Location: Nowhere
Act 1 scene 3
The sky is black, the stars painted in a brilliant shine against the otherwise dark sky. Gary and Squige sit where the car once was, upon the gravel in the parking lot. Squige drinks from a 40oz beer.
Gary: I can't believe that little fucker took my car! (Squige takes a gulp of it and smiles broadly, looking at the bottle which had but a quarter of it remaining.)
Squige: I can't believe there was enough change in that take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to pay for this booze.
Gary: I'm going to kill that fuck.
Squige: You think he'll be back with it before the kegs are rolled out?
Gary: He better fucking be. (They sit in silence for a while.)
Squige: What time you got, anyway? (Gary looks at his watch.)
Gary: Quarter to nine.
Squige: Shit... (silence ensues.)
Gary: What a little fucker.
Squige: Yeah, man. I don't how we're going to manage without having music to listen to as we sit in the parking lot for five hours waiting for your girl to get off of work. What'd you do anyway, pick me up right after you dropped her off? (We see the back door of the restaurant open and close, indicative of someone exiting the building.)
Gary: Who just came out? (They both stand, peering into the darkness at the shadow which makes its way walking towards them through the parking lots.)
Squige: I don't see what difference it makes.
Gary: Is it Lisa?
Squige: Who the fuck cares, Gary? Even if it is her, what can we do? Chill out as we wait for Mikey to return? Excitement bundled up with uncontrollable romance for the two of you, eh?
Gary: Shut up, Squige. Who is it? (The person is much closer, we can make out a few features. It is Steve, though Gary and Squige do not yet realize it.)
Squige: Man, if that's Lisa she's getting ugly as fuck. (Gary realizes who it is.)
Gary: Shit.
(Steve is upon them, behind him he drags a pony keg on a dolly.)
Steve: You guys are still here?
Gary: Where else would we be?
Steve: I don't know... I figured you'd be where ever your car was. (No reply.) Where is your car, anyway?
Squige: Mikey took it.
Steve: You let Mikey take your car?
Gary: Not exactly, no. The little fucker drove off with it.
Steve: Damn. You going to kick his ass?
Gary: Oh yeah.
Steve: Good. That's what reckless little fucks like that deserve.
Gary: Yeah.
Steve: You guys goin to Lisa's tonight?
Gary: Depends... are you going to be there?
Steve: Undoubtedly. You?
Gary: The chances are slimming even as we speak.
Steve: Well, I'm bringing my pony with me. So there'll be plenty of booze.
Squige: If there's beer there I'm there.
Gary: Is Lisa almost ready?
Steve: Not for a while yet. She's still got a table in there.
Gary: Still?!
Steve: Hey, that's Fat people and the elderly on all you can eat night for you.
Squige: Where you going to right now, Steve?
Steve: Home. I got to take a shower and shit. Party preparation and what not.
Squige: Can you drop me off on the way?
Steve: Yeah I guess so. You got gas money.
Squige: Fuck no I don't. I only live a street over from you.
Steve: No gas money, no ride, my friend.
Squige: You know what? I'll dig out some ass crack lint for you, and you can cash it in. Don't even stop at my house, I'll walk from yours.
Steve: What ever, man. Get in.
Squige: You're damn straight. (Squige gets in the passenger side. Steve opens his trunk and puts the pony keg in. He walks over to the passenger side of his car, where Squige sits.)
Steve: I gotta run this dolly back.
Squige: Do it then. What the hell are standing here talking to me about it for? (Steve walks it back to the restaurant.)
Gary: My God that dude is such an asshole.
Squige: I know.
Gary: Enjoy the ride home.
Squige: Oh I will. Me and him trade meaningful insults back and forth all the time. It's really quite therapeutic. I take all of my anger out on him. Of course, I usually piss him off too much and he gets all red in the face and pissed off. And just when he's about ready to sock me in the jaw, I depart from his company and mock him with others. (Steve is making his way back to the car.)
Gary: Sounds exciting.
Squige: Oh it is. (They sit in silence for a while. Steve returns and hops into the driver side, staring the car.)
Gary: See ya later, Squige. (The car slowly begins to pull out of its spot.)
Squige: Later, man. Tongue your girl up for me.
