The Country from Hell
"Really," you protest once the two of you are standing on the platform. "I'm not in the mood for games."
"Look," says Green Bandit, pointing to a line of drunks slumped against the side of the station, each with a bottle of custia balanced loosely in his dirty hand. "You could have one of them for a husband. No matter how bad it is, it could always get worse."
"I guess so."
A long-distance train comes screeching into the station, blowing swirls of metallic railroad air into your face. Green Bandit grabs you by the hand, leading you onto a smoky car and into a compartment with worn leather seats.
"Please tell me we're emigrating," you sigh, dropping listlessly onto the seat.
"Even better. Today we are going on a historical journey to the great Oak of Camo Casip where I need to do some research. You will be my most lovely assistant. We are taking this train because it's faster and, who knows, we might even meet some handsome rich foreigners."
With the predictably cruel irony that permeates all of Iad, two hideously ugly foreign men do indeed appear at that very moment at the entrance to your compartment. One knocks obligingly at the window. His hair is long and greasy, held back in a ponytail. He carries a new leather attaché case. Not waiting for a response, he opens the compartment door.
"Good morning, ladies," he says in a Iadian too perfect to be learned. "Do you mind if my associate and I join you?" He's Iadian all right. The way his eyes incessantly shift from side to side gives it away. The other, however, steps self-consciously in, lugging behind him a huge bright blue suitcase that seems to show off its feathers like a peacock.
As the train pulls out of the station, you and Green Bandit just stare unhappily at each other. The men sit quite still as well, occasionally conversing in German, but all the while leering with obvious sideways glances that make you want to kick them where it hurts most. Finally, Maria lets out an exasperated sigh, lifts the carton of cigarettes that she has been slowly crushing in her right hand during the entire trip and storms out of the compartment, slamming the door behind her. You see her throw open a window in the aisle and stick her head out, gasping for air. Looking up, you see two vague blue eyes staring at you.
"Guten Tag," says the German, smiling with tight lips.
"Hello," you reply curtly in English.
"My associate here thinks you are a lovely young woman," interjects the slimy Iadian with the ponytail.
"Is that so?"
"Your friend, she is a little mannish, a little rough around the edges. But you, my dear, are a gem."
"Is that so?"
The man smiles knowingly at you, then turns to say a few more words in German with his associate.
"This nice German businessman is curious to know where you are going today."
"Just to Camo Casip."
"To see the Oak?"
"Yes."
"How quaint."
You stare angrily at him. This only makes him smile more. You see now how very rotten his teeth are.
"Iadian fire," he whispers sensually between those rotten teeth. Then, to his associate, "Â…iadisches Feuer!"
The German smiles rather benignly and you see that his teeth are much better. In Germany, people can afford to look good, even when they're naturally ugly. Maybe he is not all bad. Those blue eyes are perhaps kind.
Suddenly, there is a loud knocking at the door and you see Green Bandit gesticulating angrily at you, pointing outside to the big black smokestacks that announce the arrival of Camo Casip. She is about to barge her way in when the Iadian moves the big blue suitcase directly in the way of the door, all the while smiling up at her, motioning imploringly for her to give you just one more minute of conversation. Turning calmly back to you, his face becomes suddenly grave.
"I see your friend doesn't like me. My dear, why do you waste your time with her sort? My associate and I see that you are much too delicate for a place like this. We would really quite enjoy the pleasure of your company a bit longer. There are opportunities for a girl like you that we would like to discuss. Look here, my friend has even brought some real French champagne. If at any time you would like to turn around and go home, Fritz would be happy to buy you a first-class ticket back to Klo." Then, to Fritz he hisses excitedly, "Zeigen Sie ihr das Geld!"
Fritz smiles shyly, slowly opening a leather billfold with a golden clasp. Inside, you are dazzled by the sight of several hundred-Euro bills, all crisp and brand-new.
Green Bandit bangs furiously on the window. You look up at her and find yourself annoyed by her presence. She is so uncouth, so loud. She really does smell in that headscarf she has worn all summer. Her teeth are no good.
You are now at Camo Casip, the cradle of Iadian civilization and home to the ugliest and most polluting industrial wasteland west of the Moses River. Still staring at that proud leather billfold, you feel desperately ashamed of your country. On the other hand, you have more than mild reservations about these two "businessmen". You wish for the one option that isn't yours to choose: to disappear forever.
