Vesnicie

Poopyman won the IWT 11 with this story and deservedly so. His writing has developed beautifully over time and there are so many great examples in this story of a perfect marriage between plot and style, main story and side stories, humor and horror. I hope you will prioritize continuing to develop this one because it's begging to reach what I'm sure will be a spine-tingling conclusion!

I officially object to the rating system not allowing me to give you a negative score here where it really counts, not that namby-pamby little contest. This accidental collection of misaligned words and fragments is such a stinking heap of filth-ridden putrescence, I could barely recover my wits after it assaulted me with such frothing rabid violence. There should be a criminal code for stories like this, for life-sucking, soul-destroying, sanity-masticating affronts to all humanity. I hate this story even more than I hate mildew, Nazis and children.

Hey you brave little bear! Your story truly kicks ass. You are quite the budding poet and I think everyone should take a moment to enjoy the heartfelt and colorful abundance of your writing. Good job on the contest this year. Winning isn't everything. You set a new precedent and raised the standards to a new level of challenge.

You are a boon to our community, good Sir Bear!

On the plus side, you've built the story to maximize the interactive function, with no visibly broken connections or false loops. It is fun and easy to read, with no gratuitous gore or rudeness, which is a rare treat. You struck a good balance between page length and description, both of which matched the tone and intentions of your story.

Where this could use some more work is primarily in character and plot development. It was extremely predictable, with the bold, obvious choice invariably yielding the best, most decisive outcome. I really thought there would be some sort of plot twist with Malcolm, a bait-and-switch maybe, where Malcolm would prove to be inappropriate husband material (Gay? Already pledged to one of the two mysterious lovelies you saw with him in town?), but where acquaintance with him would lead directly to someone else. As it happens, these three suitors are only incidentally connected, which makes the story feel quite linear despite the effective use of CYOA. There are also many grammar mistakes and misspellings throughout.

The story is redeemed by being finished, fun and easy on the mind.

Leblanc, when are you ever gonna give us a new rendition of Ultros or, better yet, the old one back with perhaps a revived path or two towards new glories? Stop on by the forums. They're giving out free beer next week, or so I've heard. It may just be a con.

Oh I see now. Thanks for clearing that up End. donteatpoop is still a douche for doing this though...I thought so much better of him. I'm so bitterly disappointed. You're kind of on my shitlist at the moment poopykins, so that's double doody on youdy.

DEP, you douchepirate. What the fuck is wrong with you?

This was a refreshingly different read. I liked the [i]noir[/i] haze hanging over the story, and all of its implied gloom. Even with these considerations, though, I felt the narrative could have been a bit less lethargic.

It was ok. Never really developed too much in terms of character or progressive plot. It was mildly amusing, but nothing that really cracked me up. Well enough executed, just...missing a lot.

Hammurabi, my friend. Hammurabi.

The only thing worse than writing a story with no content is writing a story with no content and then suggesting that other people fill in all your gaps.

LUCIFER IS THE MORNING STAR!
THE MORNING STAR IS THE EVENING STAR!
THE EVENING STAR IS VENUS!
YOU ARE A PENIS!

Hail Satan Hail Satan!
SHEMHAMFORASH!

It's ok.

Somewhat blah character development.
Somewhat blargh grammar
Sommewhat bleck plot.

But a lot of rooms and, at least, coherent, which around here is saying quite a bit.

This is one of my favorite works of fantasy on the site. It is very well written, with a lyrical quality throughout and a logic all its own which helped to draw me into its unique world. I can't wait to see what you will create next.

Same score as your last one, because this is pretty much on a par.

Your stories sort of remind me of the old Goosebumps CYOA's, especially the bit about strip clubs and such.

Calen is too idealistic. Fatalism FTW!

Yeah it's sort of arbitrary, but then again so are most things in life. No points off for that, really.

Well-written, could use even more description, but then again so could everything.

Best thing to come around as of late, but then again I might be dreaming.

Maybe you're just a kid and I'm a meanie head. But...

You know, maybe the Barney Fanclub has a fanfic section.

This is one of the worst things I have seen from MichaelRayHolt. It's obnoxious, self-indulgent, and doesn't hold together as a story of any sort. My advice is to scrap it entirely.

A very good story, really gritty and marvelously immersing. I wish that the author had developed it even further.

This story is still lacking a lot of depth, not to mention an entire major path. It's also a bit too didactic and propaganda-laden to suit my tastes as a story.

I wish I could give this a negative rating. Pokemon is the ultimate in mind-numbing garbage and I can't say much for the people who create or contribute to this sort of crap.

Um, no.

