What Ho!
Cuddy does her best to look prim.
"Well then, my dear Petey, you know I have had my heart set on putting a home for the indigent up near the East End for sometime."
"Nice view of the Thames there I understand. Bracing aromas"
"Tcha! Did I, at any point say 'Peter dear, please interrupt me at the earliest possible moment with a completely irrelevant observation?"
"I thought, perhaps, that it might be my last chance."
"Yeah, it was. Now shut yer pie hole and pray attend.
"As I was sayin', I want to bring our charitable foundation to the shores of this foggy island. But I can't do it without money. You may make a short, intelligent observation now"
"I thought your father had the stuff by the wheelbarrowful" you point out reasonably. "I mean, whose dog hasn't inhaled a snifter or two of 'MacGillicuddy's Maximum Meal- Nothing but the Finest for Fido'? Why, think of all the pooches out there just lining up to hand over their wallets to your family fortune! Surely there's enough there to spring for a bit of East End real estate complete with one soup kitchen, open seven out of seven days a week."
"Well, that was a bit long and disrespectful to Daddy, but your point is well taken," the benighted girl admits. "But unfortunately, Daddy has recently developed this thing about 'earning one's way in the world' and he thinks that no man can call himself a man until he has proven that he can get the stuff by himself without siphoning off of one's relatives. In short, I need to look elsewhere for the finances on this one."
A bit stung by the comment about siphoning (you owing your whole existance to said technique) your razor sharp mind puzzles out her problem. "'No man can call himself a man' he says."
"Exactly his very cruel words! Can ya believe it?"
"But Cuddy, you're a girl." This is true, and in fact her profile has been distracting you for the past few minutes as she perches on your bedcovers. Why the good Lord chose to endow a pernicious troublemaker like Cuddy with a mug that's such an eyeful, when there are any number of plug ugly saints out there is beyond you, but perhaps you would have understood it better if you had attended to Father Brown back in your Sunday School days.
You continue your logical analysis "Look, you foolish blighter, why in God's name would you need to 'call yourself a man'? A winsome flutter of your eyelashes, and you'll have a large enough check to float a Windsor Palace of soup kitchens deposited right into your grubby little mittens." You cross your arms triumphantly, looking forward to the hopefully Cuddyless breakfast tea that is fast approaching.
"Not me, you knubskull! Charles"
"Cuddy, it is an unfortunate tendancy of your sex to blather on without the proper footnotes. Who on earth is this Chas you speak of?"
"That's CHARLES. My fiance. Charles Fenwick."
"You mean FATTY Fenwick?" Your jaw drops in horror. You've always liked old Fatty. In fact, his pie eating contest winning ways were responsible for more than one profitable evening for you both down at the club. Like you, he has a dependable allowance from his uncle, which is a very good thing as he is probably unsuitable for what is unfortunately termed "honest work". The thought of such a genial fellow shackled for all eternity to Cuddy makes your eyes moisten in sympathy. But then again, who are you to question Cupid's ways?
"He's not fat!"
"Well, tell that to the inadequately reinforced chairs he's had to spring for from time to time." Cuddy gets a dangerous look. Remembering the reformed gangster that she uses as a chauffeur, you reconsider "He is a bit big boned, of course."
Her narrowed eyes soften "A regular wooly lambkin, you bet! But Daddy wants him to prove he can swing a deal, rather than just mooch off his uncle. So anyway, getting the financing for this house is just the ticket to getting Daddy to change his...that is.. grant his blessing on our love match."
"And, incidentally, not cut off your allowance."
"D----- it Petey, that has nothing to do with it" Cuddy can be salty at times. "Charles needs to stand up to Daddy. I won't have him pushed around, and I can't marry someone who lets himself be abused like that!"
She is getting a bit worked up, so you firmly cut her off and say
"Well then, my dear Petey, you know I have had my heart set on putting a home for the indigent up near the East End for sometime."
"Nice view of the Thames there I understand. Bracing aromas"
"Tcha! Did I, at any point say 'Peter dear, please interrupt me at the earliest possible moment with a completely irrelevant observation?"
"I thought, perhaps, that it might be my last chance."
"Yeah, it was. Now shut yer pie hole and pray attend.
"As I was sayin', I want to bring our charitable foundation to the shores of this foggy island. But I can't do it without money. You may make a short, intelligent observation now"
"I thought your father had the stuff by the wheelbarrowful" you point out reasonably. "I mean, whose dog hasn't inhaled a snifter or two of 'MacGillicuddy's Maximum Meal- Nothing but the Finest for Fido'? Why, think of all the pooches out there just lining up to hand over their wallets to your family fortune! Surely there's enough there to spring for a bit of East End real estate complete with one soup kitchen, open seven out of seven days a week."
"Well, that was a bit long and disrespectful to Daddy, but your point is well taken," the benighted girl admits. "But unfortunately, Daddy has recently developed this thing about 'earning one's way in the world' and he thinks that no man can call himself a man until he has proven that he can get the stuff by himself without siphoning off of one's relatives. In short, I need to look elsewhere for the finances on this one."
A bit stung by the comment about siphoning (you owing your whole existance to said technique) your razor sharp mind puzzles out her problem. "'No man can call himself a man' he says."
"Exactly his very cruel words! Can ya believe it?"
"But Cuddy, you're a girl." This is true, and in fact her profile has been distracting you for the past few minutes as she perches on your bedcovers. Why the good Lord chose to endow a pernicious troublemaker like Cuddy with a mug that's such an eyeful, when there are any number of plug ugly saints out there is beyond you, but perhaps you would have understood it better if you had attended to Father Brown back in your Sunday School days.
You continue your logical analysis "Look, you foolish blighter, why in God's name would you need to 'call yourself a man'? A winsome flutter of your eyelashes, and you'll have a large enough check to float a Windsor Palace of soup kitchens deposited right into your grubby little mittens." You cross your arms triumphantly, looking forward to the hopefully Cuddyless breakfast tea that is fast approaching.
"Not me, you knubskull! Charles"
"Cuddy, it is an unfortunate tendancy of your sex to blather on without the proper footnotes. Who on earth is this Chas you speak of?"
"That's CHARLES. My fiance. Charles Fenwick."
"You mean FATTY Fenwick?" Your jaw drops in horror. You've always liked old Fatty. In fact, his pie eating contest winning ways were responsible for more than one profitable evening for you both down at the club. Like you, he has a dependable allowance from his uncle, which is a very good thing as he is probably unsuitable for what is unfortunately termed "honest work". The thought of such a genial fellow shackled for all eternity to Cuddy makes your eyes moisten in sympathy. But then again, who are you to question Cupid's ways?
"He's not fat!"
"Well, tell that to the inadequately reinforced chairs he's had to spring for from time to time." Cuddy gets a dangerous look. Remembering the reformed gangster that she uses as a chauffeur, you reconsider "He is a bit big boned, of course."
Her narrowed eyes soften "A regular wooly lambkin, you bet! But Daddy wants him to prove he can swing a deal, rather than just mooch off his uncle. So anyway, getting the financing for this house is just the ticket to getting Daddy to change his...that is.. grant his blessing on our love match."
"And, incidentally, not cut off your allowance."
"D----- it Petey, that has nothing to do with it" Cuddy can be salty at times. "Charles needs to stand up to Daddy. I won't have him pushed around, and I can't marry someone who lets himself be abused like that!"
She is getting a bit worked up, so you firmly cut her off and say