Usoki

The character's motivation for entering the GM's layer is very weak, and very stretched. "Hmm, I want a refund, so I think I'll break into this scary building. That will end well." Of course, this initial reason is quickly forgotten, and the story goes from a quirky business tycoon loner to a creepy transform-ray robot as its antagonist.

And, what's with all of the girl transforamtions? They get kinda old, seeing as how they happen so. freaking. often. Oh, and one last thing- between the way 'Jessica' gets sexually abused, and the entire scar-mouthed cannibalism string...this is not a PG story.

All in all, not bad- certainly nothing spectacular in my opinion, but a VERY good start and definitely not a piece 'o like most of the stuff plaguing this site. Clean up your grammar, and I will expect wondrous things from you.

I'm gonna have to go with DEP on this- the question order is entirely random. I knew the medusa question, the displacer beast question, the mind flayer question... But, with the exception of the first few...it was really just a crap-shoot. It's not a question of knowing your monsters- it's a question of knowing the monsters Apoth knows. I know my Yuan-Ti. I've faced them a fair bit. Don't know my oozes. Never faced a lamia. And that's...bad?

That, and it's really hard to have a fair quiz when the back button is right there. Given your craze for insane projects, I was expecting an "Escape Artist" sort of multiroom system to calculate my score without telling me which ones I'd missed.

"You feel nothing" does get pretty old pretty fast, theme or no. And the branch balance between a normal day at school and the spree is...odd. I thought it was all but linear until I decided to stay in bed on a whim.

Solid, but nothing spectacular.

Well...considering your other works, this isn't bad at all. The thing is- nothing is explained. I don't know who Holly is, what Rimmer is, or what skutters are. Heck, "Wind up Rimmer" appears five or six different times, but only once does it continue the story. Of course, no path continues for more than three rooms, which is even more annoying.

If this is a tribute to some show, I must be out of the loop. Because I don't know what's going on, and nothing is explained. It's terrible.

Ahh, this makes my day...err, night. A nice bit of random, light-hearted insultiveness.

The sheer number of perfect ratings is astonishing. Part of me wants to ruin that just for the hell of it, but I'd have to be a total ass and pick a freakishly low number just to make a dent. "Surely," I thought, "I could at least find enough flaws to give it a nine."

And then I noticed that the story's outcome determined the moment you side between Big Red or the professor, and I was impressed. It flows very well, and doesn't ever seem to stall. It's a bit dialogue heavy in parts...but I get impatient after awhile...and, really, who am I to bicker about excessive verbose-ness? The dialogue and descriptions were either necessary for the visual imagery, or important to the plot or humor. It's long, but I can't really think of anything I could label as 'filler'.

The only thing I could possibly whine about is the freakish amount of power that the main characters have, that no one else does. Surely, someone out there would have been just as adept as at nature magic as the protagonist is at necromancy? Surely, the demons couldn't've taken over kingdoms that quickly? Surely, good could've put up more of a fight than just the sister? It all seems excessive. None of the lesser characters are nearly as powerful as the main ones. It's a ridiculous variation of God-modding.

But, really, who cares?

I'm sorry, but this is horrible. If you're trying to mimic Zelda perfectly, you've failed miserably. (The layout of everything, the little kid's name is Milo, and the fairy's name is actually Navi, Saria is absent for some odd reason...)

But if you're trying to put a clever twist on The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time (The subtitle makes all the difference), you still fail. Your descriptions are seldom more than a sentence long, especially toward the end of the current piece. And if you haven't noticed yet, trying to transfer a complex game with it's own battle system into CYOA format doesn't work well. There's just too many variables involved.

It's a valient effort, but one that is doomed to failure.

Let me make this clear- I'd only give this piece somewhere around a seven. However, it definitely didn't deserve a one, so that guy must be a complete and total asshole. I'm trying to balance you out here.

There's not much description. Having pictures is no excuse- not to mention the rooms which compose of a few sentences to say "nothing's here".

It also takes a lot of effort to be able to keep track of multiple similar rooms instead of having variables, and in my opinion, stupid. The amount of work you have to put into this isn't really worth it. Still, you've done a nice job with it.

