The Great Sael Adventure 1
Slightly repulsed but also trusting the Commodore, you nod your head in agreement.
"Alright, men!" the Commodore calls out, and he shares the plan which got him out of this situation eons ago. The crew execute it immediately like the well-oiled machine they are.
*An Ocean's 11-style montage in which you play no part plays out below*
Ferdinand the Flipper hollows out the husk of a melon and uses bean threads to create a makeshift vegetable guitar. He sweetly serenades Gary the Guardsman with the timeless classic "Free me, for a Sad Bean I Be", pulling at the gruff guardsman's heartstrings:
"Free me, for a Sad Bean I Be
Free me, without Me there's no We to R Beans
I like your eyes, I like your smile—please bean with me"
Gary puts up a good fight against the sentimental tug of these masterfully sappy lyrics, but after 7 1/2 hours of incessant repetition and worrisome amounts of eye fluttering, he finally succumbs to his desires. Ferdinand the Flipper successfully wins over the heart of Gary the Guardsman and they have a midnight rendezvous tangled in the vines of the Beans 'Я' We plantation. Hearing nothing but the cucumber version of crickets and the rustling of leaves, along with their groans of pleasure (and maybe the sloshing of mud beneath their butt cheeks), they finish their encounter and each other about 30 minutes apart (there was some overexcitability on Gary's part—it's been a long time with just Gary and the cukes, and it wasn't Ferdinand's worst encounter, but it certainly wasn't his best). During the after-magic (post-subpar canoodling) cuddling, Gary falls asleep, leaving an opening for Ferdinand to obtain a set of keys and a uniform. Scampering back to the barracks where the crew are staying, Ferdinand passes off the keys and uniform to Reginald the Raider.
Newly decked out in a Beans 'Я' We Undead Cucumber Plantation uniform and a sick nasty ring boasting a complete set of keys, Reginald the Raider raids the laundry room, makes raid noises, and requisitions two laundry carts, which he unsurreptitiously rolls back to the barracks.
Cartreuse the Carter (with the invaluable assistance of Lartreuse the Loader (no relation)) loads all the remaining members of the crew into the laundry carts and rolls them out, ostensibly for a laundry delivery. The last one in is Moby the Moppy (not "Mopping") Moper who was cleaning the floor with his tears, just to make sure it looked nice before they left.
The pair of cart handlers head to a hole in the perimeter of cucumber vines found earlier by Samboni "Sam" the Scouter which is left unattended during the daily changing of the guard for exactly 3 minutes and 22 seconds. Cartreuse and Lartreuse speed the carts through the opening out into the parking lot.
The laundry carts are man-handled across the asphalt paradise to the single transport van. Lockopold Locksmith picks the lock on the van and Hottifer the Hotwirer hotwires it as Unlartreuse the Unloader (relation) gets everybody out of the carts and into the back of the transport van. Vemi-Vemi "Vemi" Vaver the Van Driver (who can get you anywhere in thirty two secondsv) revs the engine and blasts off, heading for the exit of the plantation toward the portal back to the world of the living.
On the way out, there's a guard booth checkpoint. Vemi cries out to the Commodore in alarm, "AVAST! There's a guard booth up ahead you never mentioned!" to which the Commodore replies, "Indeed! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!"
Vemi guns it and tries to barrel through the guard gate, but instead crashes headlong into a forcefield at the gate, totaling the the van and tossing about the would-be escapees in the back of the transport vehicle.
"Ah! Unforeseen circumstances!" cries the Commodore. The crew tumbles out of the smoking vehicle. The Willy the Wide-Eyed Wanderer and Wilford the Wise-Eyed Willer are the first to see a bipedal hippopotamus wearing 2020 NYE glasses, a plain hair wrap tied in a bow under their chin, a vertical striped blazer, and a wearable photo background showing JFK at the moment of his assassination. Willy opens his eyes real big and Wilford and is filled with insight into the crew's collective impending doom.
Protebrand™ (the Hindsight Hippopotamus) says, "In Hindsight, Commodore, it seems inevitable that you would end up here again. In Hindsight, you should have thought about the technological advances that would have been made since your last escape! In Hindsight, a new checkpoint has been added to prevent escapes like this. In Hindsight, you'll wish you hadn't tried this. In Hindsight, this will be the most regrettable thing you've ever done."
Protebrand™ the Hindsight Hippopotamus arrests you all and banishes you all to a new netherworld, a hell beyond this hell: AsparaGuy Die!! where you, the crew, and the Commodore must grow as giant asparagus with human consciousnesses for 10,000 years. There are no faces or limbs, only thoughts trapped in a delicious grassy form as you sway back and forth in the eternal wind for what feels to your mortal minds like an eternity.
