Highway Star
CUT TO:
Interior of a barn. It is dark and late at night. The four are atop a bed of hey up on the second level. Phill and Lori sleep soundly. Eddy snores a bit. Tim sits with his legs dangling over the edge. Eddys snores are broken and he tosses over a few times, very close to falling over the edge. He yawns and opens his eyes. He notices Tim is up, and sits up.)
Eddy:
Can't you sleep either?
Tim: Nah. This place smells too much like horse shit for me fall asleep.
Eddy:
So, what are you going to do? Sit there all night like that?
Tim: No. Actually I was just contemplating making the evening a bit more interesting.
Eddy:
How's that?
Tim: There are cows sleeping in the field out back.
Eddy:
Yeah...
Tim:
Have you ever been cow tipping?
Eddy: You're gonna what?
Tim: You've never gone cow tipping? (Eddy shrugs.)
Eddy: I'm from the city.
Tim:
Well then... follow me. (He and Eddy descend the ladder which lead them to the second level of the barn. Tim speaks to Eddy as the two make their way out of the barn and into the field behind the barn. In this field a hundred cows or so stand around in their sleep. The field itself is at the top of an absurdly long and steep hill. As they go, this is what Tim tells Eddy:)
Tim:
The interesting thing about cows is that they sleep standing up. Tipping a cow is the act of pushing a cow over as it sleeps, treating the cattle to a rather rude awakening. It's really quite amusing. (They have reached the field by now. Eddy rubs his hands together.)
Eddy:
This is going to be great.
Tim:
The thing to remember here is that cows tend to weight allot, so you have to throw your weight into it.
Eddy:
All right. When do we begin?
Tim:
Scope the field, Eddy. Find a cow that's right for you. (They search the field for a moment with their eyes. Eddy points to a small cluster of cows near the crest of the hill.)
Eddy:
Those look like good ones.
Tim:
You have an excellent eye for this, Eddy. Are you sure you've never done this before? (The two walk over to the indicated cluster of cows.)
Eddy:
So I just walk over to it and I push?
Tim: Exactly.
Eddy: Here goes... (Eddy walks up behind a nearby cow and begins to push.)
Tim:
Woh... Wrong side buddy. (Eddy looks up, his hand slips and sinks elbow deep into the cows ass. Tim laughs at him. He tries to get his arm out but cannot.)
Eddy:
Tim I'm stuck. (Tim only laughs harder. The cow does not move. It grunts a little.) Oh my God, I'm stuck!
Tim:
Oh shit, man. (He is really no help, just continues to stand there watching his friend.) Your whole arm is going to smell like so much cow ass. (Eddy braces himself with one arm and plants his feet. The cow swats him in the face a few times as he pulls his arm from the clutches of the cow anus, his arm stained with streaks of brown. The cow lets out a long "Moo" as Eddy removes his arm. Several cows around them are awakened and pace around. Phill and Lori appear amidst the herd as Eddy is removing his limb. Lori covers her eyes.)
Lori:
Oh my God.
Phill:
What the hell are you guys doing out here!? (The cow Eddy is near lets out a long fart. Eddy is gagging.)
Lori:
Man. I smell some major cow ass out hear.
Tim:
That's just Eddy. (Eddy continues to gag. He is red in the face. What brings you from slumber land?)
Phill:
You are making entirely too much noise out here.
Tim:
Seriously?
Phill: You made a bit of a ruckus in your wake when you left the barn at the very least. We awoke to see where you went off too.
Lori:
We figured you'd be smoking herb-
Phill:
Not sticking your hands up cows asses.
Lori:
What's that about anyway?
Tim:
We're out cow tipping.
Phill:
Aren't you supposed to push from the side?
Tim:
Eddy has never gone cow tipping.
Phill:
And yet he's completely alien to the subject?
Tim: Completely.
Phill:
Amazing.
Lori:
You're not really cow tipping are you?
Tim:
Fuck yeah we are.
Eddy:
We're not just shoving out arms up cows asses, you know.
Lori:
That is so cruel.
Tim:
It doesn't hurt them, Lori. It just gives them a little scare.
Lori:
You can give a cow a heart attack doing that. Cow tipping is a dangerous sport. Cow tipping kills cows.
Tim:
Sometimes it does, yes. But not often.
Lori:
If the cow doesn't die from it, it'll have some serious bruises and possibly some fractures.
Tim:
My heat is bleeding. Come on, Eddy, let me show you how it's done. (Tim walks over to a cow aligned with the hills crest.)
