Comments & Ratings
||Jun 17, 2015||I think it's pretty romantic, until I realized it was two girls making out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against them. It's just that it lacked a sufficient amount of background. But your writing's good. Just a little improvements here and there.|
||Jul 20, 2013||It's okay. But, tone down the erotica. It's perfectly viable to make stories have sex like this, but at least add some story first.|
||Jun 7, 2012||you should make more stories like this|
||Jun 7, 2012|
||Apr 28, 2012||
The writing was pretty solid, but you could use some work in paragraph structure. It seemed in some of your rooms that you weren't sure where to end one and begin another so you just left it in a big block; and in other rooms there were suddenly two paragraphs where there should only be one.|
The only reason I didn't rate you higher is that I didn't catch the part where this was a story. Just a fuck session. The entire background information of your story is "we went for a walk and then we fucked." I also found it odd that the protagonist wasn't even sure if he should hold her hand and then all of a sudden "let's get it on!" Even in Penthouse Forums there is a bit of a story before the fucking begins.
Even if your entire plot is about sex (weak though that may be), you should at least give your reader an indication of who the characters are or what the hell is going on. Is this a first date? Are they friends who are suddenly into more? Who are these people, and why are they fucking?
If you're going for a romantic fuck fest story, it's not hard to do. Take the classic approach, two people that shouldn't be together based on social class but are unable to resist due to the power of love. (Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Water for Elephants, etc.)
Anyway, hope you keep writing. You have skills, you just need to work on the narritive aspect of storytelling.
||Apr 8, 2012|
||Apr 3, 2012|