springs forth from you.

Why didn't I give you a 10? Spelling is off in several places.

Why didn't I give you a 9? There is no possible outcome beyond two rooms of reading if the reader does not choose to talk to the girl. While stream lining is sometimes necessary, it should not be as heavy as this.

I am conflicted. The writing was pretty good, but was more humorous than thrilling. It definately had a light hearted feel to it. You used full sentences, and lenghty rooms, both of which are definate pluses. But I didn't really dig on the story too much, and almost had to force myself to maintain a level of interest at times. Also, how can vampires not kill people and still remain secretive? Don't they still leave two puncture marks on the victims?

Without a doubt, one of my favorite stories on this site. I have even linked to it on another website so that the masses can gather 'round and stare in awe at it's awesomeness.

In the beginning of reading it, I really felt like the author did a good job of leaking details about the place and it's past through memories, and I had hoped it would continue.

One of the choices that threw me a little from this story was, when you realised this was Suzie's old place, you run to the nearest town and look her up in the phone book. How lame is that shit?

It also had one room that involved some "reader picks the prop" choices. You known how I despise those. "Something comes around a bend, is it a dog, some guy with a gun pointed at you, or an old lady?" I just made that one up, but that's the kind of shit I'm talking about.

The additions of the other writers broughyt this down from an eight to a seven, and I'm tempted to go one step further for the six, but I'll hold back. You have the option to review other peoples' contributions for a reason, man.

You did the right thing by deleting the most wretched of your rooms. It's a shame so many more are in there.

Poop here. I guess these comments are sort of anonymous unless you inroduce yourself. The creator of Pheonix Stalker is michaelrayholt, the creator of Dr. Metzger is EndMaster.

Amazingly well told. Excellent story. Your writing is excellent... And you're only 15 years old??? Damn. Nice work, the only advice I can offer you is to be careful with tenses. A few times your choice of past VS present tense seemed wrong and can confuse the reader.

Great job though. Stick around and write more, dammit.

Loved it, a very primal science fiction.

You description is like a 3rd grade essay on enviornmental regulations.

Hmmm... It's a quiz, which I was obviously expecting... But it doesn't seem to progress from easy to hard. For instance, the "what is this:" followed by an image of a gay ass monster that no one really uses was a bit unfair... and then it's followed by "what do griffons eat." Griffons are fairly common in d&d (comparatively speaking), while that five eyed stupid looking thing is rare as shit.

By the way, I love the "d&d is for losers" ending. Good stuff. Who really uses the d100 though? Just get out a percentile.

Wicked entertaining story. Some of it reminded me of Carnivale (the HBO series, if you haven't seen it check it out), but it was pulled off well. The whole story had a controlled tension that set me on nerve, so great job setting up the uncomfortable atmosphere. To think the Infinite Writing Tournament (an idea of mine, mind you) could have spawned such amazing stories as this is a testament to the genious of the person who came up with the idea for a tournament.

I oncew mentioned to you that this was my favorite story you have ever put forth.., That was true until Ground Zero. But still, great work here. To think the Infinite Writing Tournament (an idea of mine, mind you) could have spawned such amazing stories as this is a testament to the genious of the person who came up with the idea for a tournament.

The writing is incredible, well thought out and described beautifully. You have a great deal of talent. Thank you for writing this story.

I was so close to giving you a ten, but I had to restrain myself. Why? Some of the "endings" aren't really endings. I mean, they end, but without any closure. For instance, after parachuting to the ground and running to the bushes and into the woods, I locate a team and join them as they head towards marker C.

... The End.

I know, I know, "the ending is left open to the imagination of the reader, thus provoking more thought", or whatever artsy-fartsy excuse you offer. I would take the same defense. BUUUUUUUT, in a story about the war and specifically about this battle, the story can't just be "You parachute, you land, you find a team." I think this would be an excellent opportunity for you to expand a little by writing a bit more about "YOU" and the team you found, develope some characters and what-not.

Anyway, I gave it a 9 because it was an excellent read. Nice job. Hope you stick around and produce more great stuf.

This reminds me of a story I wrote called "A Crappy Story". The correlation between my story and this one is centered around the poor quality of both stories... Mine was intentional though.

The concept you have hear is a good one. Starting out young and growing older through the eyes of Bob. However, the descriptions you give are rather short and limited. I recommend editing in some adjectives and additional bits of description. Also, by five choices deep the reader shouldn't still be making decisions that take place in the delivery room. At that pace the reader will quickly lose interest. Not only that but you'll be working on writing this thing forever.

You're slipping, End. That's three 10's for you in two days. You really should have deleted these by now. Mwahahaha.

Awesome job. Either you have a serious interest in the Japanese culture or you've done some serious research. Very believable bit of pulp fiction.

Where do I begin? Well... Let's start with some things I picked up in 1st grade. Sentences start with capital letters. In the 2nd grade I learned that numbers containing less than three digits are supposed to be spelled (like the number five). Then we'll move on to a more advanced 4th grade level where I would like to note that a sentence is a COMPLETE thought. "not likely" is not a complete thought, it is a fragment of a thought. Now I don't remember which grade tought me about adjectives, but look them up and use them because they are vital to any story.

I won't even go into plotlines and character development. Just keep in mind that if you are writing a story, not a note to your friends.

I was meaning to check this out but forgot all about it in my hectic work day. Thanks for plugging it in the forums.

Anyway, I gave you a seven (as you can see). I was torn between seven and eight, but I settled on seven. Here are the reasons why you got such a high rating as well as a few reasons on why you didn't.

Positive: This was a pretty good premise for an interactive story. You wake up somewhere and you gotta figure out why/what you are doing there. Yeah, that's been done before, but you presented it well. Also, I like that this isn't just a random "do this/do that" storyline like so many other "you wake up somewhere" stories.

Negative: You don't describe enough. Yeah, you described a little, but I need more. For instance, in the first room "You feel scared." Care to elaborate? In other words, don't just tell the reader how the protagonist feels, make them feel it. Describe the emotions. Maybe have the character think a few sentences which protray the emotion of fear and confusion. That kind of thing.

