mizal

Fans of this may enjoy learning more of Semra's fate in Endmaster's newest story. https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-pure,-the-vile-and-the-deadly

What is the cure for such disorders?

Death is too good for your kind.

Better than most of the stories here, at least it's a cool concept that could make an interesting plot and not some weird shrinking fetish thing for once. It's pretty linear so far and cuts off right when things seem like they're about to happen, but I'd like to see this continued.

Yes yes, go ahead and complain that I'm rating my own story, but it's mostly written by ninjapitka at this point so now what, bitch?

REALLY strange but it's kind of refreshing to see an author doing something different here.

Should be read after Endmaster's other stories written by this date, for the full effect of the references.

Great story, glad we all agree. Group hug, everyone.

If you haven't read this one and Eternal, wtf are you even doing with your life?

If you like this you should read Rogues, which is sort of a sequel: http://chooseyourstory.com/Story/Rogues.aspx

Although Rogues is a half a million word epic, and I always appreciated the low key and grounded nature of Innkeeper.

Genuinely wholesome kids' story, unique among Endmaster's works.

This is still my favorite post apoc story of all time. If you read just one Endmaster story (before reading all of the others) make it this one.

I always liked this one better than even Necromancer, and that's saying a lot.

Just leaving Gower's analysis right here: http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/the-parlor-room/message/25689#833692

Not a lot to this. Most of the pages are just a sentence or two long.

Haven't read the whole thing yet, but just clicking ahead I can see an impressive amount of effort was put in. The genre of 'school friends having out' isn't always my cup of tea, but this is a sizeable story with a lot of choices and the actual writing quality is pretty decent. I'd like to see more like this.

I was half afraid this was going to be another weird fetishy thing, because I've come across an alarming number of those here. But it's a perfectly wholesome and straightforward retelling. My only complaint in fact is it's all a bit TOO straightforward, when one of the main advantages of a branching story format are having choices that change the story. This is all a bit railroaded, the author doesn't put up with you picking any other choice but what happened in the actual fairy tale...but it's at least pretty upfront about that so it you're reading you know what you're going to get.

This would be educational I suppose to people not familiar with the full version of the original fairytale. The 'right' choices don't really contain any original material, but the wrong ones usually have some humorous comments and are worth checking out. All in all not a waste of ten minutes, it was well done and I'm just happy enough any time I come across some random author with a good grasp of grammar and punctuation and the like.

Man, you really should've entered this.

I hope you don't regret backing out too hard, anyway. But I can only assume if you'd noticed everyone on both sides dying in the ditches left and right all around you as you rode to turn in your surrender, you might've held off on that.

It's really not so much "fanfic" as it is plagiarism...

What is it with the need to shove dicks in people's faces.

I still need to give this a full review over on CYS. It had its flaws, or at least I had a few issues with the dialogue in particular, but good God it's practically Shakespeare compared to most of the dreck that's accumulated on IS over the years.

Please just go live out your fantasies at the zoo or something and keep off the internet. thx

This story from 2015 with a single rating looks perfectly fine, but is obviously not the second highest rated story on the site, just helping correct an imbalance.

Also, they gave their own story the highest rating possible. That's just lame.

The first "choice" has five options, four of which will kill you. None of them are interesting. And every page is something like two sentences long.

The author seems to have a reasonable grasp on grammar at least and I'm sure they could do better than this.

Just giving this a quick comment because it's a perfectly good story and lol at those two faggots giving it a low rating, looking at all the other drivel on this site...

Nine people have rated this. Nine.

In five years.

Somehow I get the feeling Rogues is never getting copied over to this sad old graveyard, no matter how many fond memories you have of desecrating corpses here...

You've got a lot of pages here and I'm sure this took some time to put together, even if just in the sense of linking them all up, but I'm going to be honest, the 'lol so random' genre is really only funny to the author, most of the time. I see you've been busy here...there's a lot in your profile even if the fanfic stuff isn't too appealing to me, and the others I clicked through didn't have much substance. So I'm just curious, instead of cranking out all these quickly written games with two lines per page, have you ever considered sitting down and putting some serious effort into one longer, more detailed one? The amount of time spent here would probably average out about the same, and you'd have something much more impressive to show for it.

