Ducky Park
Drinking with the Bikers
"Free beer?" You ask. "Count me in."
"Damn right," the barrel chested biker says, patting you happily on the back. His friends grin sick and evil grins of delight. "My name is Scab," he tells you, shaking your furry paw firmly. He points to his buddies and introduces them. "The guy with the Mohawk is called Lizard, and the other guy there is known as Cannibal."
"Nice to meet you," you say. "I'm Dastardly Dog, arch nemesis of Happy Duck."
They laugh at this and the four of you make your way through the park over to the beer garden. You sit down at a cheap plastic table with Lizard and Cannibal, while Scab orders a round of beers. When Scab returns his roguish face is somehow serene. It's the magic of Ducky Park, everyone is happier here, it’s just like in the commercials.
"You'll probably want to take your stupid Dog face off so's you can drink." Cannibal tells you.
"There's a hole big enough for a straw," you offer. "If you want to me to keep the Dog some more."
"Hell yeah," Cannibal responds, slamming his hands palm-flat on the table and rising to his feet. “I’ll get a straw.” He runs off, leaving you alone with Lizard.
Lizard leans his head slowly from side to side, one of his eyes wandering around a bit with the other trained on you. He almost doesn't blink, going long periods of time with his eyes wide open and staring, his mouth slightly open. You try to smile behind the mask, despite the futility of the action. There is something about Lizard that is unsettling.
Thankfully you see Cannibal coming back with a straw at about the same time that Scab returns with four beers on a tray. Scab sets one mug down in front of each of you and Cannibal puts a straw in one for you.
"He can drink with the mask on?" Scab asks, his face lighting up. Cannibal nods enthusiastically and Lizard maintains eye contact… sort of. The guy really creeps you out.
"Alriiiighhht," Scab says.
"What'd you get us?" Cannibal asks.
"Trappistes Rochefort 8," Scab says. "Beers of Earth, one of Belgium's finest; a strong dark ale weighing in at over 9% abv."
"Well cheers," Cannibal says, raising his plastic mug. Everyone raises their mug in return but no one clangs them together. You wonder if this is because of the plastic or because that's just how they do toasts.
You figure it's better not to ask and do as Dastardly Dog would do by sucking down some beer. It's a little emasculating to drink the beer from a straw, but as you look around to the hardened bikers living it up and laughing like children (except for Lizard, who still has one of his eyes trained on you) you know that you made the right decision. You're doing it for the people and that's what's important.
"So let me ask you something Dastardly," Scab says, "Happy Ducks girlfriend, Haley... What was her mother's name?"
"Grey Goose," You reply without hesitation. You've watched the cartoons hundreds of times and know just about everything about them.
"She was named after the vodka, wasn't she?" Cannibal asks.
"I don't know," You respond honestly. "That would make sense, though."
"I think she was," Cannibal says. “Geese don’t give birth to ducks, so there was no reason to for her to exist as a goose if not for the reference.”
"I still don't think they would name a character in a kids cartoon after vodka," Scab argues.
"Where the hell else would they get a name like that from?" Cannibal asks.
"I don't know, the goose was grey in color, it was probably just the logical option." Scab rebuts.
"I don't see how it matters," You tell them; "Dastardly Dog killed the bitch in a vengeful fury that was aimed to attack Happy Duck emotionally." The bikers stop their arguing and stare at you in a long and uncomfortable silence. You begin to grow nervous when they burst into laughter.
You continue to drink with them and when the Rochefort runs out, Cannibal gets up and returns with Weihenstephaner's for everyone. "It's German," He tells you, "They're arguably the masters of brewery and this is the oldest brewery in the world."
"You're doing this all wrong," Scab says. "You can't go from something heavy like Rochefort dark ale to something light and crisp like Weihenstephaner's."
"Well what the hell was I supposed to do? You started this out with one of the heaviest beers on the menu," Cannibal returns.
"Alright fine," Scab says; "That’s a fair point. And it's a good beer. I just think we should have shifted to the lighter beers more gradually."
"Think of it as a palate cleanser," Cannibal says.
Well whatever it is, it goes down smooth and your head feels pretty buzzed when Lizard returns with another round of beers, setting one before each of you.
"What kind is this?" You ask.
"Beck's," Cannibal answers for him. "It’s always Beck's."
Lizard nods his head and smiles, but somewhere behind the smile is something sinister. You try to break through to him. With the powers of Dastardly Dog and Happy Duck Park, anything is possible.
"You don't talk a lot, do you?" You ask Lizard.
The skinny biker shakes his head no and sticks out a tongue that is split in two down the center, like that of a snake. Or a lizard maybe, you guess.
"It happened to him in Desert Storm when he was captured by the enemy," Scab explains.
"Wait a minute," you say, pointing to Lizard with your dog hand; "Lizard isn't your real name, is it?"
Everyone laughs. Even Lizard. All things are possible through the power of the Park. The four of you drink your beers and make crude jokes about Ducky Park, Happy Duck cartoons, and life in general. Scab buys a fourth round of beers and by the time you are finished you are loud and belligerently drunk.
