Highway Star
Act 4 scene 3
It is night still, and cold. It rains heavily from above, thunder often booming, lightning often flaring. Phill stands on the side of a scarcely populated highway. Vehicles driving by are very infrequent. It is three AM. He stands there for a long while, his breath coming out it clouds in the chill air. He is drenched. From behind him we see Tim walking out from a patch of trees to join his friend. He carries the four duffel bags. Phill cannot hear him approach above the patter of rainfall. Tim grabs Phill by the shoulder and speaks in a gruff voice.
Tim:
Like tipping cows, do you boy?! (Phill jumps a little. He turns around to face Tim.)
Phill:
Oh, it's just you.
Tim:
Well damn, Phill. Don't act so excited to see me.
Phill:
You grabbed the duffel bags?
Tim:
Yeah. (Holds them up in indication that he does indeed have them.)
Phill:
Did you see Lori or Eddy on your trek down here? (Tim shakes his head "no")
Tim:
He was mostly just shooting at you though, so don't worry about them.
Phill:
I hope they get here soon.
Tim:
Me too. It's fucking cold out here.
Phill:
Wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't raining though.
Tim:
Fucked if that ain't the truth. (They are silent for a few seconds. Lightning. Thunder. A car passes them by.)
Phill:
It's pretty dead out here. Hitch hiking is going to be a bitch.
Tim:
Why's it so dead out here?
Phill: You mean aside from because we're in farm country? (Looks at his watch.) It's 3:15.
Tim:
No shit?
Phill:
No shit.
Tim:
Here comes another car. (Sticks his thumb out. Phill puts his arm down.)
Phill:
We're waiting. (The car slows down. It has lights atop its hood. It stops a police officer gets out and walk over to them, flashlight shining on their chins. Bright strobing light fills the air. Thunder rumbles.)
Officer:
Good morning gentlemen. (Tim and Phill are dumbfounded.)
Phill:
Hi... (Tim just puts his hands in his pockets and nods. The rain slows a bit.)
Officer:
What brings you folks out at night?
Tim:
Our car broke down a couple miles back. We were just walking to the next exit for some gas. It wasn't so bad until the rain came.
Officer:
There was no car back there. (Tim back hands Phills chest.)
Tim: Someone stole your fucking car, man.
Officer:
We got a call about some cow tipping. Would you boys know anything about that?
Tim: Yeah. Actually. We were walking along here and we heard this loud "Moooooooooo!!" (imitates a cow mooing) And it just kept getting closer and closer.
Phill:
Then the gunshots. (Lightning. Two quick flashes.)
Tim:
Right. The gunshots. (Thunder. Two booms of thunder.)
Phill:
We could probably take you over there, I'm sure we could find it. (The officer nods.)
Officer:
Yeah. Why don't we do that? (Phill and Tim exchange glances.)
Tim:
It's over here. (They take about three steps when the officers radio begins to speak.)
Radio:
Attention all units. All units. We've found the cow tippers. Disband all advances. We have the offenders. (All stop walking. Phill and Tim exchange looks. Officer talks into the radio.)
Officer:
This is Officer Braunwell. You say you have the offenders in the destruction of livestock?
Radio: That is correct. Two teen age boys and a weird looking man whose entire arm smells like cow ass. (The storm breaks up further.)
Officer:
All right. (Re-sheathes his radio.) I guess you guys are telling the truth. Do you want a ride to the next exit?
Phill:
Actually, we're also waiting for my girlfriend to get back.
Officer:
And where did she go? (Phill shrugs.)
Phill:
When nature calls... (Cop nods.)
Officer:
Well you guys stay here and wait for her. I have to look at the cow.
Phill & Tim:
All right. (The officer walk off into the background, towards the dark hillside. Phill and Tim look at one another. A car drives by. The storm has mostly passes to a mild drizzle. The thunder and lightning, though present, is distant.)
Tim:
So Eddy didn't make it?
Phill:
I guess not.
Tim:
How's he going to explain his arm?
Phill:
I don't know. But where the fuck is Lori?
Tim:
I don't know. They didn't mention a woman in the call.
