Confusion of the Mind

The dog bit the cheese and accidentally took your hand too. Oops. An elf with turquoise skin comes across you screaming your head off, and says, "Need a hand?" He then laughs and skips away. You then die a painful death of blood loss.

Here's a hand joke to lessen the blow:

What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

He went to the second-hand shop.