One other negative: Use double carraige between paragraphs. (press enter twice). Otherwise the formatting is difficult to read.

Great job with the story, though. I think there is a lot of room for improvement, but that's not a bad thing. You are molding with clay here, rather than the shit sculptures so many others put together.

Time is important to a lot of people. A great man by the name of Benjamin Franklin once said; "Time is money."

After reading this story, I have to agree. And you owe me some serious money, because this was pure shit. E-mail me and I'll give you an adress to send it to.

Wow. Very nice work. I am very impressed with your capabilities. The idea behind this alone was very well thought out and was presented superbly. Great job.

Nice concept, but I think you're missing some real opportunity for comedy here. This really should be in the humor section.

By the way, you describe situations like a Dick and Jane book. Hoping you know what that means.

My recommendation is that you edit in some silliness and capitalize on one of the best premises for a comedy that I have come across on this site. It ranks right up there with making a retarded kid work at an amusement park, or sending a redneck out looking for work.

I've read more involved stories in bowls of alphabet soup.

This story has an excellent plotline. Really, that portion of the story is quite brilliant, it's been done many-a-time in fantasy stories, but never (to my knowledge) in an interactive format.

The problem is that it looks exactly like a plot outline. I'm not really feeling the stroy. Had the stroy started out actually describing the attack on the royal family, it would have added a lot to the story itself as well as a real sense of tension for the reader.

I recommend you edit in some details and reset these ratings, I think you'll find much higher scores if you do so. I look forward to seeing how this story turns out, and to what else you may put forth in the future.

Write this down on some cardboard: WILL WORK FOR FOOD

Because that's about as far as your writing career is going.

Perhaps your writing skills would be put to better use filling out applications at McDonalds.

Did you know that sentences begin with capitalized words? Look into it. It's a hell of an advancement for literature.

I am impressed, Jeff. You have come a long way. You really excelled at the whole crime solving feel to the story, it was quite invigorating. I was put off initially by the dialogue between the soldiers, it seemed very forced and unnatural. And you had more spelling errors than one of MY stories, but once we got into the mind of Draco, the read was excellent. A job well done.

Your expectations were correct. I found this story meaningless and rife with errors...

Oh wait... Sorry... Let's try that again.

Man, u wuz rite, dis story sukt balz.

Just like everything written by donteatpoop to date, this gets a ten from me.

Dude...

This story wasn't very good, but comparitively speaking, it is far better than a one or two. It has a lot of problems, but the rooms ususally contain more than one sentence... which is usually where I throw the ones in.

You really didn't deserve that one, jeff. This story is pretty good. Not my favorite by far, but good.

As you said to yourself: "if you wrote, then it would be a good story."

One line per room is crap and undiserving of a ten, even if you gave it to yourself... four or five times. I mean, I rate myself a ten all the time, but only once, you fucking asshole. You really put the "you" in "fuck you".

I don't think jeff's comments regarding too many choices making you have to write too much is valid for this story, because you've found a way around that: Writing only a few words per room.

I've read more interesting ingredient lists on soft drink bottles. What the fuck is high fructose corn syrup anyway?

I found this story extremely boring. You described things well and everything, but the entertainment value was seriously missing. I don't even know how to help advise you to make this story interesting, so my advice to you is to choose another subject matter and try again.

As with all of your stories, Cat, great work.

And did that Gunshy guy seriously say that? Man. Even I'm offended by that.

Wow. I didn't even realize you had released a story, Korrin. So this is what I've been pestering you to put out so I can read? I am not disappointed. Excellent work. The story was very descriptive and involved. Me love it long time. Keep popping out stories, you have a great deal of talent.

I think YazZ's six was way too high, but Jeff's 2 was far too low. The 4 is right. You used multiple sentences, which is a good thing, but your sentences contained very few adjectives. Adjectives are essential in stories.

Also I was a little confused after passing my algebra exam that I headed to launch to eat. I didn't even know the school had a rocket.

Come on, dude. Seriously? Why did you bother. "Go Dog, Go" has you beat on descriptive writing.

This is the third story you've put out and all of them share the same qualitie; short rooms with very little desription. It's really disappointing, man. Most people learn the more they write, and in reading the comments on your previous stories, I can't help but notice how blatantly clear the message as to what your stories problem's are. You need to describe things in stories. These are not "First Reader" stories geared towards people just learning to read (or are they?). They are supposed to be stories. Just try a little.

This story, as oposed to your other two, actually seems like it could have potential, but again; in order to make a good story you have to actually use some words.

You have a lot of detail in this story, which is awesome. Detailed storied on this site are hard to come by.

However, one thing put me off in this story, and it was right in the beginning. What kind of government operation is "investigate a mysterious house and see if anyone lives there"?!? And furthermore, what kind of government operation says "Oh, you can bring a friend too if you like"???

Also, I really feel that this could be listed as a horror/thriller since it seems to hold that tension throughout it as you try to find out what the heck is going on with this house. It seems like it has potential to be really scary, so keep working on it.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I really don't get why ChubbyTeletubby rated you a ten.

But here;s why I rated it an eight. There are certain parts in the story where you have the chaqracter pause in speech and then continue, which is okay, but you have each sentence broken by seperate sets of quotation marks, which leads the reader to beleive someone else is speaking.

Also, the story itself just didn't engage the reader (me in this case.) I know you were going for the educational angle, but there needs to be some entertainment in with that if you want anyone to actually read it. A book that is strictly educational is commonly referred to as text books by students.

You can write well, I'm not sure why you only choose to show this on some of the rooms rather than all. I think your conception of buddhism (or however you spell it) is based on medea rather than actual research. If you are going to over things like this in your story, you have to do some researach. I was also put off by some of your abrupt endings; like when you choose to be David Koresh and the next room is THE END. There needs to be more substance there, at least one or two more choices after making that character selection. If you didn't want to follow through with that storyline, perhaps it should not have been in the story in the first place. Aside from that, I think the point your trying to make is definately a good one (though I'm sure the resident atheists will disagree and possibly knock you for it), the story itself just needs to be fleshed out more.

