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Precarious Paths of a Postmodern Pilgrim

Written by tupetewalker / NR: Not Rated /

(5)

Comments & Ratings

Author	Rating	Date	Comment
apotheosis		Jun 27, 2007	Could definitely use more substance. I think you inadequately tackled the subject of religion... but you did use alliteration in your title which is freaking awesome. by apotheosis on Jun 27, 2007
Usoki		Apr 29, 2006	It all seems...short. Each room rambles for a bit, and then branches into the next path. Not only does it prevent story flow, it puts more pressure onto you. You've got a lot of 'choices' to fill in. And...maybe it's just me...but you don't really discuss anything. You start out with, "Oh, you're christian, but you want more." Then "Oh, you're going to go to the suburb and lose faith." Followed by "Oh, you feel bad and will repent." It's very cookie-cutter. The emotions that the character feels are stated, not felt. It doesn't feel like a discussion at all. It feels more like a summery. Still, I hate to be all negative. I do commend you for taking the idea this far. It takes a lot to settle down and actually START writing. by Usoki on Apr 29, 2006
jeffisthebest		Apr 27, 2006	Well. For a piece of Christianity it certainly is good. However, the brief end to the 3rd choice on the 1st room bugged me a bit. What if I don't want to be Adam or Eve? Anyway, story was good for a first one, and your vocabulary certainly exceeds mine. But you gave yourself a 10. Retribution must be made. by jeffisthebest on Apr 27, 2006
donteatpoop		Apr 27, 2006	You can write well, I'm not sure why you only choose to show this on some of the rooms rather than all. I think your conception of buddhism (or however you spell it) is based on medea rather than actual research. If you are going to over things like this in your story, you have to do some researach. I was also put off by some of your abrupt endings; like when you choose to be David Koresh and the next room is THE END. There needs to be more substance there, at least one or two more choices after making that character selection. If you didn't want to follow through with that storyline, perhaps it should not have been in the story in the first place. Aside from that, I think the point your trying to make is definately a good one (though I'm sure the resident atheists will disagree and possibly knock you for it), the story itself just needs to be fleshed out more. Oh, and Dashboard Confessionals are annoying like no other band can be. But that's just my opinion. by donteatpoop on Apr 27, 2006
tupetewalker		Mar 30, 2006	LOVE IT! PETER WALKER, YOU GENIUS! by tupetewalker on Mar 30, 2006