Gary: Fuck you, Squige. (Gary flips him off as the car drives off. Gary paces alone aimlessly. He pulls out a cigarette and flares it up.) What a weird mother fucker. (shakes his head and smokes his cigarette, when two old drunken men are exiting the pizza shop from the side door. They talk loudly and stumble more than walk to their cars in the parking lot.)
Old Man A: That waitress was a good one. (Their speech is heavily slurred and Gary can hear them from where he stands, arms crossed over his chest.)
Old Man B: I would stick her something fierce. (The two stop and laugh.)
Old Man A: Quite an ass on the dame, too.
Old Man B: And those knockers... (He motions his hands out to represent her breast measure.) Mamma-Me-ah!
Old Man A: I would take that... (Stops at a thought...) That... What was that broads name, Tony?
Old Man B: Her name was Lisa. (The old man licks his lips.)
Old Man A: Why, I would bend that "Lisa" over my Oldsmobile in a heartbeat.
Old Man B: You'd need a good ten Viagra too you old, limp bastard.
Old Man A: Not with those firm little titties staring me in the face.
Old Man B: Horse shit.
Old Man A: Not with those titties in my face, I wouldn't.
Old Man B: Horse shit. (The men reach their cars and stand outside talking.)
Old man A: Those perky titties of hers. I'm telling you, I would bend that bitch sideways and... (Gary screams to them from afar as the old man quietly finishes his statement "I would hump that whore until her eyes bled come.")
Gary: Hey! That's my girlfriend you're talking about!
Old Man B: Huh?!? (They both strain their ears to hear Gary. Gary begins walking towards them.)
Gary: I said that's my girlfriend you're talking about, you old pervert mother fuckers.
Old Man B: Lisa is your girlfriend?
Gary: Yeah.
Old Man A: Is her ass as nice and firm as it looks?
Gary: What? (He stops.)
Old Man A: It's just that it looks rather firm, comfortable beneath the hand. I was just wondering if it felt that way? Because it looks that way.
Gary: What the fuck business is that of yours, you sick mother fucker!?
Old Man A: Jeez, loosen up fella. (Lays a hand on Garys shoulder.) It's just curiosity. I thought you younger generations were keen to this sort of thing.
Gary: But that's my girlfriend you're talking about.
Old Man A: That's peculiar in and of it self.
Gary: What is?
Old Man A: Her being your girlfriend.
Gary: Why's that?
Old Man A: Well, she allowed me to touch her breast. (He shakes out his hand in pain for a second.)
Gary: She what?
Old Man A: She gave me permission to touch her breast.
Gary: What?!
Old Man A: Oh yeah. Quite firm, young man. You're very lucky. Is her ass as firm as it looks?
Gary: What? (He is confused. It is evident.) Yeah.
Old Man A: Well that's good to hear.
Gary: She let you touch her breast?
Old Man A: Most certainly... (He notices Garys puzzlement.) I'm sorry to be the one to inform you of her behavior. Good evening, young man. (Reaches out his hand to shake Garys. Old Man A gets slowly into his car, starts it up and drives away, Gary still stands with his hand extended. Tony (formerly known as Old Man B) stands near the door to his car.)
Tony: Don't pay no attention to him, kid. He's just drunk. He'll probably wind up in a ditch again on the drive home.
Gary: Did he really touch Lisa...
Tony: I'm afraid so. (Gary still stands with his extended hand.)
Gary: With the one I shook?
Tony: No, with his crippled hand.
Gary: And she let him?
Tony: Well... He asked her if he could touch one of her breasts, you see. Because her breasts are nice, you must admit? (Gary nods.) I mean, all we old men get are dames with breasts hanging down to their ankles. Well she told him that if he touched her breast, she would break his wrist. (Tony shrugs.)
Gary: So...
Tony: So Fred says he'd take the price. He reaches up and gives her breast a firm squeeze, and she takes his hand, slams it on the table, and breaks his wrist.
Gary: Oh my God.
Tony: Well, Fred deserved it. What he did was rather uncalled for.
Gary: Damn...
Tony: What about you, kid. What are you doing out here in the middle of the parking lot on a night like tonight?
Gary: I'm picking Lisa up from work.
Tony: Picking her up? In what? You're just standing in the middle of a parking lot. Do you have a car?
Gary: I have a car.
Tony: Then what are you doing standing in the middle of a parking lot?!
Gary: My friend took my fucking car.
Tony: He what?
Gary: He jumped in my car and took off.
Tony: I would kick the bajeebeez out of him.