Oh, and Dashboard Confessionals are annoying like no other band can be. But that's just my opinion.

Apparently I didn't have to cheat the ten.

Like I said, man. Delete this shit. I liked it when EndMaster wrote it. Now come up with something of your own. Write your own story, even if it sucks balls, at least it is yours. Use your head and try to get creative, and come up with something of your own. If you need help brainstorming or something, send me a message, I'd be glad to help. Just don't pull this crap again.

I think your Oz spoof idea is a good one, but your room have little to no description, which is a huge drawback. The other major problem I encountered while reading your story was the sudden Endings, the reader should get at least three or four rooms deep before they reach an ending. My advice for you is to go through and edit in some detail to each of your rooms.

Also, this story does not need to be rated MA. MA is pretty much for pornography. I understand why you thought MA, because of munchkin violence and scarecrow crackheads, but R would cover this. It king of follows the movie rating guidelines that you would run into at the cinemas.

And by the way, I agree one hundred percent that if anyone in that movie was gonna be a crackhead, it would have to be the scarecrow. :D

Jumping Jimminy. I think this story was written by me.

You must have deleted this the first time before I joined the site, because I never read this one. It has it's moments, and it is definately good, but it's not quite of the same awesome calibur as what your efforts generally yeild.

Jumping Jimini! Smooth like a smooth thing that is very smooth-like without rough or jagged edges!

Fantastic first story. Loved it. I deducted one point because of a combination of things: Room 35563 has a repeated phrase in the first sentence, and I'm generally put off when the reader is choosing the actions of outside forces (like when Will eats the crumpet; the reader basically has to figure out what powers the crumpet instills in him.) It is my opinion that that type of thing should not be reader controlled, it adds a sense of uncontrolled storyline for the reader. That's my opinion on this anyway.

More good stuff: Your writing is subperb. Your delivery was excellent. My God, I can't wait to see what else you write.

Like I said before. The writing itself is superb. You have a lot of promise and a great deal of talent.

But I stand by my statement regarding the logic of the choices. "Run around Screaming", in my opinon is exactly the opposite of a logical choice. There are a couple irrational options as the story progresses, but that one is in the first room and therefor left a greater impression on me.

But like I said, the writing is excellent. Thus the 8 I gave. Nice job.

I was looking for adjectives, but I couldn't find any. When you discover adjecctives your stories might be readable.

Oh, and as to the "retry" option YazZMaN was raving over, when you end the story properly you have two "retry" options: "Go to Beginning" (pretty what you used), and "Go to last page". So the retry button just wasn't necessary in my opinion.

Another lame story. But at least it's not so rediculously offensive as the other one. Glad you chose to delete it. Sorry you got pissed with me (by the way you shouldn't message people if your settings have your own messages turned off). Despite the horribly offensive nature of your previous story, I was really making sure you didn't end up getting banned with your pedophile story (and believe me, you could've). By the wa, I never reported you, but others who were also offended did. All I did was try to save your ass. Glad you seemed thankfull with your reply "you no wat shut the fuck up...u have boring stories mine r cool. dumbfuck" Nice spelling by the way, in America we use WORDS. Especially in stories. and dumb fuck is NOT a compound word, it is two words.

This is another example of an excellent idea that was not allowed to develop before you placed it in here. I can see this working, but a lot of effort needs put in. For instance, this should be a story. A story. Not a series of sentences with one sentence per page.

You got a lot of extra points because the idea was extremely creative. But the "Write the story as you read", while creative, just doesn't seem likely to work out.

Great story, homer. The terrorist twist at the end was unexpected and well presented. I don't know how logical the terrorist reasoning was, but otherwise it was all good.

What the fuck where you thinking when you shat this mess out? If you were trying to tackle the issue of pedophilia, you went around it in the wrong way. This is just disgusting. Even if you were trying to be shocking, this was a dipshit attempt and a poor choice for subject matter. I recommend you delete this story and try something else... Or maybe try a different website. There are a lot of other ones out there. I think you'd fit in wonderfully with the idiots over at myadventuregame.com

I would comment that racism isn't funny (it's sad), but this isn't in the humor section. I didn't see anywhere in the story where it said this was going to be a funny story so I won't comment further on what is and isn't funny (like some of the others did).

Racism aside, it had a few entertaining moments. When the crocodile ate the crack whore and her five "welfare kids". The option to loot, and the option to knock down a newcaster (those guys needed knocked the fuck out because they should have been helping people out with their copters instead of just filming).

Also, I think alot of your "one choice" rooms could have just continued onto the next room without seperating the rooms. Seperating the rooms is only necessary when a sudden change occurs (like you get knocked out and the next room is you waking up) or when one room is wicked long and needs broken up so the reader won't feel like they're reading one page forever.

Guess who gave himself a ten again... No not joebwoy. donteatpoop did. That's right. It was donteatpoop.

Let's lynch the bastard.

Interesting perspective here. At least in the case of this business man, his lost life in the WTC incident seems justified. I was a little put off that the "Don't go to work" option resulted in you going in anyway and the story suddenly ending (but with no sense of story closure). This story seems to lack the attention to detail you displayed in your other work, but the overall quality is still far above par by comparison of many other stories on the site.

Can't believe I never bothered to rate this before. Good story. I always die, but the basic premis of the story is good. I've never played the game you based it on, but unlike a lot of the other game/tv show inpired ideas on here, you don't have to understand the game to understand what's going on. Before you mentioned the game I figured it was a play on the Metamorphosis (I'm sure I mispelled that).

Only one thing was lacking in your story, and this can easily be remedied by using that edit button at the bottom of the rooms; it needs more description. Physical and emotional description. Just saying you're afraid isn't enough, make the reader afraid.

