NCPolice55571

great story really like the levels of depression, I originally gave it a nine but since you have an awesome contributor I'll give it a TEN

This is a great story with really good content and story description that doesnt leave the reader wondering what the story is about. Yeeehaw!!

Will I go to hell if I give it a ten? I'll probably go to hell for reading it and choosing to have sex with Mary. Anyway have we left any one out to offend with this story? As you had once rated one of my stories "Tisk tisk, Homerpython, I expected better from you. Stick to what you're good at, this story is just plain stupid."

Pretty good story the grabs the readers attention leaving them to wonder what or who had been hit and as the story progresses the tension builds when you find your friend at home in bed, look foward to reading more!!

I'd give it a ten, but I think a 9 encourages to write more anyway, this is great writing, as a reader I can visualise what is happening in the story by the descriptive detail you didn't leave out. Great story overall. Truelly one of the best in it's own originality. It's definitly a story the captures and captivates the readers attention.

Have you though about writing either a short story or even a novella to test what your really capable of doing. You dont even have to have a goal of getting published but just to see what you can do I think would help develope your writing greater than what it all ready is.

I look foward to reading future stories you put out. Please keep them coming.
PS. sorry the review came a lil later after you messaged me.

ahhh what the heck, Ive decided to give it a ten anyways because it is deserved.

Very good idea for a mystery story, I'm still in the process of figuring it out. But for a first time Mystery/Crime story it was a real fun read and enjoyed reading it. I still cant believe how much better you have gotten. Would have given you a 10 but I dont want you to stop writing and challenging yourself to write better stories. so I'll give you a 9.99

"Her blonde hair cascades off her head to the floor like water on rock." All I can say is Excellent! I cant believe after comparing this to your very first story what a difference all I can say is Wow, I'm stunned. Major, major, improvements. Simply an example of your best writing! Please dont stop, cant wait to read more. A well deserved 10! To bad the rating doesnt go higher.

Simply one of the best stories on the sight. Great storyline! You capture the readers attention and draw them into the storyline, you had me wanting to read more and find out who "they" are. Can't wait to read more stories written by you.

Great orginal idea for a storyline. definitly a fun read can't wait for the next chapter.

Really good concept for a story with using items obtained throughout the story and health points but all the directions as choices gets confussing to read and it's hard to find what the plot of the story is about. Otherwise it's a great concept with a great title.

I give this a good rating because I think it's one of your best. I just read some of your others and then read this one which clearly shows good writing. The dialogue is great and so is the story line that has really good content on most of the pages. I look foward to reading more. Bravo!

I like the storyline but was a bit disappointed when there had not been much involvement of the purple bear. It was funny but would have been more funny with the bear involved in more of the pages. I would have liked more of a winning ending than seeing what the bear does to my sister as I'm up in the tree. Had a great sense of humor throughout the story tho.

Good story line with good story description can't wait to see what happens when all hell breaks loose.

A great story! You have a great idea going here with the Pick your Poison line of stories. It's a great read and the choices peice the story together really good.

four words a page, so I gave it a four, a lil bit of a suggestion that may help, a little more detail may attreact more readers.

Whoa what this was about I'll never know.

It's a fun read there are a lot worse, one suggestion I would give is try adding a little more detail into the story. Such as finding out the jewel is lucky you can go on to say what type of luck it brings to the reader and that's a story in itself right there, but keep on writing look foward to reading more.

It's a simple story with a simple storyline. I'd like to have read more of a lead into the attack. Right after the 1st page your thrown into sudden war. don't know what led up to the war I just found myself fighting in it. A little more detail would help.

Clever story, I would try and and possibly break up that first page into paragraphs so it is easier to read and follow, but other wise pretty good read.

Very creative, realy a fun story to read especialy if dragons are your taste. It was a fun read I hope to see continuation with the story. A small suggestion I would give is when writing Dialogue I would try and seperate who talking rather than putting everything in one paragraph. It would help to not mix up who is saying what. But otherwise cant wait to read more.

Not bad for your first story. However as a few suggestions. Sometimes using to many choices will leave the reader running into a bunch of empty rooms. So possibly limiting the choices down to 2-3 unless all 5 are used. Posiibly also adding more description in your story. It takes a little ways to figure out where the storyline is going. But overall for a first story it was fun to read.

Great story. Has some good content in each page. The story also has a lot of good description that helps the story to flow rather than having one or two sentences per room.