"Ah man," Cannibal says at one point. "You should tell everyone you're naked under the costume! That would be hilarious!" All of you laugh at the prospect. Then Scab interjects his own opinion.
"Fuck that, you should be naked under that costume. That'd be some shit!" More laughter from everyone.
You decide that while it would be next to impossible to undress from within the confines of the costume, it would be seriously humorous if everyone thought you were naked beneath Dastardly Dog's costume.
“How do you know I’m not?!” You bellow to a chorus of laughter from the crew.
You stumble to your feet. You’ve dallied long enough with these guys. You still have a job to do. You nearly fall on your face after you trip over the table beside you, catching yourself on hands and knees. You get backup and stumble through the park in a drunken stupor. A crowd of children surrounds you and you scream at them, more chaotic and angry than you intended.
"Get the fuck away from me," You slur; "Don't you see?! I'm naked beneath this costume!!"
The kids run away in terror while you laugh maniacally in their wake.
A security guard stands before you not long after this incident. "I'm going to have to ask you to go to the locker room and remove the costume. You are no longer employed here at Ducky Park," He says.
"You can't fire me," You say, leaning in close and nearly falling upon him; "I'm Dastardly Dog! The star of the show! Without me Happy Duck is just a happy fucking duck!! No one wants to watch a show about a duck who is just happy! That would be stupid! Everyone knows that!"
"Sir," The security guard interjects; "I need you to leave."
"Do you know who I am?!" You shoot back. "Do you know who I am?! I'm Dastard-fuckin-ly Dog! You're just a security guard! Get away from me!"
The guard holds up a narrow can of something and sprays it into the eyeholes of your mask. At first your vision just goes a little blurry, but they soon begin burn. You drop to the ground and flail uncontrollably as the burning sensation amplifies. You cry out in pain and rip the mask from your face, the cold air is refreshing, but does little to ease the pain.
Somehow you remove the costume and crawl aimlessly around. The security guard lifts you up by an arm while someone else lifts you by the other. Together, they drag you out of Ducky Park and dump you onto the sidewalk.
After lying in a heap, you eventually rise to your feet and make your way home. Hours later you reach your front door where your father waits for you.
"I got a call from Uncle Jim," He says to you even before you step into the house. "He says you were drinking on the job and telling everybody you’re naked."
"I-" You begin to explain.
"Don't give me no lip, boy," He says, bringing his belt down on you like a whip. He pelts you with a furious assault of leather and utter pain. Eventually he loses the energy and leaves you crying on the living room floor.
“Ducky Park did this to me,” you tell yourself. “I hate Ducky Park so much.”
"Free beer?" You ask. "Count me in."
"Damn right," the barrel chested biker says, patting you happily on the back. His friends grin sick and evil grins of delight. "My name is Scab," he tells you, shaking your furry paw firmly. He points to his buddies and introduces them. "The guy with the Mohawk is called Lizard, and the other guy there is known as Cannibal."
"Nice to meet you," you say. "I'm Dastardly Dog, arch nemesis of Happy Duck."
They laugh at this and the four of you make your way through the park over to the beer garden. You sit down at a cheap plastic table with Lizard and Cannibal, while Scab orders a round of beers. When Scab returns his roguish face is somehow serene. It's the magic of Ducky Park, everyone is happier here, it’s just like in the commercials.
"You'll probably want to take your stupid Dog face off so's you can drink." Cannibal tells you.
"There's a hole big enough for a straw," you offer. "If you want to me to keep the Dog some more."
"Hell yeah," Cannibal responds, slamming his hands palm-flat on the table and rising to his feet. “I’ll get a straw.” He runs off, leaving you alone with Lizard.
Lizard leans his head slowly from side to side, one of his eyes wandering around a bit with the other trained on you. He almost doesn't blink, going long periods of time with his eyes wide open and staring, his mouth slightly open. You try to smile behind the mask, despite the futility of the action. There is something about Lizard that is unsettling.
Thankfully you see Cannibal coming back with a straw at about the same time that Scab returns with four beers on a tray. Scab sets one mug down in front of each of you and Cannibal puts a straw in one for you.
"He can drink with the mask on?" Scab asks, his face lighting up. Cannibal nods enthusiastically and Lizard maintains eye contact… sort of. The guy really creeps you out.
"Alriiiighhht," Scab says.
"What'd you get us?" Cannibal asks.
"Trappistes Rochefort 8," Scab says. "Beers of Earth, one of Belgium's finest; a strong dark ale weighing in at over 9% abv."
"Well cheers," Cannibal says, raising his plastic mug. Everyone raises their mug in return but no one clangs them together. You wonder if this is because of the plastic or because that's just how they do toasts.
You figure it's better not to ask and do as Dastardly Dog would do by sucking down some beer. It's a little emasculating to drink the beer from a straw, but as you look around to the hardened bikers living it up and laughing like children (except for Lizard, who still has one of his eyes trained on you) you know that you made the right decision. You're doing it for the people and that's what's important.
"So let me ask you something Dastardly," Scab says, "Happy Ducks girlfriend, Haley... What was her mother's name?"