Gary: I plan on it.
Tony: Well that's good. You take care of yourself, kid. You have quite a dame. (shakes his head.) Quite a dame. (Tony gets in his car starts it up.)
Gary: See ya later. (Tony waves and drives off. Gary resumes his walk to his parking spot.) Crazy fucking old men. (He reaches his spot and stands around for a while, lighting up another cigarette. He shouts to the world.) Mikey took my fucking car! that fuck!! (He chills out and stands, talking to himself.) Fucking Mikey. Crazy son of a bitch. (He hits his smoke a few times before conversing with the camera.)
Gary: He took my car. He took my fucking car. Can you believe that shit? Mikey has been in and out of trouble ever since his parents died in a highway accident. Three or four cars, but who knows, really. The number changes every time I hear him tell it. I guess it fucked his head up real bad. Too bad, too. He's a smart kid. He gets on my nerves a bit, though. He's a jittery mother fucker. And he's clearly over his parents yet he uses that instance as the ultimate scape goat. True that he didn't begin acting the way that he does until after his parents died... But it don't even bother him anymore. I think that all started when his grandparents started sending him to that shrink. All that doctor did was give the boy points of blame. He taught Mikey to outlet his anguish, which Mikey interprets as criminal acts and excursions. (Pauses to smoke a bit of his cigarette. Thinking.) And don't believe a word that dude tells you. Mikey is a compulsive liar. What did he tell you? I know you talked to him. What did he say? He tell you about the time he slept with Squiges mom? The time he and his girl friend, Tanya robbed a bank without any masks or guns? He acted all nervous about that for a while, but no one ever came for him. How could they not catch Mikey. It's not like you could forget his goofy looking mug. Did he tell you about the time he boned roadkill? That's interesting. He's a sick fucker. Did he tell you about Squiges knick name? Yeah? That's a good one. But I'm pretty sure Squige himself came up with that. His knick name, Squige, is a slang term for the excretement of bodily fluids, namely terds. The story goes that his teacher wouldn't let him take a shit, so Squige dropped his drawers to shit right there. He never really shit on the floor, but his butt came out and he was squatting, but he never actually took that shit. (Lisa has exited the restaurant, she walks towards Gary, unnoticed.) I think he had stage fright. His teacher ended up sending him to the office for indecent exposure. He told the teacher he was stopping in the restroom on the way there. He did get his knick name from that story though. Of course his name was Puke for a while after he puked out the top of the limo at his brothers wedding. (Lisa has reached Gary, whose back is turned to her, still having not noticed her presence.)
Lisa: Who are you talking to? (Gary jumps, a bit startled to find that he is not alone.)
Gary: What? Who? Oh. No one. (Lisa's brow furrows and rights itself)
Lisa: You okay?
Gary: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lisa: The kegs are inside.
Gary: That's good.
Lisa: Where's your side kick?
Gary: Who, Squige? (Lisa smiles.)
Lisa: Yeah.
Gary: Do you notice anything else that's missing, Einstein? (Lisa looks around.)
Lisa: Shit! What happened to your car? I heard the police, did they...
Gary: Mikey stole my fucking car.
Lisa: What?! That little fuck!
Gary: I'm saying...
Lisa: So now what?
Gary: I guess we'll have to stand here and wait.
Lisa: I've been on my feet all day.
Gary: I'm sorry. The situation is beyond my control. Why does Steve have to come?
Lisa: Because he is my friend, and we'll be at my house. Why don't you want him there? (She pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)
Gary: Because he's a cocky bastard and he's going to get his ass beat. (He punches his hand into his open palm.)
Lisa: Just don't talk to him and there'll be no problem.
Gary: It's not that simple. He'll start talking to me, no matter how hard I try to ignore him. Inevitably he'll say something completely asinine, and WHAM!! (Punches the air, stopping upon hitting an imaginary head.)
Lisa: I wish Mikey would get here soon. (A car pulls into the parking lot and heads in their direction. Gary steps forward.)
Gary: Hey! Would you look who it is?! You fucker!! (The car stops beside them as Gary says this, and only now can they see that this is not Garys car. The driver window rolls down and a snobbish, elderly woman looks at Gary.)
Lady: Excuse me? (She seems quite upset.)
Gary: Oh. I'm sorry ma'am. I thought you were someone else.
