Comments & Ratings
|This is quite bad.|
This one was better than your other story, but still needs a lot of work. |
I'm assuming you're new to the writing world, and that's OK -- you just need to get experience by reading and writing whenver you get the chance.
The only thing I can think to point out for this story, that wasn't covered in my last rating, is the scene in the beginning of the story where you describe a group of kids "ages 8 to 21" or something like that. I know it probably looks like you're doing good by being specific, but you're a lot better off writing something like "a group of teenagers" or "a group of young people of all ages" -- neither of those two example are great, but I think you get the idea. Listing exact ages like that doesn't help anyone except scientists.
Being too specific will push the reader out of the story; you have to allow people (a little) space to use their imaginations. Besides, something like "middle aged kids" gives us a much quicker and clearer image in the end, don't you think?
If you're interested in findng some quality stories on here, I'd reccomend:
- Anything by ChubbyTeletubby (as long as you don't get offended easily)
- Anything by Donteatpoop
- EndMaster's "Necromancer" (he's got some other good ones, but I can't think of the names right now)
- Dragavan's "From Darkness it Comes"
There's a lot more good stories on here, but those are the ones that come to mind.
|this is so cool, it is also very emotianal at the end. The coices in the story are seemingly neverending!|