Location: Nowhere

Act 3 scene 1

We are once again in the gravel parking lot behind Riley's Pizza, looking down on Gary and Squige who lay atop the car. Gary lies on the roof, legs dangling over the side. Squige rests atop the hood, back supported in a slightly vertical position by the windshield. The Chamber Brothers blast from the speakers. Neither speak for a while. It is night, the stars are in the sky, the moon full. No other cars are in the lot. The lights to Rileys Pizza are all out.


Gary: I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

Squige: You tell her what happened. Either she'll understand or she won't.

Gary: Next time I see Steve, I'm going to kick his ass.

Squige: I share your sentiments precisely, my friend.

Gary: But what can I do? I either betray Heather's confidence or suffer Lisa's wrath.

Squige: Here's how I see your options, man: You tell Lisa the shit Heather told you and then kick Steve's ass...

Gary: That's seems dangerous.

Squige: You would be off the hook.

Gary: True... What else have you got?

Squige: Keep your silence for Heather and pray to God Lisa understands, and then kick Steve's ass.

Gary: That'll be a rough one too. You got anything else?

Squige: You could just kick Steve's ass.

Gary: That sounds good. But what about the whole Lisa thing?

Squige: You could let me take care of it.

Gary: Yeah. (Laughs.)

Squige: You don't think I can do it?

Gary: No. I don't.

Squige: Ten bucks says I can have her here for the party tonight.

Gary: You better have ten bucks on you when you get back.

Squige: I will. You'll be holding it for me.

Gary: You'll be stopping at a MAC machine on the way back. I tried to get her to come down here once already.

Squige: What happened?

Gary: She laughed and hung up.

Squige: Damn. (Silence is shared between the two for a moment. Gary lets out a frustrated breath, and Squige breaks the silence.) What time does this shindig start anyway?

Gary: Eleven.

Squige: And what time is it now? (Gary looks at his watch.)

Gary: Quarter to ten. (Squige gets off of the car.)

Squige: You are such a dumb ass! (Gary sits up.)

Gary: What'd I do?

Squige: You and this being prompt shit! It's driving me nuts!

Gary: What? (Shrugs)

Squige: You crazy mother fucker! I can't believe this shit! I thought we went through this yesterday!

Gary: What?

Squige: How fucking early do you need to be for shit!

Gary: The host of the party is supposed to be there first.

Squige: All right. I'm going to smoke this joint with you, and then I'm going to talk to Lisa. (pulls a joint out of his pocket.)

Gary: Sounds like a plan.

Squige: It should. It is. (Holds the joint between his lips and fishes a lighter from his pocket. He lights the joint, hits it and passes it to Gary. Gary hits it and coughs violently, handing it back to Squige in the process.)

Gary: God damn it, Squige! (Squige hits it and passes it back.)

Squige: Yeah. It's a little harsh. (Gary hits it again. Passes it back.) Whose all showing up tonight? (hits joint.)

Gary: You remember last nights party?

Squige: Yeah...

Gary: All of them except Steve. And possibly not Lisa.

Squige: Don't worry, man. I'll take care of Lisa. (Hands Gary the joint.) Here. Finish this shit off. I'm going to go talk your girl into showing up tonight. (Begins to walk away.)

Gary: All right, man. I'll see you later. (Hits joint as Squige disappears into the distance.) I have to go through all this shit because Heather has the secretive hots for someone. Let me tell you... When she told me, I was shocked. I never would have thought that... Well it just surprised me, that's all. (Hits joint again. Looks right at the camera.) But I know what you're thinking... Who... In their right mind would disappear from a party with a lady and not expect questions? Well I wasn't even thinking like that. I was thinking "Everybody knows that Heather and I are just friends." So stupid me, I just walk up stairs with the girl to hear her over the stereo and every- Oh. Wait. That's not even what you were thinking about, was it? You were probably wondering who it was that Heather is so hot and bothered over. I got you, I got you. But you have to promise me that you won't tell a living soul. I mean, don't go talking to your friends about it. No chit-chatting with your folks. No telling your shrink. If you talk in your sleep, you need to cut your fucking tongue out. (Attempts to hit joint. Realizes it is out, and flicks it carelessly away.) So do you promise? (Pause) Good. Heather has had this little infatuation of hers for a bit of time now. She just never mentioned it until recently. Heather has the hots for L- (A car pulls in the drive and parks beside Gary.) We'll talk later. (Gary gets off of the car to greet who ever is here. Out of the car come Ted (driver) and Tommy (passenger))

Tommy: Hey man, what's up?

