Todestrieb
You close your eyes, breathing in fully as you concentrate on the incredible warmth you and Father Carl have generated with your hands. You think of a dozen different things to say, but none of them escapes your lips. You just sit there, breathing steadily, giving in to a force that seems to flow freely through and around you. Slowly opening your eyes, you meet his unwavering gaze with a smile.
"Ok, I think I'm here now," you say. You take a sip of your tea, wiggling the heavy coat off your bare shoulders. Father Carl swallows audibly, though he doesn't appear to be drinking his tea just yet.
"How has school been for you, Anna? You know many of the great Catholic writers were also great philosophers."
"Well," you say with a rueful smile, "it's not quite the Continental tradition that I'm studying. Modern philosophy has been broken into very small and disconnected fragments which are scrutinized to death without any sense of the larger whole. It's actually been a bit disappointing."
"Do you long for something that speaks to your heart as well as to your mind?"
"I guess so. I have always been taught to disregard anything that I cannot readily understand, to do away with mystery, but I have found that even at the end of the greatest and most sophisticated efforts, the mystery is still there. And then what? Everyone has to decide how they will handle the unknown in their own life. Pretending it's not there or that we know more than we actually do is just as misguided as taking too much on faith."
"You are such a brilliant girl, Anna. Remember what a standout you were in your Confirmation class? " He chuckles joyfully at the memory. "It was like making a Doctor of the Church sit through kindergarten class. I felt so guilty and I was worried that you would lose interest."
"In many ways, I did."
"But you're here now, Anna. That is all that matters. My prayers have been answered tonight. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you all this, but I want you to know how much I adore you. I have prayed ardently for you every night, you have always been in my thoughts. I can still see you, the way you glowed in your Confirmation dress, and my heart was glowing too. It was one of the happiest days of my life." He reaches a hand up to pick at a small tear welling up under his eye. Not wanting to stare at him, you get up quietly to refill your mug.
You are surprised to hear the scraping of his chair behind you.
You set your mug down slowly, feeling his presence behind you, the hot exhalations stinging your neck in quick little bursts. You stand breathless, feeling once again that paralyzing warmth which melts your limbs into prone inertia.
"Anna, I love you so much," he whispers in your ear, resting one hand gently on your waist. "I just want to hold you and protect you from all the evil in this world. I want to adorn you with my love."
His lips brush gently against the nape of your neck. They sweep gently down to your shoulder. He inhales deeply. You can feel him closing his eyes as he takes in your scent. Unable to think, unable to run away, you tilt your head back deep into the sensation. His lips reach around to consume your exposed throat, kissing and pressing in an increasingly needful frenzy. Thus excited, his lips find yours, his hands gripping tightly at your waist as though to forcefully hold themselves away from any other part of your body. His kiss is closed and desperate. You can do nothing but steady yourself against the counter to prevent the both of you from tumbling to the floor.
Suddenly, the loud chiming of the church bells next door shakes the little room, the sound bursting forth stridently into the delicate solitude. You both turn instinctively to the window. Across the driveway, two stained-glass windows burn with fury. You feel that the ceiling might fall in, or the walls crumble suddenly to dust. Those warm hands at your waist turn cold. Father Carl's illuminated eyes stare emptily at you as he pushes you roughly away from him.
"Get out," he hisses. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" He collapses weakly back into his chair, his eyes shut tight against the world. He crosses himself with a wild motion and begins to pray out loud. "Oh God, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. We're no good. We're no good!" The tears are now running freely down his face..
Without another word, without another thought, your legs carry you to the door. The last thing you hear as you shut the door behind you are the agonizing words cried out into the emptiness, "Can you ever forgive me?".
The blackness around you is absolute, your neighborhood transformed into an absolutely unknown landscape as you make your weary way back home.
"Ok, I think I'm here now," you say. You take a sip of your tea, wiggling the heavy coat off your bare shoulders. Father Carl swallows audibly, though he doesn't appear to be drinking his tea just yet.
"How has school been for you, Anna? You know many of the great Catholic writers were also great philosophers."
"Well," you say with a rueful smile, "it's not quite the Continental tradition that I'm studying. Modern philosophy has been broken into very small and disconnected fragments which are scrutinized to death without any sense of the larger whole. It's actually been a bit disappointing."
"Do you long for something that speaks to your heart as well as to your mind?"
"I guess so. I have always been taught to disregard anything that I cannot readily understand, to do away with mystery, but I have found that even at the end of the greatest and most sophisticated efforts, the mystery is still there. And then what? Everyone has to decide how they will handle the unknown in their own life. Pretending it's not there or that we know more than we actually do is just as misguided as taking too much on faith."
"You are such a brilliant girl, Anna. Remember what a standout you were in your Confirmation class? " He chuckles joyfully at the memory. "It was like making a Doctor of the Church sit through kindergarten class. I felt so guilty and I was worried that you would lose interest."
"In many ways, I did."
"But you're here now, Anna. That is all that matters. My prayers have been answered tonight. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you all this, but I want you to know how much I adore you. I have prayed ardently for you every night, you have always been in my thoughts. I can still see you, the way you glowed in your Confirmation dress, and my heart was glowing too. It was one of the happiest days of my life." He reaches a hand up to pick at a small tear welling up under his eye. Not wanting to stare at him, you get up quietly to refill your mug.
You are surprised to hear the scraping of his chair behind you.
You set your mug down slowly, feeling his presence behind you, the hot exhalations stinging your neck in quick little bursts. You stand breathless, feeling once again that paralyzing warmth which melts your limbs into prone inertia.
"Anna, I love you so much," he whispers in your ear, resting one hand gently on your waist. "I just want to hold you and protect you from all the evil in this world. I want to adorn you with my love."
His lips brush gently against the nape of your neck. They sweep gently down to your shoulder. He inhales deeply. You can feel him closing his eyes as he takes in your scent. Unable to think, unable to run away, you tilt your head back deep into the sensation. His lips reach around to consume your exposed throat, kissing and pressing in an increasingly needful frenzy. Thus excited, his lips find yours, his hands gripping tightly at your waist as though to forcefully hold themselves away from any other part of your body. His kiss is closed and desperate. You can do nothing but steady yourself against the counter to prevent the both of you from tumbling to the floor.
Suddenly, the loud chiming of the church bells next door shakes the little room, the sound bursting forth stridently into the delicate solitude. You both turn instinctively to the window. Across the driveway, two stained-glass windows burn with fury. You feel that the ceiling might fall in, or the walls crumble suddenly to dust. Those warm hands at your waist turn cold. Father Carl's illuminated eyes stare emptily at you as he pushes you roughly away from him.
"Get out," he hisses. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" He collapses weakly back into his chair, his eyes shut tight against the world. He crosses himself with a wild motion and begins to pray out loud. "Oh God, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. We're no good. We're no good!" The tears are now running freely down his face..
Without another word, without another thought, your legs carry you to the door. The last thing you hear as you shut the door behind you are the agonizing words cried out into the emptiness, "Can you ever forgive me?".
The blackness around you is absolute, your neighborhood transformed into an absolutely unknown landscape as you make your weary way back home.