That's my 5 cents anyway. (Yes I give more than double the two cents most give. Im a generous guy.)

Wow. Welome to the site. Amazing. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I certainly didn't see this suspense filled masterpiece coming. Just amazing. Absolutely captivating and breath taking. You have style. Please stick around. Talented people like you are hard to come by. Great work.

I'm donteatpoop (26, 5'11 250lbs). This story blew ass. I'm not sure why it was important for you to tell everyone's age, wieght, and hieght like that... Was that just so you wouldn't have to describe them later on?

More details actually described would have made this a better story.

Not bad at all. Inderdimensional travel is a cool subject as it is, and the story is put together pretty well. Only critique is that it is apparent that in some rooms you spent a lot of time detailing and describing, yet in others the rooms are real quick and then make a choice. I advise that you expand on the shorter rooms.

Akira, you did an amazing fucking job here. All of your rooms were detailed and clearly described the characters perspective, thoughts, and emotions. Brilliant work...

However, your co-writer didn't have much if any detail in his rooms. The "What shoudl I eat" room was the worst of all. It really detracted from the overall sense of tension the story otherwise conveys. Maybe you can edit the shit out of it and make it more presentable? (No offense Lablanc, the rooms you did just need more details and more logical choices.)

Consider this story hijacked. Prepare to watch as I rape it's innocense. Mwahahahahahahaha!!!

Damn girl. You wrote a kinky ass story and then you disappeared. I was dissappointed that the only thing you described was masturbatio, but I get te impression that had you been around longer you would have made some steamy scenes. You're not ChubbyTeletubby's mom by chance, are you?

I hit random story and this is what I got. What the fuck is this? It's bad enough that it is Poke`mon. But just a hyperlinked option in one of m stories has more words in it than your entire story.

Wow. Freakin' awesome. When you put yourself into something you really put yourself into it. Very well written, intriguing storyline with a bit of humor to back it up. Love it. Fantastic work, Chubby. Can't wait to see how this developes.

I have a question about this story... What the fuck drugs were you on when you came up with this shit? This might be the stupidest fucking story I have read in weeks.

Excellent first story. You show much promise. Only one complaint about the story, there are just too many choices (and not all of them make sense). While more choices <i>can</i> be entertaining, it also makes the story next to impossible to manage as it grows. Good stuff though. I can't wait to see what you put out next.

About time I rate this thing. Fantastic work (as I've told you before) I just wish you'd work on the damn thing every once in a while. Keep up the great work.

Not bad for a first story. The rooms were wicked short with very little description, but that goes hand in hand with the simplicity of the plot line.

By the way, I now have an overwhelming fear of eating. Way to go. I'm fat. How am I supposed to go on without eating?

It's been a while since you've been on here writing. You haven't really worked on your writing much, have you?

It's good that you are writing, but you really need to look into a few things: quotation marks, reasonable spelling, and more description.

You're funny. You have great ideas and fun plotlines, but you don't spend enough time on them forming them into decent stories. I can tell that you can do better just looking at your stories, just put a little more effort into them.

I especially like the part about Paco Valdez being wicked awesome. ;)

Probably one of the best Romance stories on the site. Well written, could use a little more detail throughout the story, but overall a good job. I think you got a lot of negatve ratings because most guys are apprehensive to romance stories.

Right from the start this story lacks any real effort save for your keen eye for cool pictures. You tell the reader that they are on a moontain looking for shelter, but don't explain jack-shit else. Why are we there? Why do we need shelter? Why did we bother reading this crap in the first place?

Great premise, but the rooms were barren of any real detail. The endings came up too quickly and were completely unsatisfying, even the happy endings left me wishing there were more to them.

Everyone really loves this story, but I absolutely must disagree. I don't think this this was much of an epic at all, though it was definately visual. It read like a MUD with pictures, and I guess I'm just not hip to it. I recognize that a lot of work went into it to make sure it worked, but I would have greatly appreciated more description. Morathi, I've seen you put together stories that are a lot better than this. I was pretty disappointed here.

No rhyme or reason to the action. By the way, I liked how you logged in as tow different users to rate yourself, I think you have a few other user names you can use to rate yourself a ten as well, don't you?

Fucking great! Amazing improvement over your previous effort. I can see youu actualy spent some time getting this one right, fan-fucking-tastic. Look forward to seeing what else you can do, Fuzzynuts.

You can't spell (the fact that <b>I</b> am complaining about this says a lot) and your plot line is severely lacking. Having read this, my nuts actualy hurt.

Decent story that has promise, but really needs a lot of work.

Not terrible, but I did read some things that bothered me a little. For instance, on the first page why would you have the option of what time of day you choose to rob the place if one of them is going to immediatley end anyway? That's just stupid. Then when choose to go at night, the picture of the pyramid is clearly a daytime picture. If you're going to do shit like that, don't put a picture in. Those were right in the beginning, so it was a bit of a struggle for me to get into the story. While the premise is promising, the story delivers it in short rooms and abrupt endings. Not my cup of tea,

Wow. You put a lot of work into this story and it shows. Excellent read. I don't do the dice books, so I just cheated on those parts, but the storylne itself was exciting. Throughout the story there was a definate sense of adventure. This is a well diserved ten for you, Funky. Great job.

This story is like a bad acid flashback.

I understand that this is your first story on the site so I will attempt to be constructive.

Your story is lacking details. In the first page I saw promising descriptive qualities (the taste of sea salt in the air), but you didn't follow through. Also, there shouldn't be only one possible choice for the story to continue, this detracts from the essance of this story format in the first place.

My advice is to go through everything again and use the edit feature. Flesh out your story, extend the sudden dead ends by deleting the rooms and continuing the story lines. (like when you yell and the next room basicaly reads; "No one comes. THE END." You could instead say "No one comes..." Then describe what happens and give a few more choices.

All right, I'm done. But Kurt loves me more.

Poorly written story on a completely unorignal theme. I almost shot myself in the head after reading it before I realised that it wasn't my fault for trying to read it, it's your fault for wrting garbage like this. What did you do, spend 5 minutes on this story?

