CRACK ATTACK!

Comments & Ratings

by Thickskullman on May 26, 2013
I didnt laugh so hard in a long long long time.I give it a 10 its easily one of the most hillarious stories on this site.Everyone who gave this story a 1 are fucking idiots.
by Artazansss on Nov 12, 2011
Hahahaha. Awesome. It's like you've had experience or something with drugs and crap, it's a great story with well put effort and the humor is priceless, I love the plot, you've captured the point perfectly, the character being a crackhead and all, it's one of the only stories that can be random, but funny at the same time and not make you feel uncomfortable or awkward. Great story.
by TheCandyMan on May 21, 2011
AWSOME yet sexy!
by emily77 on Jun 24, 2009
by Loverfli on Nov 21, 2008
Forgot to rate this. Here's your ten for the accurate portrayal of Crackheads.

Let it be known to all who read this piece of literature that this story was written not for fame, or glory and definitely not for money.

No, this story was written...

FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
by EndMaster on Jan 4, 2008
by TyCamden on Feb 17, 2007
This made for a good story. And It was entertaining and funny. Even more so, If you know or at least know of any crack-heads. I'm amazed at how well this describes them.

I can't even find the words to say how funny this is. I hope to see more like it.

Again, Thanks for the laugh.
by GuiltyGearX on Dec 13, 2006
Absolutely wonderful. Hilarious, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Great story, definitely one for the kids. Absolutely brilliant, mangofox should get raped for rating you a 1. Nuff said.
by apotheosis on Nov 27, 2006
It is impossible to describe how much I love this story. Bravo.
by Drewc91 on Nov 25, 2006
This story is bad for my asthma
I can't breathe, I can't.....
Gurgle gaaaaasp gurgle gurgle

*Dies laughing*
by Vesnicie on Nov 25, 2006
Chubbyness is next to.... well, not Godlyness, much better than God.... mabey.... Chubbyness?
by Leblanc4prez on Sep 7, 2006
by mangofox on Jul 6, 2006
"Under The Influence"
(feat. D-12)

[Eminem]
Translation
So you can suck my dick if you don't like, my shit
Cause I was high when I wrote this so suck, my dick - ha ha!
Two pills I pop, 'til my pupils swell up like two pennies
I'm Clint Eastwood in his mid-twenties
A young ass man with a trash can strapped to the back of his ass
so the rats can't chew through his last pants
I'm like a mummy at night, fightin with bright lightning
Frightened with five little white Vicadin pills bitin him
I'm like a fuckin wasp in the hospital lost
Stingin the fuck outta everything I come across in the halls
I light a candle and place it up on the mantle
Grab a knife at the blade and stab you with the fuckin handle
So when you find yourself wrapped up in the blinds, hurtin
[Swifty] Bitch it's too late
[Eminem] Cause once you're hung from the drapes, it's curtains

[Swifty]
I'm an instigator, .380 slug penetrator
Degradin, creatin murders to kill haters
Accused for every crime known through the equator
They knew I did it (uh-huh) for havin blood on my 'gators
My weed'll hit yo' chest like a double barrel gauge an'
I'm a black grenade that'll blow up in yo' face [*BLAM*]
With a fifth in me, when I guzzle Remi I do shit on purpose
You never hear me say, "Forgive me"
I'm snatchin every penny - it gotta be that way nigga, face it
That weed I sold to you, Brigade laced it
You hidin, I make the president get a facelift
Niggaz just afraid, handin me they bracelets
Chillin in the lab wasted
I'm the type that'll drink Kahlua and gin - throw up on the mic
Your life is ruined, you get socked right on site
And even at the Million Man March, we gon' fight

[Chorus: Eminem]

So you can suck my dick if you don't like, my shit
Cause I was high when I wrote this so suck, my dick
Cause I don't give a fuck if you don't like, my shit
Cause I was high when I wrote this so suck, my dick

