Mediocre Moose Maulings!!

I don't know who you are talking but no one cares that you want Speghettio's for breakfast. Mainly because you smell and that's gross. But that won't stop your wretched bowels so you grab a can of said o's.

"CRAP! The soup is in a can! How do we open a can?! Everyone panic! You're going to FREAKING STARVE!!!!"
What do you do?