I'm not a huge fan of school based stories, mostly because they usually seem to be a whole lot of nothing happening. I wish I could say things were different in this situation, but there's so little here right now and most pages consist of less then ten words about choices like 'sit next to Carl or sit next to Sam'.

I'm guessing whoever wrote this may be pretty young, so I'd recommend rereading your favorite book and paying attention to things like the amount of detail and description used, the way the author introduces and establishes the characters and moves the plot along, and so on.

Not much to recommend this one.

I thought it looked promising with so many pages, but there was a lot of padding before the game even starts, and with most of what's left being things like
'so you gather 4 water bottles.your husband takes you to the shelter and you live.YOU SURVIVED' or some variation of 'you die' after just one or two clicks, or the author berating the player for clicking on a choice they offered (with lots of explanations points!!!!!!!!) it's not exactly riveting stuff.

Having poked around through the paths a little more, I've gone ahead and given it a higher rating. I still feel it moves way too rapidly, especially in the beginning when you usually want to establish a few details about the setting or the character to catch a reader's attention, but this may be more an issue of personal taste--I prefer a CYOA to read more like a story in a book, with the reader getting to direct it at key points. Still, spelling, grammar and all is fine and there are plenty of choices, so either way it succeeds more as a CYOA than many stories here and I hope you continue to add to it.

I got absolutely no explanation of who the character was, what was going on or why I should care, and then I was randomly run over by a truck.

This could really be fleshed out with more details, description, anything. I'm sure it was all very exciting in your head but we can't read your mind, all we have to go with is the imagery and action you actually write down, and every page was so short, there's almost nothing here.

This is pretty bad.

Animal perspective stories tend to be weak in the plot department, and this is no exception. Unfortunately it's also weak in the spelling, punctuation, and grammar department, and while it has quite a few 'pages', that doesn't count for much when they're each just a line or two long.

I'd recommend the author take time to get a better grasp on the basics of writing in English, and then when they're ready for a more serious attempt at a story, work on adding in more details and description, give their characters personality and depth and structure the whole thing around a more involving plot.

Excellent story, one of the best I've seen here in awhile. There's only about twenty pages but there are real choices and a good amount of content here, so I really hope you finish it.

Just a couple of small things I wanted to point out, I'm pretty sure women weren't automatically killed, if they were healthy, though you're right that the elderly and the children were. (http://www.yadvashem.org/yv/en/education/ceremonies/women_auschwitz.asp was a page I found with some quick googling about women's experiences there, and I'm sure there's a lot more if you were to do a more thorough search.) I'm also not sure it would've been so easy to find a conveniently located hole in the fence that the guards had somehow not noticed, but all in all I can tell you did some research here and I appreciate that. I've seen so many 'historical' stories that are completely half assed, and obviously with a subject like this you want to see it treated respectfully.

Well I was wondering how one of your stories only had one star.

This starts off really well, I wish you'd go back and work on it some more sometime. Though to be fair, even the shitty, rushed parts are still on par with many stories I've seen here.

The first page:
***************
You wake up to your king calling out to you
"Dan rally up your men we are going to be attacked soon"
"Ok"
*************

Er...gripping drama and adventure this is not. And it just goes on like this. I'm sure the author has a very cool, epic story going on in their head, but they're not bothering to communicate it at all. Slow down a little, add some detail and for the love of God do some proofreading.

Started off very promising, even if a little cliche with the whole chosen one, century old bloodline thing. (Uh..by the way, a 'century' isn't very long at all for a bloodline, that basically means it's just you, your mom and one of your grandparents....) The ending I got kind of killed it for me though, there's all this magical stuff and adventure being hinted at and then your sister just randomly pushes you over during an argument and you go into a coma the rest of your life? Surely there was a less pointless and anticlimatic way to end that branch.

Not a lot of content here, and what there is has so many typos, punctuation errors and misspellings. Lots of issues in the first page alone. Most pages are just a couple of lines, and the first is just a big fat paragraph that could really stand to be broken up for the dialogue and such. The story itself may have potential, though it's hard to say until some more plot elements or more about the characters are worked in, it's all pretty bland at the moment.

I think it says something about the state of the internet that from what I've read so far, I can't tell whether this is satire or 100% sincere.