This story was very well written and the plot was tight as could be. You also successfully worked in a few objects and conditions in a way that wasn't overbearing to the reader. It could have used more development as a story, with better description of your mountainous surroundings. However, for what I think were your purposes in writing this short game, you did a commendable job.

As usual, this makes for slightly laborious reading, but it holds together well enough.

Why is room 235 on the 5th floor?

If YOUR floor was really covered with cocaine and pizza and JD and your phone rang the next morning, do you really think you'd be conscious/alive enough to answer "immediately"?

You've obviously never been a coked out has-been, but take it from someone who knows.

Which I don't. But I still don't like this story.

Mudkip is a scary motherfucker if ever there was one. I want my mommy!

Overall, this was quite an enjoyable read. I took the time to carefully go through the entire story and found that by the end I was completely engrossed.

I have a couple critiques, however. First of all, the overall writing quality suffers from too many typographical errors and a little bit of sloppiness with paragraph breaks, quotations, etc. You are too good a writer to be letting these things slide.

Secondly, and this is not so much a problem with the story itself as a suggestion for the future: I think that the military-campaign-type story has become a bit too formulaic for you. You've done it before, on multiple occasions. You've always executed it well, but I am really anxious to see something from you that is completely new, both thematically and stylistically.

The linearity of the story didn't really bother me since too many branches can quickly lead to a story's downfall. The lute worked very well as a plot device and much-needed counterpoint to all the violence, gore, hopelessness and mayhem. I must also commend you for capturing the essence of "from Hell" so very completely in this harrowing apocalyptic nightmare you have created.

It's the end of the world as we know it, but at least you can still play [i]Greensleeves[/i].

This story started out with some engaging quirkiness (I loved the part about the drunk-kitten alarm clock) and showed signs of effort from the start, however I feel it unraveled a bit as it progressed. Spelling became a lot sloppier, suggesting that you were rushing your way through. Also, the plot took a long time to get off the ground and there wasn't always enough explanation for why one room-end option might be more desirable than another. You're obviously a capable writer. I'd just like to see your talents more fully utilized the next time around.

Because EndMaster told me to.

And he is the Master.

Uneven and unsure of itself. What is this story trying to be? I can tell from your longer rooms that you have the capacity to do far better than this.

This is really the drivel that inhabits your mental space? This is more boring than...than...than the BBC market update on a slow business day. Yah! Take that! I bet you wanna cry now.

It is incredibly refreshing to see a story that is gritty and realistic on this site. Not to mention very well written.

I liked how all the decisions made had consequences, but not to equal degrees, and sometimes a certain decision yielded an unexpected result. This was believable and added to the realism of the story. You also brought up some very interesting questions about culpability and forgiveness that stretched far beyond the plot itself.

I just encourage you to continue with it because you have a good thing here and I found myself caring what happened in the lives of all three brothers.

This sucks shit.

I mean, if this story were a vacuum cleaner, it would be the amazing shit-sucking vacuum cleaner for lazy assholes who can't be bothered to move their bowels on their own.

So, turn this story into a shit-sucking vacuum, patent it, and make a shit-ton of money. But please, for fuck's sake, do not continue sucking the shit out of the written word.

It's really lame
And you're to blame
A crying shame
It's you I flame

DIE DIE DIE DIE!

As character assassinations go, this is pretty funny. You have some good lines in there and just enough grammar mistakes to piss of Michael. I do think, however, that he will get a perverse pleasure out of the fact that you have put forth effort into trashing him. So I'm deducting points for perhaps not having achieved your full intention.

This is also just a joke, so it doesn't deserve a serious score. But it gave me a laugh on a fatally boring Thursday night, so thanks!

Death to Potter!

DEATH TO POTTER!

Rahahahahhahahaha!

Bwahahahahahahhah!

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!

POTTER MUST DIE!

Cowabunga, dude!

I read this one months ago, and quite frankly I don't have the energy for it again, but I'm currently on a "go-back-and-rate-deserving-stories" kick to try to mitigate the effects of random 5's left by random users with not so much as an explanation.

From what I remember...pushing aside the cobwebs...this story put in a lot of attention to detail and sensory description, which is something I always like to see. I admit, I am partial to this sort of style. I too found myself intrigued and pulled in and was sorely disappointed when I came up against an unfinished ending, even if the "ending" was told in the beginning.

The first page of the story seemed a little too histrionic to me right off the bat, but I'm not going to dock you for this since it makes sense within your framework.

In other words: ten.

I had been avoiding this one for awhile out of sheer intimidation. I'm glad I finally got around to it.

My usual gripe would be to beef up the narrative more, but I understand this would be inappropriate in a "fragmented" story such as this one.

What the story lacks in purely literary merits is made up for in complex orchestration and a very successful use of the CYOA format for "The Memento Factor".

