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Written by aidenj / NR: Not Rated /

(2)

Comments & Ratings

Author	Rating	Date	Comment
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	Overall review, this is a story with a lot of potential. It definitely needs work but I see a good story under all the crap. Stuff like the gangsters, it might seem cool but it is just weird and strangely put in their with no real explanation why. Their are obvious mistakes like spelling and things like gun-knives, if you clean up all the edges and get rid of the un logical things this could be a okay story. by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
sparkles5680		Mar 14, 2017	This was very confusing to read. For example, when Mark meets his dad, I didn't know who was who when they were being described. I also thought that the endings were very rushed. I did the story four different times, with different scenarios, and the endings were all the same, "Mark Tomas died". I was also very confused with the fact how Mark was at one spot and then one sentence later, he is at a completely different spot. The characters were not described well, nor were the places. Then at one point he gets a job as a bartender. If you described how the bar looked or what Mark had to do to get the job, I think that it would be a better story. Plus there should be some more backstory on why his parents left him and describing the house. If the story was more descriptive and less rushed, I think it could have been much better. by sparkles5680 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	"When the police arrive they see three bodies. They ask him what happened. Tomas Said " well this guy right here just came in and started shooting the owners of this place. I was asked if I wanted to stay in this place for a while. So the man comes in all drunk and starts saying 'What the phlegm are you doing, gimme your house and maybe i will not shoot but if you start a fight i will kill you.' So i was all chill right here and then all the sudden this guy starts coming and burstin' in this room like he's going to get the money in the safe on the other side of the room. He goes and starts going slower and i come behind him and i push him on the bed and he starts strangling so i slip the pillow under his head and then he stops budging so i let the pillow from under neath go and he slumps to the ground." You change POV in this who s telling the story, you make it very confusing. by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	Is it supposed to be Tomas or Thomas? by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	You set it up for three options then said "Left and straight are closed" Don't be lazy give it three options like you set it up for. ["There are three turns. Left, right, or straight. Left and straight are closed."] by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	Where did the gangsters come from? by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	never mind that is the correct way to spell that word, but my point still stands, many spelling errors and grammar mistakes. by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	spelling is not very good(very bad) "Stay in your room and EAVESDROP" by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	does he have anger issues ? by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	Are these people rich, they gave him a house. by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	This timeline is more messed up than x-men. by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017
natethegrate03		Mar 14, 2017	is it a gun or a knife? by natethegrate03 on Mar 14, 2017