Eddy:
You need help with it?
Tim:
Yeah. Just keep that nasty arm on the other side of me.
Lori:
You guys are assholes.
Eddy:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tim:
So I've heard. (Tim and Eddy face the side of the cow, the long hill on the other side of it. Lori turns around.)
Lori:
I can't watch this.
Tim:
You ready?
Eddy:
Yeah.
Tim:
All right. On three. One... Two... Three! (Eddy and Tim put all their weight into a push and knock the cow over onto it's side upon the hillside with a loud THUMP! The cow begins a long "moo" as it slides down the hill upon it's side. It moos until it can no longer be heard due to the cast distance.)
Lori:
Guys...
Tim:
I know. You're pissed about this whole situation.
Lori:
Yeah that too.
Tim:
And what else?
Lori:
Farmer. (Every one turns around to look where Lori is looking. Making his way through the herd is an old farmer carrying a shotgun and mumbling to himself.)
Tim:
Fuck.
Phill:
It looks like there's a highway down there. Everyone scatter. We'll regroup on that highway. (Everyone nods in agreement. The farmer fires a shot into the air. The four scatter, running off in varying directions. Phill runs on down the hill, falling a few times due to the steepness of the hill. Another gunshot is heard, we see the bullet sink into the earth a few inches away from Phill. Phill runs on as quickly as he can without sacrificing too much of his footing. We hear the cow, still mooing ahead of him and finally we see it as Phill runs directly in it's wake. He hurdles the cow just as another shot is fired. The bullet sinks into cow flesh and the animal lets out one last painful moo before going silent. Phill runs on, the cow still sliding along behind him on this impossibly long hill. He runs from the cows dead form in the same manor and style that Indiana Jones ran from the boulder in the Temple of Doom. We focus now on the cow and it's continual slide down the hill, Phill having ran past it, off-screen. We hear one more gunshot fire, and the cow hits a large stone on the hill, slipping it over so that it slides feet first. A few seconds later, the cow reaches the bottom of the hill. All is silent, all is still. The cow blinks a few times before it's eyes roll into the back of it's head. Lightning strikes in the sky, flaring everything momentarily white. It begins to rain quite heavily.)
END SCENE
Interior of a barn. It is dark and late at night. The four are atop a bed of hey up on the second level. Phill and Lori sleep soundly. Eddy snores a bit. Tim sits with his legs dangling over the edge. Eddys snores are broken and he tosses over a few times, very close to falling over the edge. He yawns and opens his eyes. He notices Tim is up, and sits up.)
Eddy:
Can't you sleep either?
Tim: Nah. This place smells too much like horse shit for me fall asleep.
Eddy:
So, what are you going to do? Sit there all night like that?
Tim: No. Actually I was just contemplating making the evening a bit more interesting.
Eddy:
How's that?
Tim: There are cows sleeping in the field out back.
Eddy:
Yeah...
Tim:
Have you ever been cow tipping?
Eddy: You're gonna what?
Tim: You've never gone cow tipping? (Eddy shrugs.)
Eddy: I'm from the city.
Tim:
Well then... follow me. (He and Eddy descend the ladder which lead them to the second level of the barn. Tim speaks to Eddy as the two make their way out of the barn and into the field behind the barn. In this field a hundred cows or so stand around in their sleep. The field itself is at the top of an absurdly long and steep hill. As they go, this is what Tim tells Eddy:)
Tim:
The interesting thing about cows is that they sleep standing up. Tipping a cow is the act of pushing a cow over as it sleeps, treating the cattle to a rather rude awakening. It's really quite amusing. (They have reached the field by now. Eddy rubs his hands together.)
Eddy:
This is going to be great.
Tim:
The thing to remember here is that cows tend to weight allot, so you have to throw your weight into it.
Eddy:
All right. When do we begin?
Tim:
Scope the field, Eddy. Find a cow that's right for you. (They search the field for a moment with their eyes. Eddy points to a small cluster of cows near the crest of the hill.)
Eddy:
Those look like good ones.
Tim:
You have an excellent eye for this, Eddy. Are you sure you've never done this before? (The two walk over to the indicated cluster of cows.)
Eddy:
So I just walk over to it and I push?
Tim: Exactly.
Eddy: Here goes... (Eddy walks up behind a nearby cow and begins to push.)
Tim:
Woh... Wrong side buddy. (Eddy looks up, his hand slips and sinks elbow deep into the cows ass. Tim laughs at him. He tries to get his arm out but cannot.)