[Bizarre]
I'm a compulsive liar, settin my preacher on fire
Slashin your tires, flyin down Fenkel and Meyers
Plates expired, soon as I'm hired, I'm fired
Jackin my dick off in a bed of barbed wire
(Hey, is Bizarre performing?) Bitch didn't you read the flyer?
Special invited guest will be, Richard Pryor
(Aren't you a male dancer?) Nah bitch, I'm retired
Fuckin your bitch in the ass with a tire iron
I'm ripped, I'm on an acid trip
My DJ's in a coma for lettin the record skip.. [*needle pops*]
Lettin the record skip.. [*needle pops*]
Lettin the record skip.. [*needle pops*] (Damn!)
[*DJ reverses the record and scratches it back on beat*]
I'm fuckin anything when I'm snortin
It's gonna cost 300 dollars to get my pit bull an abortion
[*dog whines*] Some bitch asked for my autograph
I called her a whore, spit beer in her face and laughed
I drop bombs like I was in Vietnam
All bitches is hoes, even my stinkin ass mom

[Proof]
Aiyyo flashback, two feets, two deep up in that ass crack
Weed laced with somethin [*gun cocks*] nigga pass that
In Amsterdam we only hang out with hash rats
At a 'Stop the Violence' rally, I blast gats
Be your mom on publishin, get your ASCAP-ped
The Kuniva, divide up your cash stack
Run your motherfuckin pockets, ASAP
I don't need a platinum chain, bitch I snatch Shaq's
Born loser, half theif and half black
Bring your boys and your guns and get laughed at
Bitch smacker, rich rappers get they Jag jacked
and found chopped up in a trash bag

[Kuniva]
We stranglin rappers until the point they can't yell
cause they crew is full of fags and sweeter than bake sales
Reckless, come from behind and snatch your necklace
Gruesome, and causin more violence than nine hoodlums
I grapple your adam's apple until it crackle
Run right past you, turn around, grab you and stab you
Get executed, cuz I'm a "Luni"
I got a "Yukmouth" and it's polluted
I cock it back then shoot it
I love snatchin up players thugs and young ballers
Shoot up the household, even the young toddlers
Brigade barricade to bring the noise
While the bullets break your bones up like Christmas toys
If I go solo, I'm doin a song with Bolo
A big Chinese nigga, screamin "Kuniva yo yo.."
I leave ya face leakin, run up in church
and smack the preacher while he's preachin
Take a swing at the deacon

[Kon Artis]
I used to tell cats I sold weed and weight
I was straight 'til I got caught sellin em shake
I'm ignorant, with the intent to snatch your rent
I got kicked out of summer camp for havin sex in my tent
with the superintendent's daughter, my brain's out of order
I've been a Kon Artis since I was swimmin in water
In cahoots with this nigga named Carlisle Von
who got fired from UPS for tryin to send you a bomb
(Special delivery!) I signed to a local label for fun
Say I got cancer, get dropped, take the advancement and run
Driveby you in the rain while you carry your son
Call your house and hang up on you for not givin me none
Born straight up out a pussy but a son of a gun
Got a reputation for havin niggaz runnin they funds
Used to be the type of nigga that was foldin some one's
'til I met your fat mama, now I'm rollin in dough

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
Haha.. suck my motherfuckin dick
D-12.. Dirty motherfuckin Dozen
Nasty like a stank slut bitch with thirty fuckin husbands
Bizarre kid
Swifty McVeigh
The Kon Artis
The Kuniva
Dirty Harry
Haha, and Slim Shady..
by ChubbyTeletubby on May 23, 2006
Apparently I didn't have to cheat the ten.
by donteatpoop on Apr 26, 2006
[Mr. Mackey] (Eric Cartman)
And everyone should get along..
Okay children quiet down, quiet down
Children I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day
His name is Mr. Shady
Children quiet down please
Brian don't throw that (SHUT UP!)
Mr. Shady will be your new substitute
while Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia (HE'S GOT AIDS!)
Good luck Mr. Shady

[Eminem]
Hi there little boys and girls (FUCK YOU!)
Today we're gonna to learn how to poison squirrels
But first, I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (Huh?)
Say hi Bob! ("Hi Bob") Bob's 30 and still lives with his mom
and he don't got a job, cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot
but his twelve-year old brother looks up to him an awful lot
And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot
and wait in the parkin lot for waitresses off the clock
when it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog
Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping blocks (AHH!)
And even if they escaped and they got the cops
the ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge
'til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job
when she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk
But Stacey knew it was Bob and said knock it off
But Bob wouldn't knock it off cause he's crazy and off his rocker
Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka
You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Bob a "Dr."
He grabbed Stace' by the legs as chopped it off her
and dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her
But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander
they never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner
And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana,
and what it might do to you
So see if the squirrels want any - it's bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]