I'm not sure why I found this kind of amusing, but I did. Maybe that says something about my sense of humor. I do have friends who claim I'm too easily amused....

Also, I believe the correct term for "Munchkin Village" is actually "Lollipop Land".

R.I.P. Free Willy

Heh. Farts are funny.

I have read this story at least ten times, and I'm not sure why I never got around to rating it. Perhaps because it always left me sort of perplexed in a drugged out sort of way and I just sort of forgot what dimension I was in...

What I like best about this story is its really unique narrative style. I like how Will can "punch the fourth wall" and talk to the narrator, and I like how the narrator often corrects himself or apologizes for digressing. It gives the story the feel of an old piece of folklore passed down (and mangled) through the generations. The choices in each room were also quite varied, ranging from the reasonable to the very random and thus catering to many different tastes.

Usoki, I wish you had put even more of your own effort into this one. It's nice to see many contributors, but I liked the quirkiness of your style and wanted to see it continued further.

I've been writing really long reviews these days, so I'll just fill up some more space now blah blah blah blah blahblahblah. Sorry, I'm a twit.

Oh, and your grammar is downright sexy.

A Date with Death should be awaiting everyone who writes this kind of crap.

This is generally well-written and has a highly structured plot.

However, this story lacks any sort of character development or variation in narrative delivery (e.g., it has little or no dialogue), which made it very difficult for me to stay interested.

Apoth, I really think you can do better than this. I'd also suggest leaving behind your faith vs. religion shtick, because you've really run it into the ground and your point of view on it is monotonously single-sided.

Poop a'loop scoop
Droopy droopy droop

This story was a little bit difficult to get into at first, but I'm glad I stayed on-board with it because it became increasingly intriguing the more I read.

I really liked your use of background notes to flesh out the story more without burdening the less patient among your readers. I also never realized that my ex-boss was actually a Mazatt. Fascinating! My pet name for him was actually "Napoleonic little bastard", but "Mazatt" is much easier.

I like the mix of familiar military and Star Strek-y elements, but in a new and original scenario. I also appreciated some of the chilling parallels to our own current political realities.

I don't see this story as much more than a man's (or a lesbian's) wet dream. Yeah, it's kind of mysterious and sexy, but at the end of the day it's just sort of...empty. I wish there were more variation to it...and more description as well.

Oh man, this is crap indeed. Edible crap. Delectable crap. Hooray!

I wish you'd done more to give background right away about the history between the Last Saints and the Aratics. I also think the story is too heavy on dialog and too light on any meaningful description or nuance. In addition, some of the writing is just laborious to get through.

However, it does hold together more or less and demonstrates a fairly developed concept and execution.

Well, since the story made a little since, I will give it a 2 rather than a 1.

You're also lucky I'm a littlze ubzzed right now. *hiccup* I gotta go catch that hazy Pidgey before it craps on my head!

Would be funnier if it weren't so true.

Three cheers for being a self-interested prick!

Brava on a job well done! The characters were all intricate (that's a fancy word for interesting!) and I agree that you really captured the child's perspective quite well. This story makes me want to dig up my old silver-sequined princess dress and play make-believe! Not that it would fit anymore...adulthood sucks.

Anyway, I would give this story a "9" for a couple grammar and spelling errors that I think you easily would have picked up on with another read-through. However, I too am trying to compensate for Michael's utterly inexplicable 1. So 10 it is!

Who needs hallucinogenic drugs when you have stories like this?

You get one extra point for non-atrocious grammar.

"But at least we don't fuck pigs..."
That should be the ending to every story ever written. Kind of the new "and they lived happily ever after." Good job on the hickspeak, too. This is the wittiest dern pernography I ever done sawed!

I think it is unfair to give this story a poor rating based on differences of belief. Whether or not you believe in the "Jesus myth", as one rater put it, is really immaterial.

I am giving this story an 8 based on the literary merits I perceived in it. As with all of Michael's story's, the grammar is flawless, and unlike the vast majority of other stories on this site, this one uses a good deal of symbolism. I don't think it is meant to be read literally as a visit to the castle of some guy named Christian, but rather as an allegory for spiritual experience.

However, I found some of the writing to be quite heavy and the "flow" of the story felt a bit broken up. Even as a reader friendly to the subject matter, I found it hard at times to sustain an interest in this story.

Why bother making a story like this? You call it "1 in the morning humor", I don't call it humor at all. If you're suffering from flatulence of the brain, get an etch-a-sketch and make crazy little designs or take a long bath with your head submerged, but please don't write a story.

I wish you would come back, Chubby. Your writing is simply exceptional. I would really love to see this one completed It's a good story concept with fully realized characters. I won't even take points off for your continual confusion about the apostrophe. (Remember: possessives don't have them!)