Oh, boy.
"Alright, men!" the Commodore calls out, and he shares the plan which got him out of this situation eons ago. The crew execute it immediately like the well-oiled machine they are.
*An Ocean's 11-style montage in which you play no part plays out below*
Ferdinand the Flipper hollows out the husk of a melon and uses bean threads to create a makeshift vegetable guitar. He sweetly serenades Gary the Guardsman with the timeless classic "Free me, for a Sad Bean I Be", pulling at the gruff guardsman's heartstrings:
"Free me, for a Sad Bean I Be
Free me, without Me there's no We to R Beans
I like your eyes, I like your smile—please bean with me"
Gary puts up a good fight against the sentimental tug of these masterfully sappy lyrics, but after 7 1/2 hours of incessant repetition and worrisome amounts of eye fluttering, he finally succumbs to his desires. Ferdinand the Flipper successfully wins over the heart of Gary the Guardsman and they have a midnight rendezvous tangled in the vines of the Beans 'Я' We plantation. Hearing nothing but the cucumber version of crickets and the rustling of leaves, along with their groans of pleasure (and maybe the sloshing of mud beneath their butt cheeks), they finish their encounter and each other about 30 minutes apart (there was some overexcitability on Gary's part—it's been a long time with just Gary and the cukes, and it wasn't Ferdinand's worst encounter, but it certainly wasn't his best). During the after-magic (post-subpar canoodling) cuddling, Gary falls asleep, leaving an opening for Ferdinand to obtain a set of keys and a uniform. Scampering back to the barracks where the crew are staying, Ferdinand passes off the keys and uniform to Reginald the Raider.
Newly decked out in a Beans 'Я' We Undead Cucumber Plantation uniform and a sick nasty ring boasting a complete set of keys, Reginald the Raider raids the laundry room, makes raid noises, and requisitions two laundry carts, which he unsurreptitiously rolls back to the barracks.
Cartreuse the Carter (with the invaluable assistance of Lartreuse the Loader (no relation)) loads all the remaining members of the crew into the laundry carts and rolls them out, ostensibly for a laundry delivery. The last one in is Moby the Moppy (not "Mopping") Moper who was cleaning the floor with his tears, just to make sure it looked nice before they left.
The pair of cart handlers head to a hole in the perimeter of cucumber vines found earlier by Samboni "Sam" the Scouter which is left unattended during the daily changing of the guard for exactly 3 minutes and 22 seconds. Cartreuse and Lartreuse speed the carts through the opening out into the parking lot.
The laundry carts are man-handled across the asphalt paradise to the single transport van. Lockopold Locksmith picks the lock on the van and Hottifer the Hotwirer hotwires it as Unlartreuse the Unloader (relation) gets everybody out of the carts and into the back of the transport van. Vemi-Vemi "Vemi" Vaver the Van Driver (who can get you anywhere in thirty two secondsv) revs the engine and blasts off, heading for the exit of the plantation toward the portal back to the world of the living.
On the way out, there's a guard booth checkpoint. Vemi cries out to the Commodore in alarm, "AVAST! There's a guard booth up ahead you never mentioned!" to which the Commodore replies, "Indeed! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!"
Vemi guns it and tries to barrel through the guard gate, but instead crashes headlong into a forcefield at the gate, totaling the the van and tossing about the would-be escapees in the back of the transport vehicle.
"Ah! Unforeseen circumstances!" cries the Commodore. The crew tumbles out of the smoking vehicle. The Willy the Wide-Eyed Wanderer and Wilford the Wise-Eyed Willer are the first to see a bipedal hippopotamus wearing 2020 NYE glasses, a plain hair wrap tied in a bow under their chin, a vertical striped blazer, and a wearable photo background showing JFK at the moment of his assassination. Willy opens his eyes real big and Wilford and is filled with insight into the crew's collective impending doom.
Protebrand™ (the Hindsight Hippopotamus) says, "In Hindsight, Commodore, it seems inevitable that you would end up here again. In Hindsight, you should have thought about the technological advances that would have been made since your last escape! In Hindsight, a new checkpoint has been added to prevent escapes like this. In Hindsight, you'll wish you hadn't tried this. In Hindsight, this will be the most regrettable thing you've ever done."
Protebrand™ the Hindsight Hippopotamus arrests you all and banishes you all to a new netherworld, a hell beyond this hell: AsparaGuy Die!! where you, the crew, and the Commodore must grow as giant asparagus with human consciousnesses for 10,000 years. There are no faces or limbs, only thoughts trapped in a delicious grassy form as you sway back and forth in the eternal wind for what feels to your mortal minds like an eternity.
Oh, boy.