See children, drugs are bahhhd (c'mon)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (ask him man)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (that's right)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (that's right)
So you don't act like everyone else does (uh-huh)
Then there's really nothin else to say (sing along)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Eminem]
My penis is the size of a peanut, have you seen it?
FUCK NO you ain't seen it, it's the size of a peanut (Huh?)
Speakin of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels?
Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world
If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it
Kids two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid
and spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back
So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back
Meet Zach, twenty-one years old
After hangin out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold
and decides to try five, when he's bribed by five guys
and peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it
Suddenly, he starts to convulse and his pulse goes into hyperdrive
and his eyes roll back in his skull {*blblblblblb*}
His back starts tah - look like the McDonald's Arches
He's on Donald's carpet, layin horizontal barfin {*BLEH*}
And everyone in the apartment starts laughin at him
"Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him!"
cause they took it too, so they think it's funny
So they're laughing at basically nothing except maybe wasting his money
Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over
and his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicin yoga
And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac
So don't even feed that to squirrels class, cause it's bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]

See children, drugs are bahhhd (that's right)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (that's right)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (you can)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (smoke crack)
So you don't act like everyone else does (that's right)
And there's really nothin else to say (but umm)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Eminem]
And last but not least, one of the most humungous
problems among young people today, is fungus
It grows from cow manure, they pick it out, wipe it off,
bag it up, and you put it right in your mouth and chew it
Yum yum! Then you start to see some dumb stuff
And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em..
And sometimes you see things that aren't there (Like what?)
Like fat woman in G-strings with orange hair
(Mr. Shady what's a G-string?) It's yarn Claire
Women stick 'em up their behinds, go out and wear 'em (Huh?)
And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms
Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus
Ya tongue gets, all swoll up like a cow's tongue (How come?)
cause it comes from a cow's dung (Gross!!)
See drugs are bad, it's a common fact
But your mom and dad, know that's all that I'm good at (Oh!)
But don't be me, cause if you grow up and you go and O.D.
They're gonna come for me and I'ma have to grow a goatee
and get a disguise and hide, cause it'll be my fault
So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't,
cause I'm bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]

See children, drugs are bahhhd (uh-huh)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (put that down)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (you can ask)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (and she will)
So kids say no to drugs (say no)
So you don't act like everyone else does (like I do)
And there's really nothin else to say (that's right)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Mr. Mackey] (Eric Cartman)
Come on children, clap along (SHUT UP!)
Sing along children (Suck my motherfuckin dick!)
Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad (South Park is gonna sue me!)
So don't do drugs (Suck my motherfuckin penis!)
so there'll be more for me (Hippie! God damnit!)
(Mushrooms killed Kenny! *fart* Ewww, ahhh!)
(So, fucked up, right now..)
by ChubbyTeletubby on Apr 21, 2006
It's sick! It's demented! I LOVE IT!!
by sansevieria on Feb 27, 2006
See children drugs are bad, and if you don't believe me, ask your dad, and if you don't believe him ask your mom. She'll tell you how she does em all the time.

So kids so no to drugs, so you don't act like everyone else does. And there's really nothing else to say, drugs are just bad, mmmmkay?
by YazZMaN on Feb 6, 2006
I'm so conflicted right now. On the one hand, the story had spelling errors (a 9-able offense for the BEST of stories). On the other hand, the story used a word in the correct context that I had truthfully NEVER heard in my life - that alone is a feat the likes of which cannot be MEASURED on a 1-10 scale!

On the one hand, I'm in a fuck-it mood because I've been up for way longer than usual and my headache AND acid are coming back simultaneously. But on the other hand, I read EVERY DAMN ROOM of this story (something I normally only reserve for mine).

Fuck it - I'll ten it. Oh, and how the hell did you find so many Eminem songs in a MIDI (I think that's what those are) format? Shit, I need some sleep.
by michaelrayholt on Aug 8, 2005
I gave it a ten because I helped write it and I'm very dishonest. Yay for cheating!!
by donteatpoop on Jul 15, 2005
Gets a 10 because this story had more effort put in than any other (yes, even more than Blind Date and Funkymango's stories). Some parts were hilarious.
by jeffisthebest on Jul 11, 2005
Hilarious and truly genious. The rooms contained detail along with length and the humor wasn't pushed upon the reader in a retarted way like most stories. Defenitely a piece of brilliance. Keep dealing your crack!
by YazZMaN on Jul 9, 2005

Rate Story