Lady: Well you shouldn't speak that way to anyone. Weren't you taught any manners? Weren't you brought up right?
Gary: Look. I said I was sorry. I thought you were someone else. Now you can take that or you can leave it.
Lady: You should be ashamed of yourself, you heathen. You should-
Gary: Should what?! Huh?! Rot in hell?! I said I was fucking sorry already, and that's all your fucking getting you senile old bitch! (Lady rolls up her window and we can hear her lock her doors. She drives over to park on an end of the lot far from Gary)
Lisa: Feel better now that that's out of you.
Gary: A little.
Lisa: Did I tell you some old guy grabbed my tit?
Gary: That's some shit.
Lisa: He actually asked me if he could grab it.
Gary: What'd you say?
Lisa: I told him that if he did, I'd break his fucking brittle old wrist.
Gary: So?
Lisa: So he reached up and grabbed a hold of my breast!
Gary: And?
Lisa: And I broke his wrist.
Gary: Hold on... You actually let the old guy touch your boob?
Lisa: I told him I'd break his wrist.
Gary: I can't believe you let an old man grab your breast.
Lisa: I broke his fucking wrist. You can ask Steve about it. He saw the whole thing.
Gary: No thank you. I'd rather not talk to him. I can't understand why you invited him anyway.
Lisa: Do we have to go into this again? (Both breath out a heavy breath and stand in silence. In fast motion, various employees exit the building and get into their cars to leave until all that remains is Gary, Lisa, and one car close to the building. Ted exits the building and approaches the tow of them.)
Ted: I had to move your kegs outside, Lisa. I'm going home for the night. They're right outside the door.
Lisa: All right, Ted. Thanks allot.
Ted: It's no problem. (Looks around.) Do you guys need a ride?
Gary: No, we've got a ride as soon as Mikey returns with my fucking car.
Ted: You're sure he's coming back?
Gary: If he knows what's good for him, he'll be back.
Ted: And if he doesn't?
Gary: Then I'll have to fucking kill him.
Ted: All right then. Goodnight.
Lisa: Night, Ted. Thanks. (Ted gets in his car and drives off, leaving Gary and Lisa alone in the gravel lot.)
Gary: So what time is this arty supposed to start?
Lisa: Ten. (Gary looks at his watch.)
Gary: Mikey has twenty minutes to get us there.
Lisa: I can't believe he would do that.
Gary: Put nothing past Mikey, my love. Nothing.
Lisa: But I didn't think he would take your car.
Gary: Nor did I. He is a dead man when he returns. (The two stand in silence for a while. A car pulls into the lot and reaches them. It is Mikey in Garys car. He parks beside the two of them and gets out, tossing the keys to Gary, who catches them.)
Mikey: So are we going or what?
Gary: You little fuck! What the fuck did you take my car for?
Mikey: You left the keys in it!
Gary: Where the hell did you go?!
Mikey: I went to see Tanya. She says hi. So are we going or what?
Gary: Let's go. (He walks to the driver side and opens the door. Lisa throws what remains of her cigarette to the ground.)
Mikey: I call shotgun.
Gary: Rethink that, Mikey. You stole my fucking car. (Lisa has not made a move toward the car.) Are you coming or not, Lisa?
Lisa: The kegs boys. The kegs.
Gary: Oh yeah. The kegs. Mikey, grab a pony with me. (The two of them walk to the back of the restaurant and return with two pony kegs, Mikey complains as he carries his.)
Mikey: This is fucking cold!
(They load the kegs into the trunk. Lisa gets in shotgun, Mikey in the back, and Gary driving. Gary starts the car.)
Mikey: Are your fingers going to thaw off in time to drive?
Gary: Let's hope so.
Mikey: Those fuckers were cold.
Lisa: They should be. I had Ted throw them in the walk in fridge all day, and the freezer for the last few hours. Less foam for the beer mugs. (Gary throws the car into gear, but his foot remains on the brake.)
Gary: I have to pick Squige up.
Lisa: Well drop me off at my place before you go and get him. I need to take a shower.
Mikey: Man, I'll say.
Lisa: Fuck you, Mikey.
Mikey: God damn, you stink!
Gary: I'll help you with the shower, Lisa.
Lisa: No... You won't. (Car begins to move.)
Mikey: Shit Gary! Crack a window or something! Your girls fumes are getting to me. (He mock gags and coughs as the car drives away an we fade out.)