Would have given you a one, but the title is so irritating that I had to give you credit for it's complete lack of appeal. Genious. A total anti-conformity move, refusing to have an appealing title. Fuck the reader!! Fuck them! You don't write to appeal to them, do you?! Hell no!! You're awesome!!!

This is probably the only "Random" story that I rated high. Why? Because the reason for the randomness is explained. A lesson for all random writers (which generaly does not include Morathi), if you are going to be completely random, have a plausible reason for the randomness. Otherwise, the story will blow monkey balls.

Can I be the stupid Pokemon? Oh... I guess you've already given us that option.

My dishonest personality told me to rate my own story a ten. Cheating rules!!!

You must not have read much.

But that's not very constructive; allow me to elaborate.

I'd say that three out of every four stories on this site have the exact same plotline as this. While not having a plot isn't a bad thing when it's delivered properly; this story clearly is not delivered well.

Zero description. I've read more descriptive stories from Eric Carle. (He's a childrens author (The Very Hungry Caterpillar)) I've seen scrawlings on the walls of mens room stalls with more depth than this mess.

Too many choices. When you make that many choices per room, it becomes extremely difficult to keep up. Which means that if someone is reading your story, they're most likely going to read two or three pages and come to a dead end. Accompanying that with your ten word average pages, and it makes for a short and unenjoyable read.

Finaly, stories where you make choices of what you as a character do are much better than choosing your surroundings. This makes a difficult transistion for the reader; one minute your the character, the next you are apparently God, choosing what falls into your path, where you live, etc...

Excellent work, Cat. I only wish it was finished... But alas it is not. Great plotline, follows an almost classic approach to the monster theme. Very enjoyable.

Very nice work, Cat. Much better than version one. There's a lot of intrigue at work here.

theknight, glad to see you are still writing. This story showed great improvement over the other. Your other story, a I recall was decent too. This aliens rendition was well put together. I still think you could work on more details to improve everything overall, though. Details are what truly define a story. I hope that you take my advice when I say this, but use the edit button on the bottom of each page and put in some "filler" details. Describe the way things and people look, their emotions, and observations. It will greatly improve your solid plotlines. (Except for your story about poop, there was no helping that, I'm glad to see you've moved past it.)

He who claims to be a ninja should know how to spell nunchaku. It's not a numchuck, dumfuck. It's a nunchaku.

Phenomenal, Michael. Love the story, and what you've done with it. I hope you write more at a later date. Also, just as a side note; "weight sticks in the air like a banana in a Jell-O salad" is an analogy that only a true fat man would have come up with. Anyway, good shit, if I get inspired I may add on so that you can deny my entry, or take it and make it look like I knew how to spell in the first place.

I can tell that you rushed through this. Try to focus on quality of rooms in your story, rather than quantity of rooms in your story. You used one analogy in here, but it was in a room that contained two sentences. My advice is to expand.





And if you're going to rate your own story a ten, make sure it's at least mediocre.

Decent. Not the greatest story I've read, but it has a few details here and there that make it semi-entertaining. If you feel like taking some advice; use more description. More description equals a quality story. Even an absolutelys terrible story with a rediculously stupid story line can be made readable with description.

First of all, who rates their own story and only gives themselves a six?!? If it was only a six in your eyes, you shouldn't have posted it!

That aside, the writing isn't so bad, but there's nothing really going on in the story. Also, there were some senseless choices. For instance, you know the people in the jeep, yet you are given the option to run like you don't know them. That was just stupid.

Are you fucking serious? Someone actualy wrote this crap out? Damn... I thought I was pathetic!

What the fuck is this crap????!!!!??? Damn. It's shit like this that makes people hate to read!!

Damn. This is the closest thing to a good story I've read from you packratt. Nice work for once. What's good about this is that it has a storyline instead of a bunch of random choices about which bong you're going to smoke from. What's bad about it is the lack of attention given to details. Describe the room or the old man or the weather outside or the damn dragon. That would have made this story better. Good plotline, though. It almost makes you seem respectable.

OK. You have a good premise in mind and capture the excitement of the adventure well, but you need to decide if you are going to write in past tense (You picked up the sword) or present tense (You pick up the sword), because it's really irritating otherwise.

I hate rating a story that is only one room long, but Michael gave you a premature low score, and I felt the need to combat this. Interesting premis. I remember when I had a bunch of dead hookers in my back seat, it was a mess.

Anyway, good start to the story, keep it up. You can write too, which is a nice plus. If you don't touch this story for a long while, I will probably pirate it and add a gang of rooms. Or if you come back and work on it, I offer you my services.

"You see three guys having a drum battle. Who do you choose?"

Can we have a little info about their drum styles? Which one impressed us the most? One is a funky drummer, the second is tribal, and the thirs lays a nice bluezy beat... That kind of thing. Offering the reader completely uneducated choices is like asking them to close their eyes and click.

It seems to me that though you can write, and have the ability to create intriguing storylines and interesting characters; you refuse to do something as simple as seperating your paragraphs. Without seperation of paragraphs, the text is garbled and confusing; not to mention <b>extremely</b> irritating.

Such a pathetic attempt at a story. Joebwoy, you have style, but you lack any other dynamics. Here's my suggestion to you, should you ever come back to the site and read this; don't write anything until you have a good plot line. Also, if it's going to be a story about trying not to get beat up by a bunch of girls, label it as a comedy rather than an adventure.

Intriguing. I can't believe I never read this one before. I may add onto it, since Lioness doesn't seem to be on very often...

It's like buttah, baby. Smoove.

This story is annoying like a turd that clings desperately to you asshole. No matter how hard you shake the piece of crap just won't go down.

I rated this story a 5.






Because you gave about as much detail as the above explanation for my rating.

With this rating, I am countering your tens. The first page of the story is actually pretty good. But don't you think it's a little pretentious to give it a ten after only one page? Not to mention the fact that you little shits were just joining forces to give yourselves a cheating score?