Phill:
Only a man whose entire arm smelled like it's been up a cow ass. (He and Tim laugh that cold kind of laugh when you shake from both shiver and humor.)
Tim:
I hope she shows up soon. How are we going to explain this to the cop?
Phill:
Bullshitting them is working so far. (Tim nods in agreement.)
Tim:
Fuck! Its fucking cold!
Phill:
It'd be better if the sun could shine. (They stand in silence for a while. Officer returns with the flashlight shining.)
Officer:
Can you gentlemen identify the cow? (Phill and Tim stare blankly back at him. Phill blinks. Officer bursts out briefly with laughter.)
Tim:
I don't think so... (Phill looks towards the hill.)
Phill:
No. Not at this distance. (Officer laughs again.)
Officer:
Well come on, boys. I'll drive you to the next exit.
Phill:
My girlfriend...
Officer:
Well where is she? Is she still peeing?
Phill: I don't know what's taking her.
Tim:
Maybe she's taking a shit. (Momentary silence.)
Phill:
Maybe she got lost.
Tim:
Or hit by a cow. Was she under the cow? (Officer smiles and shakes his head no.)
Phill:
Maybe we should split up and look for her. (The Officer nods.)
Officer:
That's an excellent suggestion. What's her name?
Phill: Lori. (Officer nods. They begin to split up, walking away into the distance. They call her name. She steps out from a small grove of trees not far from the hill, out of breath.)
Lori:
Here I am.
Tim:
What did you wipe your ass with? (Lori gives him the finger.) Oh, with your finger. (Lori glares at him.)
Phill:
Come on, Lori. The officer here is going to give us a ride to a decent hotel. (Lori nods.)
Lori:
Good, cause it's really cold out here. (The officer leads them to the cruiser and lets them all in, allowing Lori the front seat. He speaks to them as they are still getting into their respective seats.)
Officer:
The heater will warm you up. (Doors close. We no longer hear them as the cruiser starts up and drives away. The rain is nearly exhausted. Lightning flares in the sky. Thunder booms loudly. The rain is gone. There is nothing but silence.)
END SCENE
It is night still, and cold. It rains heavily from above, thunder often booming, lightning often flaring. Phill stands on the side of a scarcely populated highway. Vehicles driving by are very infrequent. It is three AM. He stands there for a long while, his breath coming out it clouds in the chill air. He is drenched. From behind him we see Tim walking out from a patch of trees to join his friend. He carries the four duffel bags. Phill cannot hear him approach above the patter of rainfall. Tim grabs Phill by the shoulder and speaks in a gruff voice.
Tim:
Like tipping cows, do you boy?! (Phill jumps a little. He turns around to face Tim.)
Phill:
Oh, it's just you.
Tim:
Well damn, Phill. Don't act so excited to see me.
Phill:
You grabbed the duffel bags?
Tim:
Yeah. (Holds them up in indication that he does indeed have them.)
Phill:
Did you see Lori or Eddy on your trek down here? (Tim shakes his head "no")
Tim:
He was mostly just shooting at you though, so don't worry about them.
Phill:
I hope they get here soon.
Tim:
Me too. It's fucking cold out here.
Phill:
Wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't raining though.
Tim:
Fucked if that ain't the truth. (They are silent for a few seconds. Lightning. Thunder. A car passes them by.)
Phill:
It's pretty dead out here. Hitch hiking is going to be a bitch.
Tim:
Why's it so dead out here?
Phill: You mean aside from because we're in farm country? (Looks at his watch.) It's 3:15.
Tim:
No shit?
Phill:
No shit.
Tim:
Here comes another car. (Sticks his thumb out. Phill puts his arm down.)
Phill:
We're waiting. (The car slows down. It has lights atop its hood. It stops a police officer gets out and walk over to them, flashlight shining on their chins. Bright strobing light fills the air. Thunder rumbles.)
Officer:
Good morning gentlemen. (Tim and Phill are dumbfounded.)
Phill:
Hi... (Tim just puts his hands in his pockets and nods. The rain slows a bit.)
Officer:
What brings you folks out at night?
