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Snowfall
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░Y░o░u░ ░o░p░e░n░ ░y░o░u░r░ ░f░r░i░d░g░e. It hums and the light flickers for a moment when you reach in to grab the milk. You twist the crusty blue cap off and an odor reaches out of the jug at you. You check the side of the bottle. The milk expired four days ago and you don't have any more. This discourages you a little. Your brain is tired and upset from the rocky few days you've had. "Now what?" you think to yourself. Your head begins throbbing lightly and your mind whirs while trying to think of something easy for you to eat that you won't beat yourself up about. Ramen is simple and quick and you feel capable of boiling some water or throwing it in the microwave but you had a package last night and it made you feel gross and stuffed full of sodium. You really don't have it in you to feel physically shitty right now and even if you were willing to sit around feeling bloated and disgusting, you would just put yourself down for not eating something healthier.
You could have toast or maybe a peanut butter sandwich but you don't think of that because your brain is distressed and your hunger is distracting, too many things bouncing off the sides of your brain. There's nothing in the freezer except for a single uncooked pork chop and you vowed to save the yogurt that's in the fridge for when you need to take a lunch to school. There are no easy snacks because you feel too guilty spending the little money you have left every month after paying rent on chips or crackers. Your cupboards only have the same cheap noodles, rice, and canned corn, potatoes, or beans that you eat every day. Usually, there is some cereal in there but that -- as you have painfully discovered -- isn't an option right now.
Thinking about all of this tires you out too much. Your stomach gnaws at you but you feel too overwhelmed to make anything now. You want to give up and just lay on the couch or curl up under the blankets in your bed where you feel safe from overstimulation. Even if you thought of something viable that isn't hard to cook up quick, your motivation to do so is gone. You don't eat lunch today.
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An hour goes by. You decided to sit on the couch for a bit to try and calm down. Your stomach stopped growling at you and feels empty and numb. You decide you have to get up and do something, anything at all that isn't sitting catatonic on your ratty, lint filed couch. Homework crosses you mind. You have a lot of it tonight -- two pages of a paper about your life, 1000 words about a scientific journal you never found the will to read because it was 15 mind-numbing pages, 21 pages to read from a novel, and the finishing three pages on an analysis of power dynamics. Just thinking about it is overwhelming. You don't know how to ease into something that makes you feel completely at a loss for motivation. ??? ??? ? ??? ???? ???? ????? you think. You wonder if you've been procrastinating too much but there is no easy answer to the question because you haven't had a choice in the matter recently.
??? ?? ? ??? ??????? ?????
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░Y░o░u░ ░o░p░e░n░ ░y░o░u░r░ ░f░r░i░d░g░e. It hums and the light flickers for a moment when you reach in to grab the milk. You twist the crusty blue cap off and an odor reaches out of the jug at you. You check the side of the bottle. The milk expired four days ago and you don't have any more. This discourages you a little. Your brain is tired and upset from the rocky few days you've had. "Now what?" you think to yourself. Your head begins throbbing lightly and your mind whirs while trying to think of something easy for you to eat that you won't beat yourself up about. Ramen is simple and quick and you feel capable of boiling some water or throwing it in the microwave but you had a package last night and it made you feel gross and stuffed full of sodium. You really don't have it in you to feel physically shitty right now and even if you were willing to sit around feeling bloated and disgusting, you would just put yourself down for not eating something healthier.
You could have toast or maybe a peanut butter sandwich but you don't think of that because your brain is distressed and your hunger is distracting, too many things bouncing off the sides of your brain. There's nothing in the freezer except for a single uncooked pork chop and you vowed to save the yogurt that's in the fridge for when you need to take a lunch to school. There are no easy snacks because you feel too guilty spending the little money you have left every month after paying rent on chips or crackers. Your cupboards only have the same cheap noodles, rice, and canned corn, potatoes, or beans that you eat every day. Usually, there is some cereal in there but that -- as you have painfully discovered -- isn't an option right now.
Thinking about all of this tires you out too much. Your stomach gnaws at you but you feel too overwhelmed to make anything now. You want to give up and just lay on the couch or curl up under the blankets in your bed where you feel safe from overstimulation. Even if you thought of something viable that isn't hard to cook up quick, your motivation to do so is gone. You don't eat lunch today.
____________________________
An hour goes by. You decided to sit on the couch for a bit to try and calm down. Your stomach stopped growling at you and feels empty and numb. You decide you have to get up and do something, anything at all that isn't sitting catatonic on your ratty, lint filed couch. Homework crosses you mind. You have a lot of it tonight -- two pages of a paper about your life, 1000 words about a scientific journal you never found the will to read because it was 15 mind-numbing pages, 21 pages to read from a novel, and the finishing three pages on an analysis of power dynamics. Just thinking about it is overwhelming. You don't know how to ease into something that makes you feel completely at a loss for motivation. ??? ??? ? ??? ???? ???? ????? you think. You wonder if you've been procrastinating too much but there is no easy answer to the question because you haven't had a choice in the matter recently.
??? ?? ? ??? ??????? ?????