The Great Sael Adventure 1
Brigadier Beary Bearensen exclaims, "*bear noises*!" and gallops on all fours into the brush.
Meanwhile, the other men, looking after Brigadier Beary Bearensen, decide that perhaps they would like to be useful as well. The Commodore quietly sneers, "Uncivilized buffoon," under his breath (as he smooths his chartreuse, pleated satin trousers), and this decides it. Under the Commodore's leadership, you and the group determine you will hunt together, entering the forest as a single unit.
Your not-quite-battalion marches in lock-step into the forest, passing the threshold of bushy branches. You are ill-equipped to handle the -10ºF bitter chill of the island forest; bedecked primarily in satin or silk wares with metal accessories, the men's bodies shiver and their nipples harden, the left stabbing and the right piercing through their embroidered silk overcoats. Some of you perish almost instantly in the shock of the Frostbite Tropics. As minutes go by, the surviving members are forced to feed on the bodies of their fallen companions. Carnie Cadaviere Cornelius the Cannibal instructs the crew on how to properly prepare human flesh. He knows. He shares the following recipe:
"Fill a large stockpot with 'meat,' including bone, a dash of red wine, three cloves of garlic, a teaspoon of pepper, salt to taste, herbs de provence, carrots, celery, an onion, and enough water to cover the top of the femur. Put lid on, covering to create your stock.
Once stock is 'to taste' (upon adding a pinch of salt), add in a half a bag of egg noodles (homemade is best, but store-bought will suffice, given the circumstances).
ALTERNATIVELY,
You may grind flank meat and add two eggs, half a cup of gluten-free bread crumbs, along with sage, marjoram, pepper, and salt. Using your hands, form the meat into balls and add to stew to create something like a meatball pho.
For garnish, throw an unpeeled and untamed kiwifruit on top of each bowl. Serve immediately."
Those who remain and have survived off of Donner Party Delight (also known as Body Surprise, depending on your region of origin) enter the inner ring of the island forest, confronting the most terrible, enormous island creatures. Colonel Steve, the Yelling Man, yells in terror as a gargantuan paw smashes him flat to the ground into a body pancake. Carnie Cadaviere Cornelius the Cannibal remarks, "That's half the work done for us!" as he puts a bib around his neck. Said neck is quickly detached from his shoulders by the aforementioned gargantuan paw.
The roars and growls of wild animals muffle most of the crew's screams. The rest of the crew's screams are muffled by their throats being ripped out, except for Mandy the Muzzler who chooses to wear a harness and a muzzle at all times (we don't kinkshame, even in battle).
Eventually the snarling, slavering, and gurgling stop. All that can be heard are the cicadas and stillness, taciturn as the dead. The moon illuminates the Frostbite Tropics.
*Pan angle left, center stage*
Beary Bearnensen bursts forth from a small shrubbery. A slain beaver hangs loosely in his teeth. He returns to the site of his former comrades. He drops the beaver, and sits back on his flank. He questions to himself, "Where have they gone? *bear noises*" Using his abnormally large nose, he sniffs around until he hits upon the odor of the remains of his compatriots. The furry howls at the moon, "Awooooooo! *bear noises*" He looks at the ship, over yonder; the body of the vessel is shattered and charred. Understanding what must have certainly befallen his late coworkers and that he will never again return to the piers of Porte Ohe Care Loe Tahe, he rips off his clothes, bites into the beaver flesh, and frolics into the forest to play with his furry friends.
Some say that on impossibly cold nights you can hear the bubbling of the Carnie's stew still. Let this be a lesson to you, young traveler, to always bring your handbook of cannibal recipes with you OR it takes two fauna to flamenco (whichever lesson resonates more with you, idk man).
Meanwhile, the other men, looking after Brigadier Beary Bearensen, decide that perhaps they would like to be useful as well. The Commodore quietly sneers, "Uncivilized buffoon," under his breath (as he smooths his chartreuse, pleated satin trousers), and this decides it. Under the Commodore's leadership, you and the group determine you will hunt together, entering the forest as a single unit.
Your not-quite-battalion marches in lock-step into the forest, passing the threshold of bushy branches. You are ill-equipped to handle the -10ºF bitter chill of the island forest; bedecked primarily in satin or silk wares with metal accessories, the men's bodies shiver and their nipples harden, the left stabbing and the right piercing through their embroidered silk overcoats. Some of you perish almost instantly in the shock of the Frostbite Tropics. As minutes go by, the surviving members are forced to feed on the bodies of their fallen companions. Carnie Cadaviere Cornelius the Cannibal instructs the crew on how to properly prepare human flesh. He knows. He shares the following recipe:
"Fill a large stockpot with 'meat,' including bone, a dash of red wine, three cloves of garlic, a teaspoon of pepper, salt to taste, herbs de provence, carrots, celery, an onion, and enough water to cover the top of the femur. Put lid on, covering to create your stock.
Once stock is 'to taste' (upon adding a pinch of salt), add in a half a bag of egg noodles (homemade is best, but store-bought will suffice, given the circumstances).
ALTERNATIVELY,
You may grind flank meat and add two eggs, half a cup of gluten-free bread crumbs, along with sage, marjoram, pepper, and salt. Using your hands, form the meat into balls and add to stew to create something like a meatball pho.
For garnish, throw an unpeeled and untamed kiwifruit on top of each bowl. Serve immediately."
Those who remain and have survived off of Donner Party Delight (also known as Body Surprise, depending on your region of origin) enter the inner ring of the island forest, confronting the most terrible, enormous island creatures. Colonel Steve, the Yelling Man, yells in terror as a gargantuan paw smashes him flat to the ground into a body pancake. Carnie Cadaviere Cornelius the Cannibal remarks, "That's half the work done for us!" as he puts a bib around his neck. Said neck is quickly detached from his shoulders by the aforementioned gargantuan paw.
The roars and growls of wild animals muffle most of the crew's screams. The rest of the crew's screams are muffled by their throats being ripped out, except for Mandy the Muzzler who chooses to wear a harness and a muzzle at all times (we don't kinkshame, even in battle).
Eventually the snarling, slavering, and gurgling stop. All that can be heard are the cicadas and stillness, taciturn as the dead. The moon illuminates the Frostbite Tropics.
*Pan angle left, center stage*
Beary Bearnensen bursts forth from a small shrubbery. A slain beaver hangs loosely in his teeth. He returns to the site of his former comrades. He drops the beaver, and sits back on his flank. He questions to himself, "Where have they gone? *bear noises*" Using his abnormally large nose, he sniffs around until he hits upon the odor of the remains of his compatriots. The furry howls at the moon, "Awooooooo! *bear noises*" He looks at the ship, over yonder; the body of the vessel is shattered and charred. Understanding what must have certainly befallen his late coworkers and that he will never again return to the piers of Porte Ohe Care Loe Tahe, he rips off his clothes, bites into the beaver flesh, and frolics into the forest to play with his furry friends.
Some say that on impossibly cold nights you can hear the bubbling of the Carnie's stew still. Let this be a lesson to you, young traveler, to always bring your handbook of cannibal recipes with you OR it takes two fauna to flamenco (whichever lesson resonates more with you, idk man).