The sky is black, the stars painted in a brilliant shine against the otherwise dark sky. Gary and Squige sit where the car once was, upon the gravel in the parking lot. Squige drinks from a 40oz beer.
Gary: I can't believe that little fucker took my car! (Squige takes a gulp of it and smiles broadly, looking at the bottle which had but a quarter of it remaining.)
Squige: I can't believe there was enough change in that take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to pay for this booze.
Gary: I'm going to kill that fuck.
Squige: You think he'll be back with it before the kegs are rolled out?
Gary: He better fucking be. (They sit in silence for a while.)
Squige: What time you got, anyway? (Gary looks at his watch.)
Gary: Quarter to nine.
Squige: Shit... (silence ensues.)
Gary: What a little fucker.
Squige: Yeah, man. I don't how we're going to manage without having music to listen to as we sit in the parking lot for five hours waiting for your girl to get off of work. What'd you do anyway, pick me up right after you dropped her off? (We see the back door of the restaurant open and close, indicative of someone exiting the building.)
Gary: Who just came out? (They both stand, peering into the darkness at the shadow which makes its way walking towards them through the parking lots.)
Squige: I don't see what difference it makes.
Gary: Is it Lisa?
Squige: Who the fuck cares, Gary? Even if it is her, what can we do? Chill out as we wait for Mikey to return? Excitement bundled up with uncontrollable romance for the two of you, eh?
Gary: Shut up, Squige. Who is it? (The person is much closer, we can make out a few features. It is Steve, though Gary and Squige do not yet realize it.)
Squige: Man, if that's Lisa she's getting ugly as fuck. (Gary realizes who it is.)
Gary: Shit.
(Steve is upon them, behind him he drags a pony keg on a dolly.)
Steve: You guys are still here?
Gary: Where else would we be?
Steve: I don't know... I figured you'd be where ever your car was. (No reply.) Where is your car, anyway?
Squige: Mikey took it.
Steve: You let Mikey take your car?
Gary: Not exactly, no. The little fucker drove off with it.
Steve: Damn. You going to kick his ass?
Gary: Oh yeah.
Steve: Good. That's what reckless little fucks like that deserve.
Gary: Yeah.
Steve: You guys goin to Lisa's tonight?
Gary: Depends... are you going to be there?
Steve: Undoubtedly. You?
Gary: The chances are slimming even as we speak.
Steve: Well, I'm bringing my pony with me. So there'll be plenty of booze.
Squige: If there's beer there I'm there.
Gary: Is Lisa almost ready?
Steve: Not for a while yet. She's still got a table in there.
Gary: Still?!
Steve: Hey, that's Fat people and the elderly on all you can eat night for you.
Squige: Where you going to right now, Steve?
Steve: Home. I got to take a shower and shit. Party preparation and what not.
Squige: Can you drop me off on the way?
Steve: Yeah I guess so. You got gas money.
Squige: Fuck no I don't. I only live a street over from you.
Steve: No gas money, no ride, my friend.
Squige: You know what? I'll dig out some ass crack lint for you, and you can cash it in. Don't even stop at my house, I'll walk from yours.
Steve: What ever, man. Get in.
Squige: You're damn straight. (Squige gets in the passenger side. Steve opens his trunk and puts the pony keg in. He walks over to the passenger side of his car, where Squige sits.)
Steve: I gotta run this dolly back.
Squige: Do it then. What the hell are standing here talking to me about it for? (Steve walks it back to the restaurant.)
Gary: My God that dude is such an asshole.
Squige: I know.
Gary: Enjoy the ride home.
Squige: Oh I will. Me and him trade meaningful insults back and forth all the time. It's really quite therapeutic. I take all of my anger out on him. Of course, I usually piss him off too much and he gets all red in the face and pissed off. And just when he's about ready to sock me in the jaw, I depart from his company and mock him with others. (Steve is making his way back to the car.)
Gary: Sounds exciting.
Squige: Oh it is. (They sit in silence for a while. Steve returns and hops into the driver side, staring the car.)
Gary: See ya later, Squige. (The car slowly begins to pull out of its spot.)
Squige: Later, man. Tongue your girl up for me.
Gary: Fuck you, Squige. (Gary flips him off as the car drives off. Gary paces alone aimlessly. He pulls out a cigarette and flares it up.) What a weird mother fucker. (shakes his head and smokes his cigarette, when two old drunken men are exiting the pizza shop from the side door. They talk loudly and stumble more than walk to their cars in the parking lot.)