Gary: Not much. What the hell is Ted doing here?

Tommy: He gave me a ride.

Ted: Aside from that, this is my business establishment where you plan on throwing a bash tonight. I have come to warn you not to make asses of yourselves. Do not cause a noise disturbance with your speakers so that the neighbors call the cops. You have my permission to hang out here tonight, which will save you some trouble with the law. Steve will be showing up later, if you plan on eating, have him heat you up some pizza, we have a few already made.

Gary: Free pizza?

Ted: Not free. You'll have to pay for it.

Gary: There's just one thing wrong with your game plan, Ted.

Ted: What's that?

Gary: Steve isn't going to be here.

Ted: The hell he isn't.

Gary: The hell he is.

Ted: This is my property you plan on partying on, and as such I am placing someone to watch my assets.

Gary: Look, Ted. I understand your reasoning. But Steve has caused a lot of shit recently. A lot of people want to kick his assets. I am among them. So if you're trying to control disturbances... Posting Steve is a major folly.

Ted: He will be here. And you will all behave yourselves. Do you understand? No Steve, no party. (Gary stares blankly and coldly back at him.) Now. Had you asked my permission to throw this bash out here, I might not have had to place some one out here. Think about that next time.

Gary: All right, Mr. Riley. Just don't be surprised if he's bloodied, bruised, and broken next time you see him.

Ted: But you'll make sure that doesn't happen, won't you? (He asked it. But it wasn't a question. Ted gets in his car and drives away leaving Tommy and Gary alone.)

Gary: So I take it your excuse worked on the old man?

Tommy: Obviously, obviously. Mikey is genius in the art of fabrication isn't he? (Gary shrugs. Bit of silence.) When's the beer showing up?

Gary: Whenever Steve shows up. You're going to have to hold me back from that fucker when he gets here. He's the whole reason Lisa is pissed off at me.

Tommy: He is? How do you figure?

Gary: He's the one who told her that I slept with Heather.

Tommy: Damn. (Sits on hood of car.) You want me to hold him down for you?

Gary: No. I don't want him to have any excuses.

Tommy: Steve can be a real dick hole, man. But maybe he just felt that he should inform your girl of the rumor.

Gary: But it was just a rumor.

Tommy: Did he know that?

Gary: I don't know.

Tommy: I mean... Gary. You walked upstairs with a girl, into a bedroom, and weren't seen again for a near half hour.

Gary: Yeah. I know what it looked like, Tommy. (A car pulls in and parks next to Garys car. Vicky and Mikey get out.)

Tommy: Vicky. What a pleasant surprise.

Vicky: I've missed you.

Tommy: Yeah, me too. It's been what..? (Looks at his watch) Twelve hours?

Vicky: About that. (The two smile and exchange brief heated glances. Mikey approaches Vicky)

Mikey: Can I see your keys?

Vicky: Yeah, sure. (Digs keys out of her pocket and tosses them to Mikey. Mikey takes the keys to the trunk, opens it and pulls out a ponie keg, which he carries over to the group. He hands Vicky her keys back and closes the trunk.)

Gary: How the hell did you end up with one?

Vicky: You forget that my sister married Teds son. We're practically related. Ted delivered this to me. (She leans up against her car.)

Gary: Well, kick ass. (Tommy goes about the ritualistic preparation of the keg.)

Mikey: So where's Squige?

Gary: He's trying to talk Lisa into coming down here tonight.

Mikey: Does she know you'll be here?

Gary: Yeah.

Mikey: Ha!

Gary: What the fuck?!

Mikey: Sorry, man. It just doesn't seem very likely that she'll show. She is really pissed off.

Gary: I know. But it's not my fault. I didn't even do anything.

Mikey: Has anyone told her that?

Gary: I tried, but she won't listen.

Mikey: Of course not. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. An admittedly stupid emotion, but a powerful one none the less. What you need to do is have Heather talk to her in the bathroom.

Gary & Vicky: What?!

Mikey: You know how girls are in the ladies room. They go in there and talk. The truth always comes out when chicks bullshit in the bathroom. It's like there's a rule that you can't tell lies in the stalls or something.

Vicky: This might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say, Mikey.