Tim:
Our car broke down a couple miles back. We were just walking to the next exit for some gas. It wasn't so bad until the rain came.
Officer:
There was no car back there. (Tim back hands Phills chest.)
Tim: Someone stole your fucking car, man.
Officer:
We got a call about some cow tipping. Would you boys know anything about that?
Tim: Yeah. Actually. We were walking along here and we heard this loud "Moooooooooo!!" (imitates a cow mooing) And it just kept getting closer and closer.
Phill:
Then the gunshots. (Lightning. Two quick flashes.)
Tim:
Right. The gunshots. (Thunder. Two booms of thunder.)
Phill:
We could probably take you over there, I'm sure we could find it. (The officer nods.)
Officer:
Yeah. Why don't we do that? (Phill and Tim exchange glances.)
Tim:
It's over here. (They take about three steps when the officers radio begins to speak.)
Radio:
Attention all units. All units. We've found the cow tippers. Disband all advances. We have the offenders. (All stop walking. Phill and Tim exchange looks. Officer talks into the radio.)
Officer:
This is Officer Braunwell. You say you have the offenders in the destruction of livestock?
Radio: That is correct. Two teen age boys and a weird looking man whose entire arm smells like cow ass. (The storm breaks up further.)
Officer:
All right. (Re-sheathes his radio.) I guess you guys are telling the truth. Do you want a ride to the next exit?
Phill:
Actually, we're also waiting for my girlfriend to get back.
Officer:
And where did she go? (Phill shrugs.)
Phill:
When nature calls... (Cop nods.)
Officer:
Well you guys stay here and wait for her. I have to look at the cow.
Phill & Tim:
All right. (The officer walk off into the background, towards the dark hillside. Phill and Tim look at one another. A car drives by. The storm has mostly passes to a mild drizzle. The thunder and lightning, though present, is distant.)
Tim:
So Eddy didn't make it?
Phill:
I guess not.
Tim:
How's he going to explain his arm?
Phill:
I don't know. But where the fuck is Lori?
Tim:
I don't know. They didn't mention a woman in the call.
Phill:
Only a man whose entire arm smelled like it's been up a cow ass. (He and Tim laugh that cold kind of laugh when you shake from both shiver and humor.)
Tim:
I hope she shows up soon. How are we going to explain this to the cop?
Phill:
Bullshitting them is working so far. (Tim nods in agreement.)
Tim:
Fuck! Its fucking cold!
Phill:
It'd be better if the sun could shine. (They stand in silence for a while. Officer returns with the flashlight shining.)
Officer:
Can you gentlemen identify the cow? (Phill and Tim stare blankly back at him. Phill blinks. Officer bursts out briefly with laughter.)
Tim:
I don't think so... (Phill looks towards the hill.)
Phill:
No. Not at this distance. (Officer laughs again.)
Officer:
Well come on, boys. I'll drive you to the next exit.
Phill:
My girlfriend...
Officer:
Well where is she? Is she still peeing?
Phill: I don't know what's taking her.
Tim:
Maybe she's taking a shit. (Momentary silence.)
Phill:
Maybe she got lost.
Tim:
Or hit by a cow. Was she under the cow? (Officer smiles and shakes his head no.)
Phill:
Maybe we should split up and look for her. (The Officer nods.)
Officer:
That's an excellent suggestion. What's her name?
Phill: Lori. (Officer nods. They begin to split up, walking away into the distance. They call her name. She steps out from a small grove of trees not far from the hill, out of breath.)
Lori:
Here I am.
Tim:
What did you wipe your ass with? (Lori gives him the finger.) Oh, with your finger. (Lori glares at him.)
Phill:
Come on, Lori. The officer here is going to give us a ride to a decent hotel. (Lori nods.)
Lori:
Good, cause it's really cold out here. (The officer leads them to the cruiser and lets them all in, allowing Lori the front seat. He speaks to them as they are still getting into their respective seats.)
Officer:
The heater will warm you up. (Doors close. We no longer hear them as the cruiser starts up and drives away. The rain is nearly exhausted. Lightning flares in the sky. Thunder booms loudly. The rain is gone. There is nothing but silence.)
END SCENE