Don't get me wrong, I do some cheating myself, but only once per story. This is overkill.

Oh, also; since these are in essence choose your own adventure stories, you should try throwing some choices into the mix.

You should have called this thing <b>The Attic</b> since that's what it's about. If you call a story something like "THE MAP" there should be a fucking map somewhere in the damn story. What the hell were you thinking when you came up with this crap?! And what's so fucking great about the attic? It's probably just a bunch of dust and broken furniture. That's what's in the attic at <b>my</b> parents house.

Seriously though. Don't smoke crack.

Did you seriously give the reader the option of forgetting their lunch? Wow. Why don't you just give them the option to forget to wipe their ass.

All right. So I had to pretend like I was a girl... But I guess girls have to act like guys when they read other stories, so...

Anyway, good story. It was kind of odd, which was what made it so entertaining. The whole feeling of "What the hell is going on here" was very well put together. Outstanding job.

Not terribly funny. But then, I'm not fond of this tyoe of low brow british humor. The high rating I gave you was based entirely on your ability to write, as your story was put together well and followed a coherent path. Good job.

I wish I had something posative to say........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... but I don't.

Celtic, while I respect your writing, I have to say that this is the worst thing I have read from you. Understandably, most of it is not your fault. I also understand that you have a policy to let anyone and everyone add to your story without any real screening. I urge you to rethink this course of action, as it has a tendency to destroy a potentially good story.

Excellent story. Only problem is that there seem to be too many "The End"'s throughout the story. It shouldn't always have to be there's "only one good path" type of thing.

Oh, and did those guys actualy just say Kudoz? Who says that? Tadow!

Overall, good story. However, Charles Dickens has a tendency to bore me and so does this story. In that sense, you definately hit the style right on the money. I don't mean any offense with this, as I respect Mr. Dickens for his work. I simply don't enjoy reading it. I enjoyes this story a little more than Charles' work.

Very entertaining. It is similar to Groundhog day, but the choices were wildly entertaining.

This was the first one I put on the site and I am desperatley scrambling to tie up all the loose ends and wrap the story up. Any suggestions? (Not that anyone other than myself will ever read this fucking comment post.)

Well written, good description, good character development. Try seperating your paragraphs though, it will make it easier to read. Very nice job.

A simple story written from the perspective of pre-adolecent children. Not a masterpiece by any means, but a good story just the same. My only recommendation would be use more description. I liked the fact that it took place in a haunted house, but isn't really frightening, it's more of a childhood adventure type of thing.

I apologize in advance for anyone who clicked on one of my stories and expected humor. I realise that it is a bit shocking to read something serious from someone named donteatpoop. If you want funny, read Heroes in a Half Shell. It tries to be funny at times, while still keeping an awkward seriousness to it that, for me, makes it all the more funny. More humor can be found in a faster paced action?adventure story called The Ninja Epidemic. Especialy if you use your friends cell phone.

As I read this story I couldn't help but wonder if it was translated from cave drawings done by neanderthals. This is perhaps one of the mose retarded stories on this site and I feel a thousand times stupider for having read it. Next time you're bored experiment with drugs or masturbating like the rest of the world instead of plaguing respectable websites with the rubbish you call a story. Jeez.

The potential is there, but the rooms could use more description. Making a choice, especialy in sci-fi, with only one sentence having been read is like shooting your enemy in the dark. Describe things and consider combining rooms and describing what's going on so that the reader can make a logical choice. Keep writing though. I just recommend going over what you have written and using the edit button to improve it.

Not a bad story, but some of the writing that people put into it was of poor quality. You should edit the story to make these poorly written rooms less painful to read. The other problem I found in the story (which resulted in the low rating) is that the dialogue seemed so forced and unrealistic. Nice story idea though, and I hope you come back to the site and work on it some more. Word to your mother.

You rated yourself a ten. I'd be a hypocrite if I condemed you for that. But other people get pissed when they see this type of thing.

Looking past the gay thing, which is something that future readers will hopefully be able to do, it is written quite well. As a suggestion though; you should seperate your paragraphs with two returns so that they can be distinguished from one another more easily by the reader.

The best 3rd person story on this site. 3rd person stories are hard to write choices to without sounding completely unnatural. JudgeWall found a very simple solution to this problem. "Should he:" Very nice.

One critisizm, if I may: The dog, the dog, the dog. Just to avoid repitition, try, the dog, the canine, it, etc. Same deal for the main characters: Davidson, Davidson etc. Try to establish things like Davidsons dark hair (Does he have dark hair, I dont know just go with it), you could start alternating between Davidson, the dark haired man, the young crew member. That type of thing.

Overall, very good story.

This should be a one. But your twelve, so I gave you an extra point. Have you thought about trying to draw? Drawing is a fun way to express yourself without bothering the good people on this site with the crap you produce.

As with all rediculously stupid, pointless, and poorly written stories I feel obliged to rate this the lowest possable available score. I think the comments here has more words in it than the whole damn story.

Damn, dude. You're right. This story does suck.

Semi entertaining. Some how funnier than I expected it to be, yet unable to be truly enjoyable. It's the equivelent of soggy Fruit Loops; Yeah they still taste good, but the lack of crunchiness is upsetting.

Very well written, good detail and description. Felt like all was lost, all was hopeless. Outstanding job. You rock.

I gave it a ten because I helped write it and I'm very dishonest. Yay for cheating!!

Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines. Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.

Didn't I write this? Oh yeah, that is right. I guess that's why I rated it so high.

Few things.

One; it's difficult to read it because it all seems to run together. Seperate your paragraphs (Press return a couple times before you start the new one) that way can be read. I did it with these comments so that the room (page) doesn't look like one gigantic paragraph.

Two; Use quotation marks to indicate speech, that way the reader can tell when a characters speech has ceased and the description has continued. Otherwise it takes <b>alot</b> of work to read this.

