Mr. Wiggles Big Adventures (Not a Childrens Story)
But just as your about to desecrate your body you notice a thought provoking article in the Playboy. This will mark the first time you, or any other male for that matter, has ever actually read something in this magazine. The article goes a little something like this...
I think we all can agree that masturbation is not a laughing matter. Of all the societal ills that plague 21st century America, masturbation (or as the kids call it, 'jacking off' or 'spanking one's monkey' or 'beating one's meat') ranks among one of the deadliest and most widespread dilemmas facing our nation. Professor Courson of Harvard University summed up this epidemic best at a convention last summer concerning this pressing subject. "Don't do that," he said to a crowd of students and fellow academia. "You'll go blind."
This has never been so true. The United States Bureau of Self Gratification Enforcement, or USBSGE, recently formed under the Bush administration, released a report not long ago detailing just how integrated into the minds of our youth this perversive practice has become. In a poll conducted of young males between the ages of 14-25, an appalling 75% of those surveyed admitted to touching themselves inappropriately within the last month. Even more shocking, fully 99% of those who had conducted this sinful act confessed to not washing their hands afterwards. But this isn't a problem that affects only males. In a startling turn of events, the same pollsters found that 65% of girls between the ages of 14-25 had pleasured themselves with a wide range of inanimate objects within the last year. Some battery-powered, some not (the objects, not the girls). One girl from Lakeland Florida, who chose to remain anonymous, even described how an item as simple as an innocent cucumber could be abused to induce the dreaded 'O' word.
So what is being done about all of this? The sad truth is - not much. And with the country so starkly divided along partisan lines, it's unlikely the legislation put forward by Sen. Kinky Pinkerton of New Hampshire (D) will go anywhere. Therefore, it's up to individual citizens to take a stand and admonish those who engage themselves in this utterly foul practice. 'But how?' - you ask. Here's a few suggestions: Tell them they're naughty and SPANK them. Spank them! Spank them! Spank them! If this, in turn, only arouses them more - SPANK THEM HARDER! And make sure you call them 'naughty' plenty of times. And 'dirty' too. Spank them and call them naughty, dirty boys and girls!
If they are of the Christian persuasion, be sure to quote John 3:19: '...and Jesus said, "Yea, verily I say unto you - he who manipulates his no-no place and shamefully spills his seed upon the Earth shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. And truly it shall come to pass that hair will grow upon their palms, and the birds will feast upon their eyes, and the dogs will tear their bodies apart from limb to limb." Thus saith the Lord.' There are other dissuasive tactics as well. For instance, have sex with them. Or, hire a prostitute to have sex with them. Hell, hire several prostitutes! It's a surefire means to get them to quit....doing THAT to themselves and instead do THAT to someone else.
So, in conclusion, we all must shoulder the burden of responsibility when it comes to this and various other threats we face as a whole. In an age of global terrorism and sliced bread, we must all come together for the same grand cause. And remember, crying isn't going to free me. Goobak ark melork!
Hmmm. Weird article.
I think we all can agree that masturbation is not a laughing matter. Of all the societal ills that plague 21st century America, masturbation (or as the kids call it, 'jacking off' or 'spanking one's monkey' or 'beating one's meat') ranks among one of the deadliest and most widespread dilemmas facing our nation. Professor Courson of Harvard University summed up this epidemic best at a convention last summer concerning this pressing subject. "Don't do that," he said to a crowd of students and fellow academia. "You'll go blind."
This has never been so true. The United States Bureau of Self Gratification Enforcement, or USBSGE, recently formed under the Bush administration, released a report not long ago detailing just how integrated into the minds of our youth this perversive practice has become. In a poll conducted of young males between the ages of 14-25, an appalling 75% of those surveyed admitted to touching themselves inappropriately within the last month. Even more shocking, fully 99% of those who had conducted this sinful act confessed to not washing their hands afterwards. But this isn't a problem that affects only males. In a startling turn of events, the same pollsters found that 65% of girls between the ages of 14-25 had pleasured themselves with a wide range of inanimate objects within the last year. Some battery-powered, some not (the objects, not the girls). One girl from Lakeland Florida, who chose to remain anonymous, even described how an item as simple as an innocent cucumber could be abused to induce the dreaded 'O' word.
So what is being done about all of this? The sad truth is - not much. And with the country so starkly divided along partisan lines, it's unlikely the legislation put forward by Sen. Kinky Pinkerton of New Hampshire (D) will go anywhere. Therefore, it's up to individual citizens to take a stand and admonish those who engage themselves in this utterly foul practice. 'But how?' - you ask. Here's a few suggestions: Tell them they're naughty and SPANK them. Spank them! Spank them! Spank them! If this, in turn, only arouses them more - SPANK THEM HARDER! And make sure you call them 'naughty' plenty of times. And 'dirty' too. Spank them and call them naughty, dirty boys and girls!
If they are of the Christian persuasion, be sure to quote John 3:19: '...and Jesus said, "Yea, verily I say unto you - he who manipulates his no-no place and shamefully spills his seed upon the Earth shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. And truly it shall come to pass that hair will grow upon their palms, and the birds will feast upon their eyes, and the dogs will tear their bodies apart from limb to limb." Thus saith the Lord.' There are other dissuasive tactics as well. For instance, have sex with them. Or, hire a prostitute to have sex with them. Hell, hire several prostitutes! It's a surefire means to get them to quit....doing THAT to themselves and instead do THAT to someone else.
So, in conclusion, we all must shoulder the burden of responsibility when it comes to this and various other threats we face as a whole. In an age of global terrorism and sliced bread, we must all come together for the same grand cause. And remember, crying isn't going to free me. Goobak ark melork!
Hmmm. Weird article.