Tommy: And the dude has said some stupid things in his time. (Gets cups out of the car, fills a cup up for himself and stands beside Vicky, against her car.)

Mikey: No. You know what? It's more than just a rule. It's a fucking commandment. Commandment number twelve: "Thou shalt not hide thine true selves in thine privies."

Tommy: Twelve?! What's number eleven?

Mikey: "Thou art permitted to break the above listed commandments with just cause." (Gary makes his way to the keg and fills a cup.)

Gary: So you want Heather to talk to Lisa on the crapper?

Mikey: Yeah, man. It's the only way for things to work out right.

Gary: I think Squige has given me better advice.

Mikey: That hurt, Gary. That really hurt.

Vicky: Actually, Squige gives pretty good advice.

Mikey: No one asked you, Vicky.

Vicky: Well, Squige has given good advice to me plenty of times.

Mikey: Isn't he the one who told you to feel the rush of bunjee jumping?

Vicky: Well, yeah...

Mikey: Then you pulled your back out of place and had to stay in bed for a week?

Vicky: Yeah. But there have been other-

Mikey: Isn't he also the one who told you to let Tim start hitch hiking to California? That he would come back?

Vicky: Yeah...

Mikey: Did he?

Vicky: No. But I can't really say that's a bad thing.

Mikey: Didn't Squige advise you that the water was safe to swim in that pond behind Mick's house?

Vicky: Yeah...

Mikey: I rest my case. The evidence is overwhelming against him. (Walks over to ponie keg and fills himself a cup.)

Vicky: So whose showing up here tonight, Gary?

Gary: Well... Me. You guys. Squige, Heather, and Frank. Lisa might show up, depending on Squige. (Recounts list of guests in his head, then adds;) And Steve.

Mikey: Steve?! (Spits out the beer he had just been sipping.) Why the hell is he coming?! Don't you people learn from your mistakes?! Who the hell invited his ass anyway?!

Gary: Actually, Ted did.

Mikey: Ted! Why the fuck is Ted writing up the guest list to your fucking parties?!

Gary: Because it's kind of his property. And he wants Steve to make sure nothing happens.

Mikey: Well if he wants nothing to happen, he shouldn't have invited Steve.

Gary: I tried telling him that...

Tommy: You sure did. But he wasn't hearing it.

Gary: Besides, we have his permission to party here. So all we have to do to avoid a run in with the boys in blue is tolerate the presence of an asshole.

Tommy: Also, Ted said that Steve would be brining his beer too.

Mikey: Oh. No shit? Then I guess it's cool.

Vicky: So when is Squige returning?

Gary: I don't know. He walked there, and he'll probably end up walking back. And if he's walking back, he'll probably stop to smoke pot. He probably stopped on the way there too...

Tommy: What he's trying to say is; we're talking about Squige here. Who knows how long it's gonna take him. (Another car pulls in.)

Gary: Squige is a bit of an unpredictable factor. (Frank gets out of the car and walks over to the group.)

Frank: Did one of you just say something about beer? (All exchange glances.)

Vicky: No...

Frank: Oh. I thought I heard something about beer.

Vicky: No. Didn't happen.

Frank: Is there beer?

Mikey: Sorry Frank. That ponie over there is just a stage prop. You'll have to drink water instead.

Vicky: Help yourself to the ponie, Frank.

Frank: Thank you. (Begins walking over to the keg.)

Vicky: Pour me one too.

Frank: All right. (He pours two cups and eventually returns with them, handing one to Vicky. There is a moment of silence shared between the group.)

Gary: I hope Squige gets back here with Lisa soon.

Vicky: You really didn't do anything?

Gary: Nothing. That's why I'm so bummed. I'm going to kick Steve's fucking ass for this shit. (Mikey puts a hand on Garys shoulder.)

Tommy: Damn dude. Chill the fuck out. You need to mellow out before Steve gets here, cause we can't have any more fights, you know?

Mikey: And I have just the thing to mellow you the fuck out. (Produces a joint from one of his pockets.)

Gary: So we're going to go smoke in the woods? (Mikey nods.)

Frank: Phat.

Gary: All right. Let's do it. (Stands upright.)

Mikey: Now, I don't want to twist your arm or anything... (He and Gary begin walking towards the wood.)

Tommy: Roll call! (Tommy, Frank, and Vicky all follow the two as they walk towards the woods and we;)


FADE OUT

You have 1 choice: