Gurl PowR!
The hippies, who barely seem to notice you anymore, start walking down a narrow wooded path toward the lake. You only had to rough it like this once before in your life, when your parents brought you to a bird sanctuary. But what's so great about birds? They're noisy and they crap on cars and there aren't any in the city anyway except for those hideous pigeons. You sigh deeply. You hear a funeral march in your head as you follow along silently at the back of the pack.
Then it happens. As though God himself wanted to punish you, your foot lands directly on top of an anthill. You look down for a moment, at your sparkly platform sandal and those perfectly manicured toenails with sky-blue polish and a swarming horde of angry ants! They're on your feet. They're on your legs!
Oh.
My.
Fucking.
God.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" Your scream is heard around the world.
Oh my god. Oh my god! There are bugs. Thousands and billions of bugs! All over you! Running up your legs! Stinging your feet! Oh my god! They're all black. They're all over you. The terror! The terror! You repeat,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" Ripping open your bag, you grab the bug spray, spraying a shower of the toxic stuff all over your feet. But they're on your legs too. On your legs! You spray your legs desperately, but those bitch ants are faster! They're on your body! Your body! You spray your hips, you spray your waist, you spray your tits. Oh my god! Oh my fucking god! Is there a bug crawling in your ear! There is! Suddenly you can't hear because your ear is full of bug spray. Oh shit! Oh shit! There's one on your face! Spray! Spray it away! Owwwwwww!! Your eyes! Your motherfucking eyes! It burns! Oh fuck it burns! You repeat,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" You can't see! You're blind! Help! Oh please God, have mercy! Is there even a god?
"Crikey, girlie," you hear Lily say, from seemingly far away. "Hold on to me. I'll take you to the lake."
Crying hysterically, you let Lily guide you quickly down the trail. Running, slipping, tripping, somehow you make it to the water's edge, and you throw yourself headlong into the lake.
Ahhh, instant relief. The water may be chartreuse and briny, but you smile as you think of all the evil little buggies, drowning one by one. The ants go drowning in the pond. Hurrah! Hurrah! The ants go drowning one by one, the little one stops to suck his
Whoa there! What the hell are you thinking? Did the smoke in that car get to you or something? Or was it the bug juice you sprayed directly up your nose? Aunt Flo?
You look with dread as the other hippies make their way towards you. You are now theirs for the kill. You, a princess! You almost die of shock when Vida, of all people, calls out to you,
"Hey, are you all right? That was pretty intense!"
"Gnarly, dude. Just gnarly!" shouts Laz with a grin, taking his shirt off and charging full speed at the water. His upper body isn't too bad looking. For a hippie, anyway.
Just as your pounding heart is beginning to slow down to mere racehorse speed, you feel a heavy drop go plop on your head. Then another. And another. In a matter of seconds, it is pouring rain.
"Rain!" squeals Erin with delight. "Let's all appreciate the rain!"
Joining hands in a circle, the hippies stare up ecstatically at the sky while making a gentle "ooooommmmm" sound. Wow. That's, like , really bizarre-o.
Have you snapped yet, sweetie?
Then it happens. As though God himself wanted to punish you, your foot lands directly on top of an anthill. You look down for a moment, at your sparkly platform sandal and those perfectly manicured toenails with sky-blue polish and a swarming horde of angry ants! They're on your feet. They're on your legs!
Oh.
My.
Fucking.
God.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" Your scream is heard around the world.
Oh my god. Oh my god! There are bugs. Thousands and billions of bugs! All over you! Running up your legs! Stinging your feet! Oh my god! They're all black. They're all over you. The terror! The terror! You repeat,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" Ripping open your bag, you grab the bug spray, spraying a shower of the toxic stuff all over your feet. But they're on your legs too. On your legs! You spray your legs desperately, but those bitch ants are faster! They're on your body! Your body! You spray your hips, you spray your waist, you spray your tits. Oh my god! Oh my fucking god! Is there a bug crawling in your ear! There is! Suddenly you can't hear because your ear is full of bug spray. Oh shit! Oh shit! There's one on your face! Spray! Spray it away! Owwwwwww!! Your eyes! Your motherfucking eyes! It burns! Oh fuck it burns! You repeat,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!" You can't see! You're blind! Help! Oh please God, have mercy! Is there even a god?
"Crikey, girlie," you hear Lily say, from seemingly far away. "Hold on to me. I'll take you to the lake."
Crying hysterically, you let Lily guide you quickly down the trail. Running, slipping, tripping, somehow you make it to the water's edge, and you throw yourself headlong into the lake.
Ahhh, instant relief. The water may be chartreuse and briny, but you smile as you think of all the evil little buggies, drowning one by one. The ants go drowning in the pond. Hurrah! Hurrah! The ants go drowning one by one, the little one stops to suck his
Whoa there! What the hell are you thinking? Did the smoke in that car get to you or something? Or was it the bug juice you sprayed directly up your nose? Aunt Flo?
You look with dread as the other hippies make their way towards you. You are now theirs for the kill. You, a princess! You almost die of shock when Vida, of all people, calls out to you,
"Hey, are you all right? That was pretty intense!"
"Gnarly, dude. Just gnarly!" shouts Laz with a grin, taking his shirt off and charging full speed at the water. His upper body isn't too bad looking. For a hippie, anyway.
Just as your pounding heart is beginning to slow down to mere racehorse speed, you feel a heavy drop go plop on your head. Then another. And another. In a matter of seconds, it is pouring rain.
"Rain!" squeals Erin with delight. "Let's all appreciate the rain!"
Joining hands in a circle, the hippies stare up ecstatically at the sky while making a gentle "ooooommmmm" sound. Wow. That's, like , really bizarre-o.
Have you snapped yet, sweetie?