"Grey Goose," You reply without hesitation. You've watched the cartoons hundreds of times and know just about everything about them.
"She was named after the vodka, wasn't she?" Cannibal asks.
"I don't know," You respond honestly. "That would make sense, though."
"I think she was," Cannibal says. “Geese don’t give birth to ducks, so there was no reason to for her to exist as a goose if not for the reference.”
"I still don't think they would name a character in a kids cartoon after vodka," Scab argues.
"Where the hell else would they get a name like that from?" Cannibal asks.
"I don't know, the goose was grey in color, it was probably just the logical option." Scab rebuts.
"I don't see how it matters," You tell them; "Dastardly Dog killed the bitch in a vengeful fury that was aimed to attack Happy Duck emotionally." The bikers stop their arguing and stare at you in a long and uncomfortable silence. You begin to grow nervous when they burst into laughter.
You continue to drink with them and when the Rochefort runs out, Cannibal gets up and returns with Weihenstephaner's for everyone. "It's German," He tells you, "They're arguably the masters of brewery and this is the oldest brewery in the world."
"You're doing this all wrong," Scab says. "You can't go from something heavy like Rochefort dark ale to something light and crisp like Weihenstephaner's."
"Well what the hell was I supposed to do? You started this out with one of the heaviest beers on the menu," Cannibal returns.
"Alright fine," Scab says; "That’s a fair point. And it's a good beer. I just think we should have shifted to the lighter beers more gradually."
"Think of it as a palate cleanser," Cannibal says.
Well whatever it is, it goes down smooth and your head feels pretty buzzed when Lizard returns with another round of beers, setting one before each of you.
"What kind is this?" You ask.
"Beck's," Cannibal answers for him. "It’s always Beck's."
Lizard nods his head and smiles, but somewhere behind the smile is something sinister. You try to break through to him. With the powers of Dastardly Dog and Happy Duck Park, anything is possible.
"You don't talk a lot, do you?" You ask Lizard.
The skinny biker shakes his head no and sticks out a tongue that is split in two down the center, like that of a snake. Or a lizard maybe, you guess.
"It happened to him in Desert Storm when he was captured by the enemy," Scab explains.
"Wait a minute," you say, pointing to Lizard with your dog hand; "Lizard isn't your real name, is it?"
Everyone laughs. Even Lizard. All things are possible through the power of the Park. The four of you drink your beers and make crude jokes about Ducky Park, Happy Duck cartoons, and life in general. Scab buys a fourth round of beers and by the time you are finished you are loud and belligerently drunk.
"Ah man," Cannibal says at one point. "You should tell everyone you're naked under the costume! That would be hilarious!" All of you laugh at the prospect. Then Scab interjects his own opinion.
"Fuck that, you should be naked under that costume. That'd be some shit!" More laughter from everyone.
You decide that while it would be next to impossible to undress from within the confines of the costume, it would be seriously humorous if everyone thought you were naked beneath Dastardly Dog's costume.
“How do you know I’m not?!” You bellow to a chorus of laughter from the crew.
You stumble to your feet. You’ve dallied long enough with these guys. You still have a job to do. You nearly fall on your face after you trip over the table beside you, catching yourself on hands and knees. You get backup and stumble through the park in a drunken stupor. A crowd of children surrounds you and you scream at them, more chaotic and angry than you intended.
"Get the fuck away from me," You slur; "Don't you see?! I'm naked beneath this costume!!"
The kids run away in terror while you laugh maniacally in their wake.
A security guard stands before you not long after this incident. "I'm going to have to ask you to go to the locker room and remove the costume. You are no longer employed here at Ducky Park," He says.
"You can't fire me," You say, leaning in close and nearly falling upon him; "I'm Dastardly Dog! The star of the show! Without me Happy Duck is just a happy fucking duck!! No one wants to watch a show about a duck who is just happy! That would be stupid! Everyone knows that!"
"Sir," The security guard interjects; "I need you to leave."
"Do you know who I am?!" You shoot back. "Do you know who I am?! I'm Dastard-fuckin-ly Dog! You're just a security guard! Get away from me!"
The guard holds up a narrow can of something and sprays it into the eyeholes of your mask. At first your vision just goes a little blurry, but they soon begin burn. You drop to the ground and flail uncontrollably as the burning sensation amplifies. You cry out in pain and rip the mask from your face, the cold air is refreshing, but does little to ease the pain.
Somehow you remove the costume and crawl aimlessly around. The security guard lifts you up by an arm while someone else lifts you by the other. Together, they drag you out of Ducky Park and dump you onto the sidewalk.
After lying in a heap, you eventually rise to your feet and make your way home. Hours later you reach your front door where your father waits for you.
"I got a call from Uncle Jim," He says to you even before you step into the house. "He says you were drinking on the job and telling everybody you’re naked."
"I-" You begin to explain.
"Don't give me no lip, boy," He says, bringing his belt down on you like a whip. He pelts you with a furious assault of leather and utter pain. Eventually he loses the energy and leaves you crying on the living room floor.
“Ducky Park did this to me,” you tell yourself. “I hate Ducky Park so much.”
