Ground Zero
Fuck work, the world's about to end soon and you need to prepare yourself for that! You immediately call up the number that the infomercial mentioned. You know the damn thing by heart since you've been watching it night after night. Eventually a chipper female voice picks up on the other end.
"Ground Zero Survival Inc. How may I help you?"
"Uh, yeah I'd like to buy a bomb shelter."
"That's wonderful sir! In these uncertain times you can never be too careful and we here at GZS are thrilled that you've chosen to trust us in your continued existence! You and your family's utmost protection is as important to us is it is to you! Our shelters are the best you'll find and, we have many shelters still available at various prices, but really can you put a price on your loved ones protection? Of course not! So I'm sure you'll want one of our top of the line models that are still left! Okay so how many are in your family?"
"Um, just me."
"Oh " the voice suddenly gets less chipper.
"What?"
"Sir, don't you have ANY family? Like a wife at least, maybe a cousin?"
"No, not really."
"Oh dear "
"WHAT!?"
"Well sir, its just that, we here at GZS are a family friendly business and we feel that the survival of the human race will best be served by those who have a strong sense of family ties and a respect for the family unit. We aren't in the business of selling shelters to those of low moral fiber sir "
"What the fuck?! Just because I'm single I gotta be some sort of low life? I'm not luring fuckin' little girls into my car with lollipops! I have a fucking job and pay my goddamn taxes!"
"Sir, I don't like you taking that tone with me when there isn't any call for it and I would appreciate it if you didn't blaspheme, I'm a God fearing woman. Now then I understand your frustration, but there's nothing we can do. Our shelters were primarily built for families of at least four. To put singles in them wouldn't be fair to families that have children who shall surely be the ones to rebuild civilization, not to mention it would be a waste of resources. A single person would have an overstock of food and water since as I said we primarily cater to families and stock the shelters with families in mind."
"I fail to see how me having MORE than enough food and water is a bad thing "
"I see sir, so you would be selfish and deprive a possible family of survival?"
"I didn't say that! And wait a minute; wouldn't I be doing that anyway if I had a family of my own?"
"Yes, but it would be different."
"How?"
"You would have a family sir."
You're about ready to throw the phone against the wall in frustration.
"So basically what you're telling me is you're not selling me a shelter."
"Ah now I didn't say that sir! Since you're interested in buying our product and by your previous outburst I can tell you ARE a productive member of society. And it is only due to your poor social skills that you have been unable to take the necessary steps to have a family of your own! But never fear, GZS HAS kept your type in mind!"
"Gee, thanks "
"You're quite welcome sir! We have the Community Shelters for singles! It is basically a giant shelter filled with singles such as yourself. You will be given a separate room to live in, but everything else you must share. Don't worry we have stocked these shelters with supplies to last for years! It is our hope that nature will take its course and when it comes time to return to the surface a fully functional tight knit community of families will emerge to rebuild civilization once again!"
Sharing isn't something you're good at. You like your privacy and your space and your solitude. You can't imagine sharing stuff when your very survival is at stake.
"Look, don't you have ANYTHING I can get by myself?" you demand.
"Are you serious sir? You actually want to be alone?" the voice says as if you must be nuts to ask that kind of question.
"If possible yeah."
"Well I shouldn't really tell you sir, because you snapped at me earlier, but it is my job to make sure any potential customer is serviced to the best of my ability. That and the fact that these other Special Shelters we have are a bit experimental."
"Experimental? What do you mean?"
"Well I don't know too much about these Special Shelters myself sir, all I know is they have been equipped with the latest technology and VERY expensive. Anyone can buy one as long as they have the money to do so."
"Well how experimental are these things exactly?"
"As I said sir, I know little about these Special Shelters other than they are equipped with the latest technology. GZS has run tests and they are considered very safe and will protect you in the coming apocalypse, however due to time constraints GZS may have missed a few minor things, and as such we are legally required to warn er inform potential customers before they buy them."
"Ground Zero Survival Inc. How may I help you?"
"Uh, yeah I'd like to buy a bomb shelter."
"That's wonderful sir! In these uncertain times you can never be too careful and we here at GZS are thrilled that you've chosen to trust us in your continued existence! You and your family's utmost protection is as important to us is it is to you! Our shelters are the best you'll find and, we have many shelters still available at various prices, but really can you put a price on your loved ones protection? Of course not! So I'm sure you'll want one of our top of the line models that are still left! Okay so how many are in your family?"
"Um, just me."
"Oh " the voice suddenly gets less chipper.
"What?"
"Sir, don't you have ANY family? Like a wife at least, maybe a cousin?"
"No, not really."
"Oh dear "
"WHAT!?"
"Well sir, its just that, we here at GZS are a family friendly business and we feel that the survival of the human race will best be served by those who have a strong sense of family ties and a respect for the family unit. We aren't in the business of selling shelters to those of low moral fiber sir "
"What the fuck?! Just because I'm single I gotta be some sort of low life? I'm not luring fuckin' little girls into my car with lollipops! I have a fucking job and pay my goddamn taxes!"
"Sir, I don't like you taking that tone with me when there isn't any call for it and I would appreciate it if you didn't blaspheme, I'm a God fearing woman. Now then I understand your frustration, but there's nothing we can do. Our shelters were primarily built for families of at least four. To put singles in them wouldn't be fair to families that have children who shall surely be the ones to rebuild civilization, not to mention it would be a waste of resources. A single person would have an overstock of food and water since as I said we primarily cater to families and stock the shelters with families in mind."
"I fail to see how me having MORE than enough food and water is a bad thing "
"I see sir, so you would be selfish and deprive a possible family of survival?"
"I didn't say that! And wait a minute; wouldn't I be doing that anyway if I had a family of my own?"
"Yes, but it would be different."
"How?"
"You would have a family sir."
You're about ready to throw the phone against the wall in frustration.
"So basically what you're telling me is you're not selling me a shelter."
"Ah now I didn't say that sir! Since you're interested in buying our product and by your previous outburst I can tell you ARE a productive member of society. And it is only due to your poor social skills that you have been unable to take the necessary steps to have a family of your own! But never fear, GZS HAS kept your type in mind!"
"Gee, thanks "
"You're quite welcome sir! We have the Community Shelters for singles! It is basically a giant shelter filled with singles such as yourself. You will be given a separate room to live in, but everything else you must share. Don't worry we have stocked these shelters with supplies to last for years! It is our hope that nature will take its course and when it comes time to return to the surface a fully functional tight knit community of families will emerge to rebuild civilization once again!"
Sharing isn't something you're good at. You like your privacy and your space and your solitude. You can't imagine sharing stuff when your very survival is at stake.
"Look, don't you have ANYTHING I can get by myself?" you demand.
"Are you serious sir? You actually want to be alone?" the voice says as if you must be nuts to ask that kind of question.
"If possible yeah."
"Well I shouldn't really tell you sir, because you snapped at me earlier, but it is my job to make sure any potential customer is serviced to the best of my ability. That and the fact that these other Special Shelters we have are a bit experimental."
"Experimental? What do you mean?"
"Well I don't know too much about these Special Shelters myself sir, all I know is they have been equipped with the latest technology and VERY expensive. Anyone can buy one as long as they have the money to do so."
"Well how experimental are these things exactly?"
"As I said sir, I know little about these Special Shelters other than they are equipped with the latest technology. GZS has run tests and they are considered very safe and will protect you in the coming apocalypse, however due to time constraints GZS may have missed a few minor things, and as such we are legally required to warn er inform potential customers before they buy them."