The spelling is atrocious and the main character is ridiculous and very, very punchable but that's...intentional? I hope?

This is kind of cute and a promising start, but that's all it is: a start. I'd really have liked to seen a little more here in the area of a plot taking shape. The MA rating was an odd choice, tonally this has been more of a fun little kid's story so far, it'd be jarring to see a sudden switch to extremely graphic content.

(Revising my previous joke review because I felt bad that the only other comment was from some unfunny jackass who joined the site just to tell you he didn't read it.)

Anyway, this is an entertaining story and people SHOULD read it, even unfunny jackasses. I can see why you won. My only complaint is that it's unfinished...tried to play it serious and do the Moses thing and hit a bunch of dead ends, so for now, until others are available I just have to call the ending involving Bessie's supple haunches my favorite, it made me 'LOL', as the kids like to say on their frightening and confusing handheld communication devices.

I like how everyone let you win the contest, but didn't bother to rate your story on the actual site. Where are all your so-called friends NOW, BatCuntery? Now that you need stars they have completely abandoned you.

anyway pretty okay story. Sort of. I guess.

Pooky, I am genuinely curious, what, in your opinion, makes this the BEST. STORY. EVER.? Please do elaborate...you must feel very strongly about this fact since it is your own story which I am sure is very near and dear to your heart. In fact you must feel DOUBLE strongly about it since you rated yourself twice. I read it and I feel I am just missing something though. Please elaborate, please....help me to understand. I want to be awed and moved to tears of pure joy by lines like 'As inquisitively as you can, you try your best to make a stoplight with a caterpillar eating a hot dog.' as well.

Also, say hi to all your friends during for me during your next circlejerk! :)

Riveting stuff.
Also you gave your own story five stars. Classy.

(Seriously though, the preference here is more for actual stories that go somewhere instead of just 'lol so random' things that kill you every other page. Proofread pages longer than one sentence would be nice too. It's cool if you're just checking out the site and learning how it works, but there's nothing saying you have to PUBLISH your test pages...because of course you'll be held to same standard of the completed stories on the site with more serious effort behind them)

Look, I love Minecraft as much as the next person, but you should seriously consider writing pages more than a sentence long. And do not fear the Shift key, it is a friend.

This came up as a random story and when I saw the rating I clicked on it on a whim just to see how hilariously terrible it was. Turns out the writing itself isn't half bad--sure you write about some really weird shit that most would find offensive in one way or another (including me) but that takes balls and I have to respect you for that. (That said, this doesn't really deserve a ten but just trying to counteract the other two votes, which IMO shouldn't even count if they couldn't even be bothered to leave comments explaining their ratings.)

It managed to hold my attention and I think there's a lot of potential here, but it's still pretty bare bones (no real detail at all in descriptions, and at the moment you eventually wind up at the same place no matter what you pick) and it's hard to rate it at this stage. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this if you do wind up expanding it though.

Weird, names aren't showing up. I'm mizal btw, that giant rambling comment below was from me.

Gave the story a read because I've thought about writing a zombie apocalypse story of my own a time or two, and I noticed all the hits yours was getting.

I think the idea has a lot of potential, but the problem is right now the writing itself is pretty barebones with basically no detail (though that might be excused by approaching this as a strategy game and not a traditional 'story'...) and what you do have doesn't really go anywhere...every path that doesn't end with you dying leaves you with the same idiot, dickish partners (they get pissy because you thought it'd be a better idea to not take the person who is screaming in pain and unable to walk out on a trip that requires lots of physical exertion and not being noticed? really?)

As for ideas, maybe more noticeably different play styles? Some depending on where you go--stay at home, go to a big refugee camp, hide out in the country etc., and others depending on who you do or don't hook up with?

Like, friends or family means a group with a closer bond that you can trust, but means you can't simply shoot someone who's infected like it's nothing, and it's hard to run for your life with granny tagging along. A random group of survivors might be less of a liability, but there may be infighting or they may rob or abandon you to save their own skin...and of course going full crazy hermit mode might be safer in some ways, but if you get injured or something you're screwed.

Anyway, enough rambling from me. (Oh, but just a note? You might get more responses to this if you link it from the first page of the actual story...the only way to stumble across it now is if someone just happens to check out your profile page.)