What Ho!
You realize that the rift between Cuddy and Fatty needs to be mended with that delicate Postletwaite touch. By disparaging the girl, you will stoke the dying embers of love in Fatty's breast, and thereby get him to take the bullet of marriage for you.
"Women!" snorts Fatty again, a bit stuck on the refrain, as it were.
"Oh, I say, absolutely old chum! Especially that duplicitous Cuddy."
"Eh? Why'd you agree to marry her then, you back stabbing oaf?"
"Oh, only out of sense of duty. Really, this sort of thing happens all the time. Code of the Postletwaites and all."
Fatty gives you a suspicious look "Petey, you're an odd bird. You DON'T want to marry Cuddy?"
"Oh, no, no, not at all. Why, she goes to bed every night sobbing your name. I'm really Brand X, but since she figures that she's lost you, she's resigned to yours truly."
"Every night? But you've only been engaged since yesterday"
"Oh, it was a figure of speech, what" you say airily. Back to your theme, you continue. "Lord alone knows why you would want that undernourished shrimp as a mate, of course. No meat on her, and she talks through her nose."
"She's American! They all talk like that."
"I know, and most of them are criminals too. Lord knows, some evening you would have been sitting about the fire, scratching the dog when she would trundle in with a corpse or two asking you if you had a steamer trunk that she could hide it in for a bit. No doubt the two of you would end up spending your Golden Days in what they call the 'Big House'"
"She's not a criminal! She's a charitable volunteer!"
"And that's any better?"
"I see your point, and she does get up dashedly early. At least gangsters sleep in, or so I'm told."
You decide you've overdone it. Best to back off a bit "Ah, yes, fortunately for me I have discovered that she has no post-marital plans for charity."
"First I've heard"
"Well, of course, she didn't want to wound you. She knew how set you were on that orphanage."
"Me? Set? I hope all the wretched squeakers starve."
This is a bit unworthy of Fatty, who normally is quite sympathetic to those who miss lunch, but then again he is a bit upset. You keep hammering at the nail.
"That's what Cuddy says. 'Oh, Fatty (actually she may have said Charles, now that I think of it) always loved soup kitchens so. I hope he won't be too upset when come the wedding I give it all a miss and start filling my time taking cooking lessons."
"WINIFRED said that?" he looks dubious.
"Short, scrawny, red-haired? The same," you say triumphantly.
"She's NOT scrawny! So if I can get her to love me again, you will back off your prior claim?"
"Oh, like a shot!" Fatty looks at you queerly "That is to say, with extreme regret, but only in consideration of my deep friendship for you both and my hopes for your eternal happiness." You are about to go on more, but it seems to have taken effect, so you put a sock in it.
"Oh really?" Fatty has an unsettling scheming look to him. "Well, as it happens, I have a cunning plan...."
Uh-oh.
"Women!" snorts Fatty again, a bit stuck on the refrain, as it were.
"Oh, I say, absolutely old chum! Especially that duplicitous Cuddy."
"Eh? Why'd you agree to marry her then, you back stabbing oaf?"
"Oh, only out of sense of duty. Really, this sort of thing happens all the time. Code of the Postletwaites and all."
Fatty gives you a suspicious look "Petey, you're an odd bird. You DON'T want to marry Cuddy?"
"Oh, no, no, not at all. Why, she goes to bed every night sobbing your name. I'm really Brand X, but since she figures that she's lost you, she's resigned to yours truly."
"Every night? But you've only been engaged since yesterday"
"Oh, it was a figure of speech, what" you say airily. Back to your theme, you continue. "Lord alone knows why you would want that undernourished shrimp as a mate, of course. No meat on her, and she talks through her nose."
"She's American! They all talk like that."
"I know, and most of them are criminals too. Lord knows, some evening you would have been sitting about the fire, scratching the dog when she would trundle in with a corpse or two asking you if you had a steamer trunk that she could hide it in for a bit. No doubt the two of you would end up spending your Golden Days in what they call the 'Big House'"
"She's not a criminal! She's a charitable volunteer!"
"And that's any better?"
"I see your point, and she does get up dashedly early. At least gangsters sleep in, or so I'm told."
You decide you've overdone it. Best to back off a bit "Ah, yes, fortunately for me I have discovered that she has no post-marital plans for charity."
"First I've heard"
"Well, of course, she didn't want to wound you. She knew how set you were on that orphanage."
"Me? Set? I hope all the wretched squeakers starve."
This is a bit unworthy of Fatty, who normally is quite sympathetic to those who miss lunch, but then again he is a bit upset. You keep hammering at the nail.
"That's what Cuddy says. 'Oh, Fatty (actually she may have said Charles, now that I think of it) always loved soup kitchens so. I hope he won't be too upset when come the wedding I give it all a miss and start filling my time taking cooking lessons."
"WINIFRED said that?" he looks dubious.
"Short, scrawny, red-haired? The same," you say triumphantly.
"She's NOT scrawny! So if I can get her to love me again, you will back off your prior claim?"
"Oh, like a shot!" Fatty looks at you queerly "That is to say, with extreme regret, but only in consideration of my deep friendship for you both and my hopes for your eternal happiness." You are about to go on more, but it seems to have taken effect, so you put a sock in it.
"Oh really?" Fatty has an unsettling scheming look to him. "Well, as it happens, I have a cunning plan...."
Uh-oh.