Old Man A: That waitress was a good one. (Their speech is heavily slurred and Gary can hear them from where he stands, arms crossed over his chest.)
Old Man B: I would stick her something fierce. (The two stop and laugh.)
Old Man A: Quite an ass on the dame, too.
Old Man B: And those knockers... (He motions his hands out to represent her breast measure.) Mamma-Me-ah!
Old Man A: I would take that... (Stops at a thought...) That... What was that broads name, Tony?
Old Man B: Her name was Lisa. (The old man licks his lips.)
Old Man A: Why, I would bend that "Lisa" over my Oldsmobile in a heartbeat.
Old Man B: You'd need a good ten Viagra too you old, limp bastard.
Old Man A: Not with those firm little titties staring me in the face.
Old Man B: Horse shit.
Old Man A: Not with those titties in my face, I wouldn't.
Old Man B: Horse shit. (The men reach their cars and stand outside talking.)
Old man A: Those perky titties of hers. I'm telling you, I would bend that bitch sideways and... (Gary screams to them from afar as the old man quietly finishes his statement "I would hump that whore until her eyes bled come.")
Gary: Hey! That's my girlfriend you're talking about!
Old Man B: Huh?!? (They both strain their ears to hear Gary. Gary begins walking towards them.)
Gary: I said that's my girlfriend you're talking about, you old pervert mother fuckers.
Old Man B: Lisa is your girlfriend?
Gary: Yeah.
Old Man A: Is her ass as nice and firm as it looks?
Gary: What? (He stops.)
Old Man A: It's just that it looks rather firm, comfortable beneath the hand. I was just wondering if it felt that way? Because it looks that way.
Gary: What the fuck business is that of yours, you sick mother fucker!?
Old Man A: Jeez, loosen up fella. (Lays a hand on Garys shoulder.) It's just curiosity. I thought you younger generations were keen to this sort of thing.
Gary: But that's my girlfriend you're talking about.
Old Man A: That's peculiar in and of it self.
Gary: What is?
Old Man A: Her being your girlfriend.
Gary: Why's that?
Old Man A: Well, she allowed me to touch her breast. (He shakes out his hand in pain for a second.)
Gary: She what?
Old Man A: She gave me permission to touch her breast.
Gary: What?!
Old Man A: Oh yeah. Quite firm, young man. You're very lucky. Is her ass as firm as it looks?
Gary: What? (He is confused. It is evident.) Yeah.
Old Man A: Well that's good to hear.
Gary: She let you touch her breast?
Old Man A: Most certainly... (He notices Garys puzzlement.) I'm sorry to be the one to inform you of her behavior. Good evening, young man. (Reaches out his hand to shake Garys. Old Man A gets slowly into his car, starts it up and drives away, Gary still stands with his hand extended. Tony (formerly known as Old Man B) stands near the door to his car.)
Tony: Don't pay no attention to him, kid. He's just drunk. He'll probably wind up in a ditch again on the drive home.
Gary: Did he really touch Lisa...
Tony: I'm afraid so. (Gary still stands with his extended hand.)
Gary: With the one I shook?
Tony: No, with his crippled hand.
Gary: And she let him?
Tony: Well... He asked her if he could touch one of her breasts, you see. Because her breasts are nice, you must admit? (Gary nods.) I mean, all we old men get are dames with breasts hanging down to their ankles. Well she told him that if he touched her breast, she would break his wrist. (Tony shrugs.)
Gary: So...
Tony: So Fred says he'd take the price. He reaches up and gives her breast a firm squeeze, and she takes his hand, slams it on the table, and breaks his wrist.
Gary: Oh my God.
Tony: Well, Fred deserved it. What he did was rather uncalled for.
Gary: Damn...
Tony: What about you, kid. What are you doing out here in the middle of the parking lot on a night like tonight?
Gary: I'm picking Lisa up from work.
Tony: Picking her up? In what? You're just standing in the middle of a parking lot. Do you have a car?
Gary: I have a car.
Tony: Then what are you doing standing in the middle of a parking lot?!
Gary: My friend took my fucking car.
Tony: He what?
Gary: He jumped in my car and took off.
Tony: I would kick the bajeebeez out of him.