Errr...okay, what was the point of this? You do an excellent job with character developement, I suppose, though I'm sorta confused as to why you even bothered. Unless you're planning to use those characters a lot, it seems pointless. There's nothing wrong with knowing only minimal information about minor characters.

I can tell this story is in its beginning stages, as half of the available story is only explanation for whatever reason. It really should be condensed, as it's hard to pay attention to all of it. I barely remembered half of their names as it is.

It's an...interesting plot, and I hope you develope it further. Though I'm confused that you explained the two different type of plants beforehand instead of letting them find out on their own through the course of the story.

The main issue I have with this work is its lack of detail. This piece has been horridly expanded. You might want to re-examine the definition of a 'paragraph'. I can't help but notice you've placed two carriage spaces after almost every sentence you write. I was quickly irritated by the amount of times I was having to progress rooms. It gives the work a feel of having been rushed together.

The above paragraph is my main complaint. The word choice seems to be very stale, and almost all of your sentences seem to have the same structure of "Name > linking phrase > noun phrase with fact". However, it's hard to complain about that fact when the sentences are spread so far apart.

This story just lacks detail. Your grammar appears to be fine, and you obviously have a plot in mind. There's just nothing here yet.

Let's be realistic here. You have a fairly decent style, and all of your rooms are of an adequate length...even your grammar seems to be okay.

So why this? Surely there's something else you could have written about that would've been better than this trash...

And why Hiei? He's an ass! Of all the male characters on the show, why him? It boggles the mind. If it were me, I'd even pick Kuwabara over Hiei. That's how much I hate that guy. Err...demon. Whatever.

The content is there, and though it's not at all what I'd normally rate high...I can't deny the skills that you've wasted on this story. I grudgingly rate it with a four.

Wow...this...

It...ummm...

Errrr....

....Yeah...

'Twas special. But for the most part, you're trying. I'm frightened to say I read all that you had written at the time I'm typing this. And, honestly, you did a good job with your linking. All of the 'eat batteries' options seamlessly linked into its death option, and beating up the neighbor transitioned back onto the couch rather well.

Still, this is a rather idiotic and random work, and not all that funny to me. Also, there are several places where you're typing so fast that the room has several rather ridiculous typos. And then there's some of the awkward phrasing that you didn't fix. "whom you killed both of"? The language you just slaughtered left behind orphan children who are, as we speak, planning their revenge on your ignorant soul.

All in all, better than I expected, but still not that great.

I'm the immature one, and yet you're the one blocking my PMs? That makes sense. If you were offended by that, you are insanely sensitive. Have you seen the language on the forums?

You (quite rudely) wrote me a note solely to inform me that I was wrong. Not an "Oh by the way" type of note, but a "Hey, moron, you're wrong!" And if that wasn't rude enough, you didn't check your sources well enough. I was, and still am, correct. You are correct too, but only by a technicality. His first name may be Bunsen, but everybody calls him Dr. Honeydew.

I like it! It's a bit linear, and it's sorta disappointing that none of your interactions with Sarge have a major impact on the storyline.

Still, it's well written, and though it's perhaps a bit stereotypical in the character choice, it's still fun to read.

And the killing spree plotline, though entirely pointless and seemingly spurred from nothing, was awesome.

I'm definitely amused. Lamb Chop forever!

This is actually pretty good! I'm not one for survival stories, but it's clear you've put some effort into this one. Some of the events seem a little stretched for a story as realistic as yours, but it's not over the top. And, although a few of your rooms don't have much detail, you consistantly have at least a paragraph per room, which is nice.

All in all, a well written piece.

It's better in the fact that you're forced to go through more rooms to find out whether or not you lose. But it's frustrating in that it's purely luck.

Also, I don't see why you couldn't have just tacked this story onto the success end of your first work, instead of making two stories like this.

This type of story really doesn't go well in CYOA format. When you have multiple choice, riddles are infinitely easier. You just pick what makes the most sense. And, if you get it wrong, you just click the back button and try again.

And shouldn't your mother and dog die along with Sarah when you hang up?

This is such an odd story, and yet, I like it. It's a testament to your writing skills that you can pull this plot off. The concept of a secret military organization kidnapping children to make them heroes seems so stupid out of context, but once suspension of belief comes into play while reading, it's a wonderful story.