Three; Try replacing "Joey" with "he", "the soldier", "the surviving american", and various other things to make it more interesting to read. When all sentences begin the same, it can become tedious. When I first started writing books I did the same thing. You just gotta learn. I started by writing screenplays so I understood the "soldier: where is your commanding officer" type of writing, but the lack of spaces, new paragraphs, and the like made it a bit difficult to understand.

Otherwise, the story has alot of potential, and you're not a bad writer. Keep up the work and please consider what I've suggested. You'll get a larger audiance by making it easy to read.

I liked your other story better, and I didn't exactly care for it either. Here's a tip, if you can write out your story and fit on one sheet of paper, you need to work on it more. These comment that I have written contain more words than your whole story.

Outstanding work. Well written and entertaining. It's a cool concept that was enjoyable to read. Only reason this isn't a ten is becuase the title is irritating.

This is indeed far better than the original Splap. Granted, it is not the greatest story on the site but I doubt strongly that Splapped was striving for ground breaking material here. It had a few amusing moments, which is what put the story over the half way mark for me. Nothing outstandingly funny, but an amusing concept. Another advantage this has over the original is that parts of this were readable.

it has its moments.

Spell words out. Once you've mastered that, write a decent story.

"You've been dressing as the fonze for fifteen years straight and dont see any reason to change that now." - Prissy wrote that line. Good stuff.

The rest of the story was not so good. Maybe you should have called Halloween, or Dress Up, or Lame-ass Story.

The happy endings happen after one choice. "You don't try the heroine, you live happily ever after" type stuff. It almost makes you want to make stupid choices so that the story won't end on page three. Plus, describing the party wouldn't have been so bad.

The plot line isn't bad, but the writing isn't so hot. You could easily expand this story with detail, as there is plenty of room to describe the characters, scenery, and emotions. If you were able to do that, I'd probably rate it between a 6 and an 8, depending on the quality of the description.

A Stoner Life, huh? You might have been too stoned when you wrote it to think coherently. If you're that stoned, let the high wear off a bit before trying to write, that way you don't come up with something regretably stupid. Like this story.

Do you like metaphors?

This reads like shit.

It's better than the other #Digiworld Adventure, but it still sucks.

Great story, as usual. But the title bothers me. It makes me think of a bean burrito that got to you faster than you expected it to.

eh...

Worst story ever.

I've eaten terds that left better a better taste in my mouth than this story. At least the terds had corn and peanuts in it. This has no peanuts, no corn. It's just crap. And who wants that?

...Did I just admit to eating terds? Damn it.

Good stuff. Very fun. Sleep your way to the top. If this were a movie, you'd have to be 18 to see it.

It's your first story. So I'll be kind. I'm impressed that you wrote 25 rooms in one day, but was not impressed with the story itself. There was no description. But I guess that goes along with the lack of a plot. Also you don't have to use all five choices in every room, that way you can concentrate on two or three interesting choices, rather than a bunch of stupid ones. Keep writing though, you just need to put more work into it.

That was so fucking offensive. It actualy offended me. I was tempted to give it a six, but then I realised that because of the offensive content other people willprobably rate you far lower than you diserve, so I figured I'd counter it. Ha!

I take it you don't like to describe things. Have you ever read a book that had one sentence per page AND no pictures? Me either, until I read this.

I actualy thought it was a very good story with a plausable plot line and interesting characters that capture the readers attention almost immediatley. Oh sit... Wait. I was thinking of a different story. This one is crap.

Decent idea. Slightly entertaining. Could have been much better with just a little effort.

Wow. This was a realy pointless story that makes no sense. It was almost aggrivating for me to read.

Very good story. Good premise, good execution. There's a few typos, but fantastic story overall.

Hilarious! I built a big tower of cutlary! The biggest ever!!!

Intrigueing idea that's presented well. Normaly spelling and grammatical errors don't bother me, but these are a bit overwhelming. Also alot of the choices, if not all, are no-brainers. Obviously the story continues if you do this and ends if you do that. Needs edited. The premis is flawless, and the storyline is awesome. It's just the details and choices that detract from the petential brilliance of this piece.

The title is appropriate. The bar story isn't so bad, but there's too many random sentences that ruin the flow of the story. Like some chick turning into Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, and the opening paragraph when you have an emerald sword? WTF?!

Very good story. But you stopped writing right before the action begins. So you only got a nine.

Is this realy just a lame-ass advertisement? Man. What a rediculously underhanded move. Normaly I would approve of such shady tactics, but you didn't even go to the effort of making it 20 rooms so that it would show up on the site. I only got to this off of the "Random Story" option, and I doubt anyone other than Homer and myself will discover it. If you're going to cheat, do it right asshole.

I feel a hundred times stupider now that I have read this.

People seriously gave this thing 10's?!! A feel I'm being generous with this three.

Funny name. Kind of threw off from the potential seriousness of the story.

This story was not very good. Maybe it developes into a good story much later into the story, but I lost interest quickly.

Very serene. My only problem is that on some parts you're writing in present tense and on others you wrote in past tense. Just like I did right there. And in a Lucid dream, we're seriously going to a mall?

Rediculous! I loved it! This stuff was silly, and fun to add on to.

I'm not so sure this story diserves the high rating that it has. I think it's high score has more to do with the fact that most people who voted also wrote in it. But whatever. That aside it doesn't seem to have a smooth flow and occasionaly has a slightly akward style. Admitedly (if that is a word) it is difficult to get a tangable story from a collaborative effort, which means this just needs a lot of editing to make it work. Good premis though, and it looks like a lot of fun to write in. I will be adding on myself. I just think it's a bit choppy and needs some work. Also the fact that everything is italicized gets on my nerves a little.

I'd say a five is an accurate score. Story has a good idea and the writing isn't bad, but it can be hard to read without any seperation between paragraphs. Also could use a little more description, like there was a boat in the house if you take the secret entrance. I had no idea there was even water and I was presented with the choice of driving away in the boat.

It starts out with "You've been plannig it mor months" and then three rooms later you "start planning." Seriously, man. WTF?

