Comments & Ratings
||Oct 13, 2013|
||Apr 20, 2012||If you going to make options then make it so you can actually use them.|
||Feb 23, 2012||
- Not bad. A lot of grammar and/or editing issues.|
- I like Star Wars. Not too knowledgeable about it, but I like it. I liked episodes 3-6; 1 & 2 sucked balls. But really the original three were the best. I’m not just saying that for the sake of nostalgia either, the new ones (the prequels) were just trying too hard to recapture the excitement of the last three, and were just too grandiose.
- What worked so well for the original series was the intimacy we had with the characters, they were all easy to identify with (at least with the ‘good guys’); and thus gained the audiences sympathies. The prequels just seemed to focus on making sure that we knew Anakin/Vader and the other Jedi’s were badass mother fuckers. Well, we know that already. Explaining that a Jedi is a badass is redundant. The other thing the original series did better was have the characters react to the plot, rather than the plot depending on the characters. I’d say it’s just me, but I know it’s not.
- I suspect a lot of the people who instinctively claim the original is better are predominantly speaking from a nostalgia standpoint; but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I literally HATED episode one and was bored during episode two and episode three was… It was okay. I think the only thing I really liked about it was seeing Yoda kick some ass.
- Anyway, as for your story…
- This paragraph needs broken up and spread out of the giant cluster that it is: While you were talking to some new friends the sergeant walked to you. "Congratulations private". She said. "Thanks mam". You answered. "You know what, we need someone like you at our front lines". "Wouldn't I get killed"? "Doesn't matter, we're going to send you to Kashyyyk". "Why Kashyyyk, ain't that place just a big forest"? "Yes, but it is a big forest with strong Wookies, Wookies would made excellent slaves". "I'm guessing I have no choice". "Pretty much, now go"!
- You have to work on following this rule. Though there are a few exceptions to it, none of them applied to your story. Here is the rule: Whenever someone speaks, unless it is a continuation of thought; a new paragraph begins.
- Rooms are very short and lacking in content. Add some description. “After a lengthy battle the Republic managed to destroy the Sith Battle Cruisers.” To me, that was a wasted opportunity. Provide some details of the battle, make it exciting. Just “there was a battle and you lost, escape pods are starting up” makes it boring.
- “Because their marriage is forbidden you never left your house which means you never made any friends.” Why was their marriage forbidden? A brief explanation on this, and other similar aspects of your story, would add new depth to your narrative. Another instance: “Well alright, just wait till all these Younglings are done.” So you waited. These Younglings definitely have potential. Finally it's your turn.’ Well what the hell happened? Either give a brief description as to what the Younglings did (highlight one of them that stands out or something) or don’t even mention them.
- Here’s another one that I found really lacking: The choice that lead here was to become Master Zaroff’s apprentice -> "That's why I'm here". You said. Master Zaroff smiled, took out his hand, you grabbed it, and he helped you up. Couple weeks later you were given the rank of Padawan, would have been sooner if the Council wasn't focused on the war. That was it? That was the whole training. That would be like Luke Skywalker going to train under Yoda but never actually meeting Yoda or seeing any of the shit that happened on that little swamp planet. You ripping the reader off, man. Makes me wonder why the choice to become an apprentice is even there since there was nothing to read about the training or whatever.
- You are in need of some serious editing. This came from a single paragraph but there are more like this riddled throughout your story: You did that at ease. Next was to pull them towards you. To easy. Should be ‘you did it with ease. The next task was to pull them toward you. It was too easy.’ Even if you stick with your sentence structure (lacking though it sometimes is), you should be able to distinguish between ‘to, too, and two’; and doing thing WITH ease, not ‘at’ ease… That makes less sense than a polar bear licking peanut butter off of my balls. (which did NOT happen no matter what you've heard in the media.)
-Was going to give it a 5, but there are a LOT of rooms, so I gave you an extra point.
||Nov 29, 2011|