Mediocre Moose Maulings!!
The moose frowns and hardens his face.
"Is that a threat to my children of the forest?"
"Shut up old man. You have all this land, and just wasting it away. Give it to me, and I'll start a whole new empire! I shall be ruler of all of Mordor! And I will not be an old and vile queen. No! But a young, and beautiful queen! The very laws of nature shall be my play thing!"
Orpheus then coughs.
"Zelda, you realize moose country is only like, two acres, right?"
"Orpheus. Please. The big kids are talking."
"The four of you could not possibly stand against my warriors. We have lived in this land for centuries. We will not bow to your demands."
You then slap the moose to the ground with the side of a semi automatic pistol.
"GET ON THE GROUND, BITCH!"
The moose gets on its knees, arms at the sides of his head.
"Easy, lady, I don't want any trouble."
"SHUT UP! Now put your mouth on the side of that sidewalk."
"Lady, don't do this-"
"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR TEETH ON THAT CEMENT I WILL POP SOME LEAD IN YOUR SKULL!"
Jane hisses into the moose's ear "I've seen her do it man!"
The moose, while screaming incomprehensible pleads for mercy, puts his jaw on the edge of the sidewalk.
You then take a deep breath, adjust your hair, and look over to Orpheus.
"Orpheus, I'm tired, could you be Santa's little helper and curb stomp this animal for me?"
"W-what?! Zelda! I'm not goi-"
"Orpheus, come ON. I have never asked for anything from you in the past."
"Zelda, I'm not wearing shoes, and I didn't even want to be a part of this and I DON'T WANT TO KILL A MOOSE FOR NO REASON!"
"Orpheus, I swear, if you don't crush the moose's skull in by the time I count to three, I'll enlist you to work in Pattaya, Thailand as a sex slave to business men."
And so Orpheus tearfully put his foot on top of the screaming moose's head, and pushed down.
"Zelda I'm too weak!"
"I have the child sex resort number on speed dial."
Orpheus started trying to step on the Moose, blood was starting to trickle onto his feet, but Moose was still alive, and howling inhumane screeches adding to Orpheus' horror.
After fifteen minutes, Orpheus, covered in blood, but still not yet killed the Moose, falls to the ground vomiting.
You kick him aside, and with a single fire you kill the moose.
"Orpheus, you have failed me as a friend, and you have failed yourself as a man." Right when you pull out your phone, you hear a rustle in the trees.
It's the Tree Moose. They have seen what you have done, and will surely warn others of how you murdered their leader.
The great Moose War of 0 freaking 8 has begun.
"Is that a threat to my children of the forest?"
"Shut up old man. You have all this land, and just wasting it away. Give it to me, and I'll start a whole new empire! I shall be ruler of all of Mordor! And I will not be an old and vile queen. No! But a young, and beautiful queen! The very laws of nature shall be my play thing!"
Orpheus then coughs.
"Zelda, you realize moose country is only like, two acres, right?"
"Orpheus. Please. The big kids are talking."
"The four of you could not possibly stand against my warriors. We have lived in this land for centuries. We will not bow to your demands."
You then slap the moose to the ground with the side of a semi automatic pistol.
"GET ON THE GROUND, BITCH!"
The moose gets on its knees, arms at the sides of his head.
"Easy, lady, I don't want any trouble."
"SHUT UP! Now put your mouth on the side of that sidewalk."
"Lady, don't do this-"
"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR TEETH ON THAT CEMENT I WILL POP SOME LEAD IN YOUR SKULL!"
Jane hisses into the moose's ear "I've seen her do it man!"
The moose, while screaming incomprehensible pleads for mercy, puts his jaw on the edge of the sidewalk.
You then take a deep breath, adjust your hair, and look over to Orpheus.
"Orpheus, I'm tired, could you be Santa's little helper and curb stomp this animal for me?"
"W-what?! Zelda! I'm not goi-"
"Orpheus, come ON. I have never asked for anything from you in the past."
"Zelda, I'm not wearing shoes, and I didn't even want to be a part of this and I DON'T WANT TO KILL A MOOSE FOR NO REASON!"
"Orpheus, I swear, if you don't crush the moose's skull in by the time I count to three, I'll enlist you to work in Pattaya, Thailand as a sex slave to business men."
And so Orpheus tearfully put his foot on top of the screaming moose's head, and pushed down.
"Zelda I'm too weak!"
"I have the child sex resort number on speed dial."
Orpheus started trying to step on the Moose, blood was starting to trickle onto his feet, but Moose was still alive, and howling inhumane screeches adding to Orpheus' horror.
After fifteen minutes, Orpheus, covered in blood, but still not yet killed the Moose, falls to the ground vomiting.
You kick him aside, and with a single fire you kill the moose.
"Orpheus, you have failed me as a friend, and you have failed yourself as a man." Right when you pull out your phone, you hear a rustle in the trees.
It's the Tree Moose. They have seen what you have done, and will surely warn others of how you murdered their leader.
The great Moose War of 0 freaking 8 has begun.