Fantastic story. Much better than I expected in the beginning.

I have to agree with homer here. There is no story. You're stuck making almost random choices. No storyline what so ever.

One of your best stories. Being an assassin is sweet. It was action packed with logical choices. Loved it. Only critique is a nitpick critique; Except is not the word you're looking for, it's accept. Except is like "everyone here is lame except me".
Bomb-ass story though. Realy liked it.

I actualy had amnesia once. Sometimes I think I still have it. Good idea, good story. The "They were as much help as a condom machine at the Vatican" line. Being a cyborg is cool too. I actualy had amnesia once. Sometimes I think I still have it.

One of, if not, the best horror story on this site. The setting was classicly appropriate to this type of story, and very enjoyable.

It's alright. The fight scenes were cool, giving you some control over your actions rather than the randomness of dice rolling. Would have rated a 7.5, but I had to round up.

Good stuff for sure. Loved the plot line. Loved how t was sci-fi but not cliche sci-fi and filled with laser guns and spaceships. Interesting perspective on what could happen if the globe was dominated by China.

Might have rated it a nine if it was in the humor section. By no means was this a horror story. Kind of funny at times, though.

Have to give it a nine. It's kind of cliche, but then that's what the Jason movies are. Good job covering the theme. It felt just like one of those movies only written a little better.

It was alright. I usualy like what Celtic puts out, but this one is not one of my fav's. I think I lost interest with the repetitive choice of "Keep moving forward" or "Go back". That happened for like four rooms straight. Otherwise, the story line and writing are superb.

some abrupt endings in the beginning, but comes together nicely as the story progresses. I was dissappointed that it wasn't finished. Not that I expected it to be, I was just hungry to read more.

It has it's moments.

Good idea. Very depressing, and I liked that part of it. The only problem that after you make a choice there is almost a constant "Are you sure?" type of thing going on. Just make the choice and write the story.

Very detailed. Good storyline. I'm skeptical of most sci-fi, because alot of what comes out is lame-ass. But this was very unlame-asslike.

Only thing I didn't like was the title. It seemed kind of cheesey. Sorry. The story is great, though. Excelent quality.

Definatley has potential. Alot of editing work needs put into it. Try to make sure it stays in one tense (Past or Present).

Undoubtedly the best childrens book on the site. Could use a little more discription, but very well written otherwise. Liked the fact that the dragon isn't a bad guy.

Not poorly written or anything, but could definatley benefit from more description. Plus the enjoyment that most people get from Harry Potter comes from what actualy happens at the school, rather than shopping for items. You could have started the story on the first day, having already purchased your supplies.

I don't know if I would go so far as to say it was readable necessarily.

love the fact that you travel around with a spare leg

As far as detail goes, it's a childrens book. Excellent. Very entertaining. Loved the "I come from Deleware" option. I think kids would enjoy it. Only reason it wasn't rated higher by me was because it could have been longer, endings came up too soon.

It switches from past tense to present tense, seemingly at random. One moment "You" are the main character, the next "I" am the main character. Is this first or second tense? On top of that, what the hell is going on in this story?

I'm not quite sure what InuYasha is, but if this is what it inspires then it is a plague. There is good anime out there and I suggest you look into it. This crap, if the anime is really like this, is very desheartening. Try watching Ninja Scroll or Princess Mononoke if you are interested in anime. Those are examples of GOOD anime.

The best story I've read from you. Very well done. I would have liked to see how the item would have destroyed everything though.

Good premise. A lot of work needs put in for grammer and maybe develope the storyline a bit more. Nice start though, has potential.

Let me know what you think! Tell me your favorite part(s) of the story and your least favorite(s). Leave it here in the comments section or shoot me an e-mail. Or completely ignore this shit, as will most likely be the outcome of it all.

Good stuff, very enjoyable read. Kind of freaky finding out who you are. The musical diddy was a nice touch too.

Without a doubt it's one of the best stories on the site. Very suspenseful, excellent feeling of hopelessness throughout. Good stuff.

I gave it a ten because... OK I'll admit it. I'm cheating a little bit here. But I realy don't think it's that bad. It definatley beats the snot out of that 3rd eye crap I wrote.

"Lizzi pretty poor teen is having she alwase hase every single night..." This was my introduction to the story... Sad. Very sad. Not only can you not spell, but apparently you can't make sense either.

To say that you are a good writer would be a gross understatement. You rock out.

Very good story, very well written. It was short and sweet, my only regrets were that it was too short, and alot of the choices lead to the same ending.

A little too random. Not all that funny either. I respect that iit is a pioneering storym but I can't say that I liked it.

Very Lewis Carrol. Enjoyable. The lack of a plot is actualy part of the charm.

Good story. It was enjoyable. But I knew with each room that if i chose one I would automaticaly die and if I chose the other the story would continue. There should be at least a few non death choices in the story. And yes, I know it's a war story.

Hey, I'm rating myself here. What am I gonna do, give it a 1? If I ain't cheating, I ain't trying.

I gave you a decent score under the assumption that you were trying to suck. If that is so then you realy hit your mark, cause this sucks.

When I rated my story a 10, a had a decent story. This needs a lot of work. And Korn realy does suck you know. Have you heard what they've been putting out lately?

Very well written. Nice job.

short and sweet, but a worthwhile read. I enjoyed it.

i knew it wasn't going to make sense, but... Death seemed to be entirely too random for my comfort level

Has alot of potential. An enjoyable read. Though the choices do tend to come up a bit fast.

Pretty good story. Alot of the choices are live or die, though. Not as much freedom as I would like.

Enjoyable read with good choices. Good writing, too. Not quite long enough yet, but it shows alot of promise.

why are we going after the green dragon? it hasn't been seen for hundreds of years, right?

Very well written. Gretly enjoyed it. Just wish I had more time to read it.

jumps from "I" to "You" randomly. Otherwise an enjoyable read with moral decisions rather than action choices, which was a nice break from the norm.