Eddy:
Tim I'm stuck. (Tim only laughs harder. The cow does not move. It grunts a little.) Oh my God, I'm stuck!
Tim:
Oh shit, man. (He is really no help, just continues to stand there watching his friend.) Your whole arm is going to smell like so much cow ass. (Eddy braces himself with one arm and plants his feet. The cow swats him in the face a few times as he pulls his arm from the clutches of the cow anus, his arm stained with streaks of brown. The cow lets out a long "Moo" as Eddy removes his arm. Several cows around them are awakened and pace around. Phill and Lori appear amidst the herd as Eddy is removing his limb. Lori covers her eyes.)
Lori:
Oh my God.
Phill:
What the hell are you guys doing out here!? (The cow Eddy is near lets out a long fart. Eddy is gagging.)
Lori:
Man. I smell some major cow ass out hear.
Tim:
That's just Eddy. (Eddy continues to gag. He is red in the face. What brings you from slumber land?)
Phill:
You are making entirely too much noise out here.
Tim:
Seriously?
Phill: You made a bit of a ruckus in your wake when you left the barn at the very least. We awoke to see where you went off too.
Lori:
We figured you'd be smoking herb-
Phill:
Not sticking your hands up cows asses.
Lori:
What's that about anyway?
Tim:
We're out cow tipping.
Phill:
Aren't you supposed to push from the side?
Tim:
Eddy has never gone cow tipping.
Phill:
And yet he's completely alien to the subject?
Tim: Completely.
Phill:
Amazing.
Lori:
You're not really cow tipping are you?
Tim:
Fuck yeah we are.
Eddy:
We're not just shoving out arms up cows asses, you know.
Lori:
That is so cruel.
Tim:
It doesn't hurt them, Lori. It just gives them a little scare.
Lori:
You can give a cow a heart attack doing that. Cow tipping is a dangerous sport. Cow tipping kills cows.
Tim:
Sometimes it does, yes. But not often.
Lori:
If the cow doesn't die from it, it'll have some serious bruises and possibly some fractures.
Tim:
My heat is bleeding. Come on, Eddy, let me show you how it's done. (Tim walks over to a cow aligned with the hills crest.)
Eddy:
You need help with it?
Tim:
Yeah. Just keep that nasty arm on the other side of me.
Lori:
You guys are assholes.
Eddy:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tim:
So I've heard. (Tim and Eddy face the side of the cow, the long hill on the other side of it. Lori turns around.)
Lori:
I can't watch this.
Tim:
You ready?
Eddy:
Yeah.
Tim:
All right. On three. One... Two... Three! (Eddy and Tim put all their weight into a push and knock the cow over onto it's side upon the hillside with a loud THUMP! The cow begins a long "moo" as it slides down the hill upon it's side. It moos until it can no longer be heard due to the cast distance.)
Lori:
Guys...
Tim:
I know. You're pissed about this whole situation.
Lori:
Yeah that too.
Tim:
And what else?
Lori:
Farmer. (Every one turns around to look where Lori is looking. Making his way through the herd is an old farmer carrying a shotgun and mumbling to himself.)
Tim:
Fuck.
Phill:
It looks like there's a highway down there. Everyone scatter. We'll regroup on that highway. (Everyone nods in agreement. The farmer fires a shot into the air. The four scatter, running off in varying directions. Phill runs on down the hill, falling a few times due to the steepness of the hill. Another gunshot is heard, we see the bullet sink into the earth a few inches away from Phill. Phill runs on as quickly as he can without sacrificing too much of his footing. We hear the cow, still mooing ahead of him and finally we see it as Phill runs directly in it's wake. He hurdles the cow just as another shot is fired. The bullet sinks into cow flesh and the animal lets out one last painful moo before going silent. Phill runs on, the cow still sliding along behind him on this impossibly long hill. He runs from the cows dead form in the same manor and style that Indiana Jones ran from the boulder in the Temple of Doom. We focus now on the cow and it's continual slide down the hill, Phill having ran past it, off-screen. We hear one more gunshot fire, and the cow hits a large stone on the hill, slipping it over so that it slides feet first. A few seconds later, the cow reaches the bottom of the hill. All is silent, all is still. The cow blinks a few times before it's eyes roll into the back of it's head. Lightning strikes in the sky, flaring everything momentarily white. It begins to rain quite heavily.)
END SCENE