Gary: I plan on it.
Tony: Well that's good. You take care of yourself, kid. You have quite a dame. (shakes his head.) Quite a dame. (Tony gets in his car starts it up.)
Gary: See ya later. (Tony waves and drives off. Gary resumes his walk to his parking spot.) Crazy fucking old men. (He reaches his spot and stands around for a while, lighting up another cigarette. He shouts to the world.) Mikey took my fucking car! that fuck!! (He chills out and stands, talking to himself.) Fucking Mikey. Crazy son of a bitch. (He hits his smoke a few times before conversing with the camera.)
Gary: He took my car. He took my fucking car. Can you believe that shit? Mikey has been in and out of trouble ever since his parents died in a highway accident. Three or four cars, but who knows, really. The number changes every time I hear him tell it. I guess it fucked his head up real bad. Too bad, too. He's a smart kid. He gets on my nerves a bit, though. He's a jittery mother fucker. And he's clearly over his parents yet he uses that instance as the ultimate scape goat. True that he didn't begin acting the way that he does until after his parents died... But it don't even bother him anymore. I think that all started when his grandparents started sending him to that shrink. All that doctor did was give the boy points of blame. He taught Mikey to outlet his anguish, which Mikey interprets as criminal acts and excursions. (Pauses to smoke a bit of his cigarette. Thinking.) And don't believe a word that dude tells you. Mikey is a compulsive liar. What did he tell you? I know you talked to him. What did he say? He tell you about the time he slept with Squiges mom? The time he and his girl friend, Tanya robbed a bank without any masks or guns? He acted all nervous about that for a while, but no one ever came for him. How could they not catch Mikey. It's not like you could forget his goofy looking mug. Did he tell you about the time he boned roadkill? That's interesting. He's a sick fucker. Did he tell you about Squiges knick name? Yeah? That's a good one. But I'm pretty sure Squige himself came up with that. His knick name, Squige, is a slang term for the excretement of bodily fluids, namely terds. The story goes that his teacher wouldn't let him take a shit, so Squige dropped his drawers to shit right there. He never really shit on the floor, but his butt came out and he was squatting, but he never actually took that shit. (Lisa has exited the restaurant, she walks towards Gary, unnoticed.) I think he had stage fright. His teacher ended up sending him to the office for indecent exposure. He told the teacher he was stopping in the restroom on the way there. He did get his knick name from that story though. Of course his name was Puke for a while after he puked out the top of the limo at his brothers wedding. (Lisa has reached Gary, whose back is turned to her, still having not noticed her presence.)
Lisa: Who are you talking to? (Gary jumps, a bit startled to find that he is not alone.)
Gary: What? Who? Oh. No one. (Lisa's brow furrows and rights itself)
Lisa: You okay?
Gary: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lisa: The kegs are inside.
Gary: That's good.
Lisa: Where's your side kick?
Gary: Who, Squige? (Lisa smiles.)
Lisa: Yeah.
Gary: Do you notice anything else that's missing, Einstein? (Lisa looks around.)
Lisa: Shit! What happened to your car? I heard the police, did they...
Gary: Mikey stole my fucking car.
Lisa: What?! That little fuck!
Gary: I'm saying...
Lisa: So now what?
Gary: I guess we'll have to stand here and wait.
Lisa: I've been on my feet all day.
Gary: I'm sorry. The situation is beyond my control. Why does Steve have to come?
Lisa: Because he is my friend, and we'll be at my house. Why don't you want him there? (She pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)
Gary: Because he's a cocky bastard and he's going to get his ass beat. (He punches his hand into his open palm.)
Lisa: Just don't talk to him and there'll be no problem.
Gary: It's not that simple. He'll start talking to me, no matter how hard I try to ignore him. Inevitably he'll say something completely asinine, and WHAM!! (Punches the air, stopping upon hitting an imaginary head.)
Lisa: I wish Mikey would get here soon. (A car pulls into the parking lot and heads in their direction. Gary steps forward.)
Gary: Hey! Would you look who it is?! You fucker!! (The car stops beside them as Gary says this, and only now can they see that this is not Garys car. The driver window rolls down and a snobbish, elderly woman looks at Gary.)
Lady: Excuse me? (She seems quite upset.)
Gary: Oh. I'm sorry ma'am. I thought you were someone else.
