Fun Day!

Written by Leah1597 / PG: Parental Guidance Suggested /

(9)

Comments & Ratings

Author	Rating	Date	Comment
TheCandyMan		Jul 25, 2011	... by TheCandyMan on Jul 25, 2011
Leah1597		Jul 23, 2011	Hey I came back to the site and added an actual decent room. Go to the park and click on swing for the new room. :) I'm 14 now, (i was 12 when i first wrote it) so it should be better. :) by Leah1597 on Jul 23, 2011
TyCamden		Jul 9, 2009	by TyCamden on Jul 9, 2009
ChubbyTeletubby		Jun 7, 2009	The 'Dollar General' reference was brilliant. My roommate bought a digital clock radio there. Within a week it was 5 hours ahead of where it should be. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. Instead, he just leaves it running. I think once every two weeks it IS actually dead-on. Anyway, you're twelve. Nicely done for twelve. Therefore, I give you a solid five. Keep reading and writing! Oh, and stop rating DEP's stories so low. Or at least offer a coherent reason as to why you rated him so low. Around here he is a respected writer, and for good cause. by ChubbyTeletubby on Jun 7, 2009
KatieWroteIt		Jun 2, 2009	You have a sense of humor, and I like that. The robot beginning was rather creative. All of my points are yours for those reasons. Overall I didn't care for the story, but as a writer I'm sure you have potential. by KatieWroteIt on Jun 2, 2009
donteatpoop		Jun 2, 2009	This story was pathetic. I realize that your protagonist was supposed to be pathetic; but the writing didn't have to be. Where do I start with a critique on this one? Stories have a few basic elements, one of which is called a plot. Try and develop one of these before attempting to write a story, it should pretty much be the first step. Character development. This story had none. In fact it only had one character, really. Unless you count a kid that laughs at you or a lady at a store who somehow marries you. Try and actually write a room or two in your story. One or two sentences does not count as writing. Maybe you should start with reading though. Pick up a book or two, read them in their entirety, then try to write like that. Shit, even "see dick run, run dick run" had a more elaborate plotline and writing structure than this crap. Terrible story. The only saving grace was that I could actually read what you wrote. Picking little words was a safe bet. by donteatpoop on Jun 2, 2009
Calen		Apr 5, 2009	It doesn't develop enough. I don't feel myself having enough 'fun' for it to be considered an overload. Like the others said, keep working on writing, and you'll improve. Good luck :) by Calen on Apr 5, 2009
apotheosis		Mar 9, 2009	Trite and bromidic. by apotheosis on Mar 9, 2009
YazZMaN		Mar 8, 2009	No, not kinda funny. Not. You've got brains, dude, and that usually means you've got writing potential as well -- you need to put more work into it is all. Make longer rooms, for a start. Often, the rest will come naturally. by YazZMaN on Mar 8, 2009
dami5864697		Mar 8, 2009	Wow kinda funny. by dami5864697 on Mar 8, 2009