High marks for a story that makes sense and is tight and well put-together, that's interesting and holds my attention.

It's obvious that angry chickens, time machines and angels can all loop you back to the beginning, but why also the lack of a "minotaur key"? I acknowledge that maze stories are difficult because they're unwieldy and become complex very quickly. But if you're not up to that challenge, don't construct a maze.

Also, I really detest being asked in these sorts of stories if I already possess a certain object because, if I don't, it almost always means I'm screwed.

Oh, and one more thing. Just because it's a maze doesn't mean you can't make at least some attempt at description. Even in mazes, continuously one-liner rooms just aren't interesting.

Why don't you loop yourself back to the beginning and try again?

Who gave you a license to live?

Well, you've certainly pushed all my buttons. Next time, why don't you do us all a favor and create an actual story?

This is the kind of story that should be written on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it. My BM's have more finesse than this utter P.O.S.

Are you really an 11-year-old Italian? Then I suppose I should give you points for youth and ESL.

However, this IS the internet after all and you may just be full of it.

The rooms are too short and you're another one who falls victim to thinking that out-of-context randomness is really funny. You see, in the right situation, I might find it highly amusing that I can't brush my teeth because I'm wearing boxer shorts (well, actually, I wouldn't be caught dead in boxer shorts). However, simply filling space with something silly like this and then making it the End of the story for no apparent reason just irritates me.

Try to work on coherence and grammar.

I am giving this a six partially because your grammar is not horrible and the story actually started out sort of funny. It made me chortle to imagine my mom smoking a pig to get high. In reality, she sticks to the hash.

The idea of the "crappy story" isn't original, and I think it's problematic anyway. If the crap is too skillful, then it's a good story. However, since you set out to annoy, then you certainly accomplished this by quickly letting your story digress into unfunny randomness and the kind of obnoxious self-indulgent one-liner rooms that raise my blood pressure.

However, in an effort to send the ball of annoyance back into your court, I am not giving this story a horrible rating.

This is one of those situations where I wish I could give a half-point rating. I would like to give it a 9.5, taking off for some grammar mistakes. I also felt that the story meandered a little bit; it could have been a little tighter in terms of plot. I was happy to see big rooms with lots of action in them, but I would have appreciated even a bit more sensory description.

On the plus side, there are some very funny parts of this story and some vivid characters. Also, the plot is interesting and I'm always a fan of the anti-hero. I have decided to base this and future ratings on a relative scale for this site, so I give you a ten based on the fact that this is one of the five best stories I have read here.

And thanks for the heads-up on the carpet-munching witches. That means I need to not invite certain friends over for sleepovers anymore.

Wow, you are awesome at multiplying by 2! A great asset for any writer...

What...the...hell? I have to say this story motivated me to get my fine ass off my swivel chair in a big hurry. This is a waste of space.

The only reason this didn't get a one is because not ALL of the grammar was atrocious.

This story is just so...disjointed. Even the "sexy" parts are just...didactic. Where is the connection in all of this? The character development? Does it have a point? Even if you're going to take a walk on the weird side, there needs to be some little kernel of SOMETHING to hold my interest. Reading this story, I had the impression that you had ripped up a few different stories into shreds and then pasted them back together at random. Also, your grammar and spelling need some work.

Oh my! This story makes me think back on my teen years as a golden era of peace and tranquility. So thanks, End, for helping us all heal our old (or not so old) wounds through your, um, SHOCK THERAPY.

Luckily for me, this was one of the first stories I discovered on this site. It actually made me willing to sift through the two-tons-of-crap stories in search of another tale like Paco Valdez.

From the very first sentence, the narrative was incredibly absorbing. You really brought the scenes to life. My memory of the story is so visual, it's almost as if I'd seen it as a film.

This is a really unique accomplishment, and anyone who rates this story below an 8 should be ashamed of themselves. Or show us the Pulitzer they won.

Really sharp and well-written, not to mention the ever-humorous Sarge. He reminded me a lot of the guy from Fullmetal Jacket...

For some reason, the story didn't quite hold my attention as much as it could have. Perhaps some more narrative "padding" would be helpful.

Great job, though!

I think this story deserves a little more credit, if nothing else than for the fact that so many people have contributed (for better or worse...).

I've spent a lot of time just reading the many stories on this site. This one had a unique ability to hold my interest. I think the premise is very interesting, and I'm actually relieved that the protagonist doesn't feel any inclination to become a self-righteous twat.

There are enough superheroes in the world already.

This story almost felt like the written version of Grand Theft Auto, but smarter. And not as many hookers.

This story is bad for my asthma
I can't breathe, I can't.....
Gurgle gaaaaasp gurgle gurgle

*Dies laughing*