After reading your post in the forum I expected a little more detail in the story as you had used in writing your forum post. I would have liked to have read a little more than 1-2 sentences per room. I look foward to seeing how the story developes it sounded like you had a good story idea.

Great story, great pics used. The story is one of the best I've read.

Ha ha this dumbass got banned!

Cool story it flows really good and humourous at times, liked the riddle part hope to see a continuation from there.

fun story could have used some more detail in the story I tried to add some rooms.

Great story, like the descriptive storyline which some writers tend to leave out. really like the creepiness of the doll. Look foward to reading more and possibly adding a couple of pages which I only do to storys I like. Definitly worth the read. Only suggestion I would add is maybe some pictures that match the story line to further capture the reader into the story.

Ok story, I would have liked to had more than one line per page to read.

A fun story about my favorite holiday. Hope the story continues on.

It was great! I had a really good laugh. It's also great that you used pics. But the story was funny as hell. I only wish at the time I read it, it would be open to add rooms. But look foward to reading any add ons to the story or any other stories you write. And if you ever want to get together to write a story give me a yell I'm always looking for someone with your writing style to write with. This story is awesome. A well deserved 10!

Fun simple read into the life of a kid who is going through detention. A good amount of pages to read through, although I would have liked to read a little more detail into the story, but otherwise it's a fun simple read.

A cool story with different fun storylines that allow the reader to continue adding rooms from different points of the story.

Outstanding! Simply one of the best that are out there. Storyline dialogue and scene description is great. I can visualise everything that is happening and this story will emerse the reader capturing their full attention. It's a great read.

It's a good concept for a story. I've always liked the memory loss stories so I gave it a 9 to hopefully inspire to go further with the storyline. I'm looking foward to reading more. I'll even try and throw in a couple of rooms.

Why put out a story that has no content and also one that has already been made. {Another Monday Morning} Ughhhh!!!!!

It sucks we can't have post negative ratings or else i would. All I could say is you need to seek mental help...FAST! What is it with you and rape?

fun original idea for a story, can't wait to read more.I'll give it a 9 for being fun and original.

The dialogue is good but I never got into the attic, sometimes using to many choices in a story causes the reader to get fustrated in trying to find the right choice to accopmplish the objective of getting in the attic. A little more detail of why we want in the attic would also be great.

Cool story look foward to additions, great use of pics.

It's a fun medival story.

....make it stop....make it stop please! For the love of God make it stop......Aghhh!!!!

It's a fun story thats has a different type of dialogue style which makes it fun.

Not bad but what would real Rice this story up is some pics of these rice burning cars.

It's a fast paced story with easy choices what i would like to have read is a more description in the story rather than two or three lines. look foward to reading more.

really like the idea of the story, hope you keep on with it, the images help to really set it up. The begining of the story was the best part the image you get while reading it was great and help set the mood for the story.

A helpful comment that i would give would be not to apologize for writing alot in the first page and to break up the paragraph into a couple of paragraphs so it wont seem too long and help the story flow.

And mostly I would to have liked to read the great descriptive detail carried from the first page over to the other pages. You can see you have the ability to write a scary story but after the first page you kinda let the reader down from the great detail that was given in the first page.
Overall it was great.(loved the pics)

It's a fun original story from the view of a cock roach.

Since it actually isn't mine it is fair that I rate it. This is a classic piece that defines this site. You have the good, the bad and the ugly and put all together you have one incredible masterpiece work of art. You have a sample of everyone from this site and is a great place to stick your foot into the wtaer before jumping in the pool and going swimming. So to all those who contribute this ten belongs to you.

A real fun story. Especially being able to dress as a woman and then getting whistled at. I broke out laughing. It's even better to add on to because it's a real fun story.

It's a fun story. The dialogue was writen really good and it helped to make the story flow more easily. I liked how rolling a die in some situations made a situation occur rather being by random choice. Can't wait to read further more.
~NCPolice55571

There was a few funny spots here and there, good premise you had but it is lacking story and detail to grab the readers attention and keep them interested into the story. I would suggest carring out the storyline a little farther rather than just killing off the reader after 1 choice.

So far the tour was okay, but for the price I had to pay to get in to Vixen Manor I am unable to rate the service yet. :)

Mecha, I know the story is in it's early stages but from what I havce read, this IS your best! Hence the 10. great job in detail description from what your stories were missing in the past. Great to see you improve over time. Nice story with some nice nice detail description keep it up. It makes it worth reading the story.
~NCPolice55571~