Mystic Elevator
Comments & Ratings
| Author | Rating | Date | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|
Pelyphin |
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Mar 4, 2015 | |
donteatpoop |
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Mar 25, 2014 | "This story is so odd, yet so awesome. The portal to a new world is pretty much a dead, battered horse by now… but I don’t mind seeing it again, because the jaded white-collar guy makes it interesting. It’s also unusual (from what I’ve seen) to have a magical world be so twisted and dark- but then, given that you’re the author, I’m not at all surprised. I did appreciate how the story moves into three different paths based on the central story concept, based on your initial choices. One for the evil entering his world, one for him entering the evil’s world after it has taken hold, and one for him taking the place of his lizard counterpart. It’s a nice variety, and it makes for almost three completely different stories. I would have liked to have seen more about the Elevator Illuminati type organization that was hinted at, but perhaps that’s a part of the unwritten sections. And, of course, I simply must comment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle style of page titles. It’s a nice injection of humor- especially amidst the sections of the story that are otherwise completely dark, gruesome, and devoid of hope." "Your grammar is pretty good. Not quite as good as Usoki’s; MRH would probably give you a 5 or something, but that’s still high. “Mystic Elevator” is a good piece all around, but the grammar is better than I expected (of course, the stories of yours I’m thinking of are all pretty dated). You lose some points for Plot/Creativity. If the elevator theme hasn’t been done outright before, there are plenty of variants (I felt a little HOID in there), and they aren’t your garden variety flesh-eating zombies, but the monsters don’t particularly stand out, either. It is very well-written, though, and you come off better for that in the Plot category than you otherwise would’ve. This story really shines in terms of its ambience. I got a deliciously creepy vibe as I read through it, and your Enjoyment rating earns a few points just for that. You put a lot of effort into the details; I like the repeated references to the ten extra minutes, the sarcastic flavor, and the raw treatment of office life. You earn an additional two tenths of a point for the AMM nostalgia reference, and your description of the Scottish stout (that, and it’s a good excuse to mess with Ryan’s head). The phrase “metal spoon” is an odd personal favorite of mine, so I’m glad that got in there, intentionally or otherwise. I love how oblivious you are to the whole thing throughout (office building daze, I guesss). You seem to have a pessimistic view of society (epitomized in the character of Joe and the firing of the security guard), like myself, and I sympathize. You might like Thomas Dish’s story “Descending,” as it has similar overtones in some ways (probably online somewhere). “You walk over to the brown haired, average looking and average sized Jim and try to figure out what the hell his deal is. You go for the direct approach. “What’s your deal?” You ask.” " "This was my favorite story entered. I liked how there are three different sub-stories that all seem way different. Especially the twilight zone stuff in the white-collar setting was cool. And I liked the "joke about fellatio" part. All the humor was good. I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, but without those, this story really was almost perfect. Hopefully it will take the win." |
| donteatpoop |
|
Mar 25, 2014 | "I can't find much to criticize about it other than I got more of a horror vibe from it rather than an urban fantasy one. Other than that it's a solid story." "I like where this was going, but none of the endings were particularly satisfying. The office branch is my favorite, as well as the most fleshed-out, and I’d like to see more of what happens after the main character joins up with Johnson to go undercover. Overall, there’s some lack of clarity about what’s going on and who these people from the alternate dimension are or why the main character is thought to be dead (I guess his double who’s native to the alt. universe was killed). Nonetheless, it was very fun to read and I’m confident that expanding on it later will lead to more explanations and more substantial story arcs." "This had the hallmarks of a story that can have you doubting which is the character’s true reality by the time the plot runs its course, one that starts to get you thinking. In particular I liked the narrative style. It flowed well and was a pleasure to read. I liked the plot. The path where the hero goes to work and takes the elevator up was the most intriguing and in my opinion the most well developed. The foreshadowing worked well, and the way things gradually got a little bit weirder with each choice really built up the tension. There were three distinctly different paths (that I found), and what interested me was how and each had its own separate mood and narrative style. It really felt like these were three completely separate stories. I had the feeling, however, that the Down elevator and the Stay at Home stories were a little rushed, but have the potential to shine through with a little TLC." |
| donteatpoop |
|
Mar 25, 2014 | "The writing style is distracting at times, sometimes there were lots of unnecessary words, could have used a second-read over. Just as I was getting into it, there was an abrupt end and I never felt any kind of resolution." "It seems like I remember reading part of this somewhere before, but either way I really enjoyed it, even though it felt more like a 28 Days Later inspired thing that actual 'Urban Fantasy'. Though, I guess zombies are technically fantasy too, so...uh, nevermind. The writing was good, I especially liked the little bit of humor tossed in the intro chapters before everything went to hell. I happen to like traditional zombie stories, and several scenes were nicely creepy, but (and I feel like I'm saying this in my comments for pretty much EVERY story) both main paths felt like they got cut off by the deadline just as they started to really get going. I hope you decide to continue this sometime." |
YaoiBloodhound |
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Apr 17, 2013 | |
| donteatpoop |
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Oct 20, 2011 | |
| TheCandyMan |
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Apr 25, 2011 | |
| TheCandyMan |
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Apr 25, 2011 | |