As seen in Lost in a Good Book, you also have a very interesting approach to the CYOA style. Instead of having multiple branches leading to multiple plots which share only characters and setting, you put the reader at a set point, and allow them to choose how to get there. It's the same story no matter which file is focused upon, but it allows for multiple, but still different, re-reads.

The only gripe I had with this work was grammatical error. You have a tendency to leave out a comma, which needs to be placed to separate the two parts of a sentence. Mostly, this occurs in dialogue, though it does happen in some descriptions. It's a minor error, but it happens frequently. When you consider the high quality of the rest of the piece, I found the error to be quite glaring.

This work hasn't even moved past the introductionary stages, and I already love it.

Personally, I had hoped that no one would rate this story. That way, it's rating would stay at the appropriate level- zero.

This is the worst collection of random words I have ever seen. You might want to retake elementary school, by the way. You seem to have missed important concepts such as capital letters, periods, and how to use these items to compose a sentence.

There is no detail to your story. Something happens, and you either look closer, or go home. Nothing else happens in this story, with the rare exception of a few death rooms.

The worst part about this story is that you managed to write twenty rooms of this crap. Now everyone can see how well you can slaughter the English language. I died a little inside just by reading this. I'm going to fail my Calculus test because half of my brain cells commited seppuku.

In your own words- "not worth it The End"

You're bored, eh? Funny, I'm bored as well. What a coincidence.

It's got most of the things I've come to know and love from your writing. You've got excellent linking skills, with extra rooms so that a room's description won't have you entering a room you're already in when examining objects, or being able to loop the story with choices already taken.

It's got excellent technical skills. Knowing your ego, I'd say you'd commit Seppuku if any of your work had mild grammatical errors.

What it doesn't have is a plot. It's a well written dungeon-crawler fragment, but without any sort of plot, it's just that- a fragment.

I'm impressed. Most of the mini-stories are highly amusing. (Particularly Where's Waldo and HP) And the ones I didn't find as amusing were the ones to which I didn't know the allusion you were making. But even those were enjoyable enough that I had no desire to stop reading.

The frame story also comes across very well. You do a nice job of presenting it from a child's point of view. I'm not quite sure where you're heading with it, or how many more days you'll be adding before you end the story, but it's still impressive as is.

Well, I can tell that you're trying. Honestly, that's the depressing part. You should pay attention to appropriate comma use, as well as figure out the difference between the uses of the words "you're" and "your". That little bit would make a world of difference before we even get into the rest of the story. Remove some of your IM speak, like writing out the word 'one' instead of using the number, and your grammar will be pretty good.

My main issue is the lack of detail you present in each of your rooms. A few sentences shouldn't be all a reader gets before he must make another choice. That's the main problem, really. You go somewhere, then you see people, then you pick an activity with that person. It's very cookie cutter, and there's no interaction. This story has more in common with a list of commands than actual narrative.

This...is kinda pathetic. There's nothing here. If you were to take this story out of it's CYOA format, you wouldn't even fill up a page. It's a story about a party, and I didn't even get there until five rooms in, because you made up so many ways to get to it!

Your grammar's better than I thought it'd be...but the fact that most of your rooms are little more than a sentence is pathetic.

The 'Author's Notes' at the beginning were amusing, and fairly clever. However, I soon realized that they weren't a hint at the greatness to come: They were the only part of the work that could even remotely be called funny.

Here I am, awake at One o'clock in the morning as suggested in the story. It's not funny. There's not enough material here to be funny. You have a nice, random sense of humor, I think. I'm not sure, but a few one-choice room strings gave me hints that you do have that sort of humor. If you would expand each room beyond one or two sentences, this would be a lot better.

This is very good. Few grammatical errors, a well thought-out plot...

...Though I get the feeling you don't know where this story is going. I have no idea what the connection is between the painting and the dreamworld, other than the fact that the puppetmaster is *in* the dreamworld. In fact, if the puppetmaster was some sort of random villain, we could nix the painting from the plot entirely! When you compare the story's beginning with the 'first trial' and 'Ilecus' branches which you haven't finished yet, they're entirely different.