Lady: Well you shouldn't speak that way to anyone. Weren't you taught any manners? Weren't you brought up right?
Gary: Look. I said I was sorry. I thought you were someone else. Now you can take that or you can leave it.
Lady: You should be ashamed of yourself, you heathen. You should-
Gary: Should what?! Huh?! Rot in hell?! I said I was fucking sorry already, and that's all your fucking getting you senile old bitch! (Lady rolls up her window and we can hear her lock her doors. She drives over to park on an end of the lot far from Gary)
Lisa: Feel better now that that's out of you.
Gary: A little.
Lisa: Did I tell you some old guy grabbed my tit?
Gary: That's some shit.
Lisa: He actually asked me if he could grab it.
Gary: What'd you say?
Lisa: I told him that if he did, I'd break his fucking brittle old wrist.
Gary: So?
Lisa: So he reached up and grabbed a hold of my breast!
Gary: And?
Lisa: And I broke his wrist.
Gary: Hold on... You actually let the old guy touch your boob?
Lisa: I told him I'd break his wrist.
Gary: I can't believe you let an old man grab your breast.
Lisa: I broke his fucking wrist. You can ask Steve about it. He saw the whole thing.
Gary: No thank you. I'd rather not talk to him. I can't understand why you invited him anyway.
Lisa: Do we have to go into this again? (Both breath out a heavy breath and stand in silence. In fast motion, various employees exit the building and get into their cars to leave until all that remains is Gary, Lisa, and one car close to the building. Ted exits the building and approaches the tow of them.)
Ted: I had to move your kegs outside, Lisa. I'm going home for the night. They're right outside the door.
Lisa: All right, Ted. Thanks allot.
Ted: It's no problem. (Looks around.) Do you guys need a ride?
Gary: No, we've got a ride as soon as Mikey returns with my fucking car.
Ted: You're sure he's coming back?
Gary: If he knows what's good for him, he'll be back.
Ted: And if he doesn't?
Gary: Then I'll have to fucking kill him.
Ted: All right then. Goodnight.
Lisa: Night, Ted. Thanks. (Ted gets in his car and drives off, leaving Gary and Lisa alone in the gravel lot.)
Gary: So what time is this arty supposed to start?
Lisa: Ten. (Gary looks at his watch.)
Gary: Mikey has twenty minutes to get us there.
Lisa: I can't believe he would do that.
Gary: Put nothing past Mikey, my love. Nothing.
Lisa: But I didn't think he would take your car.
Gary: Nor did I. He is a dead man when he returns. (The two stand in silence for a while. A car pulls into the lot and reaches them. It is Mikey in Garys car. He parks beside the two of them and gets out, tossing the keys to Gary, who catches them.)
Mikey: So are we going or what?
Gary: You little fuck! What the fuck did you take my car for?
Mikey: You left the keys in it!
Gary: Where the hell did you go?!
Mikey: I went to see Tanya. She says hi. So are we going or what?
Gary: Let's go. (He walks to the driver side and opens the door. Lisa throws what remains of her cigarette to the ground.)
Mikey: I call shotgun.
Gary: Rethink that, Mikey. You stole my fucking car. (Lisa has not made a move toward the car.) Are you coming or not, Lisa?
Lisa: The kegs boys. The kegs.
Gary: Oh yeah. The kegs. Mikey, grab a pony with me. (The two of them walk to the back of the restaurant and return with two pony kegs, Mikey complains as he carries his.)
Mikey: This is fucking cold!
(They load the kegs into the trunk. Lisa gets in shotgun, Mikey in the back, and Gary driving. Gary starts the car.)
Mikey: Are your fingers going to thaw off in time to drive?
Gary: Let's hope so.
Mikey: Those fuckers were cold.
Lisa: They should be. I had Ted throw them in the walk in fridge all day, and the freezer for the last few hours. Less foam for the beer mugs. (Gary throws the car into gear, but his foot remains on the brake.)
Gary: I have to pick Squige up.
Lisa: Well drop me off at my place before you go and get him. I need to take a shower.
Mikey: Man, I'll say.
Lisa: Fuck you, Mikey.
Mikey: God damn, you stink!
Gary: I'll help you with the shower, Lisa.
Lisa: No... You won't. (Car begins to move.)
Mikey: Shit Gary! Crack a window or something! Your girls fumes are getting to me. (He mock gags and coughs as the car drives away an we fade out.)