But daydreaming will get you nowhere. What should you do?
"Look," says Green Bandit, pointing to a line of drunks slumped against the side of the station, each with a bottle of custia balanced loosely in his dirty hand. "You could have one of them for a husband. No matter how bad it is, it could always get worse."
"I guess so."
A long-distance train comes screeching into the station, blowing swirls of metallic railroad air into your face. Green Bandit grabs you by the hand, leading you onto a smoky car and into a compartment with worn leather seats.
"Please tell me we're emigrating," you sigh, dropping listlessly onto the seat.
"Even better. Today we are going on a historical journey to the great Oak of Camo Casip where I need to do some research. You will be my most lovely assistant. We are taking this train because it's faster and, who knows, we might even meet some handsome rich foreigners."
With the predictably cruel irony that permeates all of Iad, two hideously ugly foreign men do indeed appear at that very moment at the entrance to your compartment. One knocks obligingly at the window. His hair is long and greasy, held back in a ponytail. He carries a new leather attaché case. Not waiting for a response, he opens the compartment door.
"Good morning, ladies," he says in a Iadian too perfect to be learned. "Do you mind if my associate and I join you?" He's Iadian all right. The way his eyes incessantly shift from side to side gives it away. The other, however, steps self-consciously in, lugging behind him a huge bright blue suitcase that seems to show off its feathers like a peacock.
As the train pulls out of the station, you and Green Bandit just stare unhappily at each other. The men sit quite still as well, occasionally conversing in German, but all the while leering with obvious sideways glances that make you want to kick them where it hurts most. Finally, Maria lets out an exasperated sigh, lifts the carton of cigarettes that she has been slowly crushing in her right hand during the entire trip and storms out of the compartment, slamming the door behind her. You see her throw open a window in the aisle and stick her head out, gasping for air. Looking up, you see two vague blue eyes staring at you.
"Guten Tag," says the German, smiling with tight lips.
"Hello," you reply curtly in English.
"My associate here thinks you are a lovely young woman," interjects the slimy Iadian with the ponytail.
"Is that so?"
"Your friend, she is a little mannish, a little rough around the edges. But you, my dear, are a gem."
"Is that so?"
The man smiles knowingly at you, then turns to say a few more words in German with his associate.
"This nice German businessman is curious to know where you are going today."
"Just to Camo Casip."
"To see the Oak?"
"Yes."
"How quaint."
You stare angrily at him. This only makes him smile more. You see now how very rotten his teeth are.
"Iadian fire," he whispers sensually between those rotten teeth. Then, to his associate, "Â…iadisches Feuer!"
The German smiles rather benignly and you see that his teeth are much better. In Germany, people can afford to look good, even when they're naturally ugly. Maybe he is not all bad. Those blue eyes are perhaps kind.
Suddenly, there is a loud knocking at the door and you see Green Bandit gesticulating angrily at you, pointing outside to the big black smokestacks that announce the arrival of Camo Casip. She is about to barge her way in when the Iadian moves the big blue suitcase directly in the way of the door, all the while smiling up at her, motioning imploringly for her to give you just one more minute of conversation. Turning calmly back to you, his face becomes suddenly grave.
"I see your friend doesn't like me. My dear, why do you waste your time with her sort? My associate and I see that you are much too delicate for a place like this. We would really quite enjoy the pleasure of your company a bit longer. There are opportunities for a girl like you that we would like to discuss. Look here, my friend has even brought some real French champagne. If at any time you would like to turn around and go home, Fritz would be happy to buy you a first-class ticket back to Klo." Then, to Fritz he hisses excitedly, "Zeigen Sie ihr das Geld!"
Fritz smiles shyly, slowly opening a leather billfold with a golden clasp. Inside, you are dazzled by the sight of several hundred-Euro bills, all crisp and brand-new.
Green Bandit bangs furiously on the window. You look up at her and find yourself annoyed by her presence. She is so uncouth, so loud. She really does smell in that headscarf she has worn all summer. Her teeth are no good.
You are now at Camo Casip, the cradle of Iadian civilization and home to the ugliest and most polluting industrial wasteland west of the Moses River. Still staring at that proud leather billfold, you feel desperately ashamed of your country. On the other hand, you have more than mild reservations about these two "businessmen". You wish for the one option that isn't yours to choose: to disappear forever.
But daydreaming will get you nowhere. What should you do?