It's like you're making this up as you go. There's nothing wrong with doing it this way, but at some point you've got to fit your ideas into the existing story, instead of stretching the story for some random idea you had.

Well, you don't have any blaring grammatical errors, and the story actually has a plot. (It's sad that I can't take having a plot for granted, what with all the idiots that run amok around here.) It's a very intriguing plotline, though perhaps background information on the religions would have made it seem more real. It would also allow the reader to expect death when he disobeys an Aratic command.

That's the problem with this work, really. It doesn't seem real. The entire piece is a string of "you do this, you do that, you do this". Every now and then, a scarse detail presents itself, but for the most part, it's pathetic. The torture of Leon is only two sentences. You gain thirty followers in a scant paragraph. Yenbrow switches sides after a sentence. And, my favorite sentence, "You kill Gebassa." We don't even get details; a saint tells you to do it before he initiates you, so you do.

This story is only a frame for something that could be better.

Did you even put effort into this? Or is this just a written account of the first thing that came to mind?

It wasn't horrible, but its current rating is definetly way too high. I'm just counter-balancing this "story".

I didn't even make it past the first few rooms before I lost all faith in humanity.

I wouldn't even bother to rate this monstrousity you call a story, if it weren't for my fierce desire to see your pitiful score drop further.

I wouldn't even bother to rate this piece of crap, except for a fierce desire to see your pitiful score drop even lower.

While I can't say I like the direction that you took the story, I can say that you wrote it well. It's an interesting plot device, and you handled it well.

Still, most of the work is only about gazing into the eyes of random people. As far as actual plot goes, you've still got some work ahead of you on this one.

I don't know what's worse...the fact that lying and cheating is the only way to win...or that I instincively knew to cheat anyway...

Highly amusing, but it lacks details and plot. Still...that's the style you're using, so it's not annoying at all.

This is a perfect example of bad looping! ...Or something...

I cannot express how absolutely awesome this story is. The idea is awesome, the powers are balanced well, and the plot outline is definitely interesting.

The bizarre sudden-death endings are a little weird, but almost make sense if you consider there must be some sort of cosmic oddity balancing the ring's power. Or maybe that's just me. Still.

It all seems...short. Each room rambles for a bit, and then branches into the next path. Not only does it prevent story flow, it puts more pressure onto you. You've got a lot of 'choices' to fill in.

And...maybe it's just me...but you don't really discuss anything. You start out with, "Oh, you're christian, but you want more." Then "Oh, you're going to go to the suburb and lose faith." Followed by "Oh, you feel bad and will repent." It's very cookie-cutter. The emotions that the character feels are stated, not felt. It doesn't feel like a discussion at all. It feels more like a summery.

Still, I hate to be all negative. I do commend you for taking the idea this far. It takes a lot to settle down and actually START writing.

This is...well, trippy, really. The approach of only asking one question is interesting, but it doesn't work well when you can always hit the back button. ^_^;;; The hiding of information is rather annoying, but...that's the point, isn't it?

The only issue I had with it was that there is a serious lack of descriptive details. You spend so much time focusing on how to weave all of the loose rooms that the "real world" doesn't seem real. The lack of detail kinda makes sense for the dream world, since it adds to the confusion...but I kinda thought the real world should have more solid descriptions to make it appear real.

So...responding to comments / reviews...

The error that DEP noticed has been corrected, and I may now have the delusion that it never existed in the first place.

Actually...this story was made up very late in the morning because I was in a rather odd mood. In fact, the entire idea of the story is based off of <A href="http://www.missmab.com/Comics/Vol_321.php">this</A>. It's supposed to be random. I just wanted to <I>start</I> something, y'know? It's more of a practice story...even though I do like it a lot.

Comment on the amount of people who add to stories duely noted. I shall have to come back to this every now and then when I'm in that random sort of mood.

Chubby...the Pink Floyd was frikkin' awesome.

I hope the framework is broad enough to have a few different plotlines running along the same premise. Because that's the intent. Gimme feedback, and then start adding on to the story, yah?

I was kinda expecting more "Metamorphosis" references, personally. So, I put one in. I feel better now, at least.

The idea is rather amusing...but the animal you get turned into could be funnier. And, like someone else said...it doesn't try to be funny.