Highway Star
Act 3 scene 1
Tim stands on the side of the road, at the end of a drive which leads to a plaza parking area. He holds his "Will Work For Food" sign and holds a cup. Across the drive stands Eddy, a man of twenty-six. Eddy is a very dirty person dressed in rags. He also hold a "Will Work For Food" sign, though in slightly more battered condition than Tims. A car approaches them and waves a bill out to Eddy, who takes it and thanks the driver. He returns to his post as the car drives off.
The two stand there in silence, waiting for another car. None come.
Eddy:
Hey! (He is calling to Tim, though Tim doesn't realize it.) Hey you!! (Tim looks over at the man.) Yeah, you!
Tim:
What's up?
Eddy:
Do you even need this money?
Tim:
Huh?
Eddy: Are you even poor?
Tim:
Well... I'm holding the sign aren't I?
Eddy:
Holding the sign doesn't mean shit. (Crosses the drive to stand before Tim.)
Tim:
Then what's it mean?
Eddy:
It could mean anything. You could be a poverty stricken citizen hoping for spare change so that you can eat another meal.
Tim:
You see, that's what I'm trying to convey.
Eddy:
Or you could be some punk kid trying to swindle a fortune from the good intentions of others.
Tim:
I don't-
Eddy:
You're dirty, kid. I'll give you that. But don't make a career out of this. You don't have what it takes.
Tim:
What are you talking about?
Eddy: I can tell you're not homeless.
Tim:
What? You have to be homeless now in order to need money?!
Eddy:
Now I didn't say that. But do you really even need the money?
Tim: I-
Eddy:
I didn't think so. You're probably running low on cash so you thought you'd be clever and try this out. Does that sound about right?
Tim: Yeah, actually. (Eddy nods.)
Eddy:
Do you realize what you're doing out here? Do you realize that you're short changing the people who really need money?
Tim:
I-
Eddy:
There are people out there who would kill for a spoonful of soup. Every dollar you take is starving another child.
Tim:
I... I'm sorry.
Eddy:
Are you?
Tim:
Yeah. I guess I never really thought about it. (He hands the money cup over to Eddy.)
Eddy:
What's this for?
Tim: Take it, man. It's only thirteen bucks and some change, but you need it more than I do.
Eddy:
I what? (A smile plays across his face.) Oh! You think I'm a poverty stricken citizen?! (Laughs hysterically.)
Tim:
Well, yeah... I mean, you're holding the sign.
Eddy:
Did it mean anything that you were holding the sign?
Tim:
No.
Eddy:
It means nothing that I hold the sign either.
Tim:
You mean...
Eddy:
Yes. I'm a charlatan. But I prefer the term "leech on society".
Tim:
But that speech about children starving...
Eddy:
That's something you should be aware of if you're going to take money under this ruse. But the money we made would probably never made it to them anyway.
Tim:
No shit?
Eddy:
No shit. These "giving people" would have sat on it until they found something that caught their fancy. If they hadn't seen a homeless person, even a phony one, they would never have donated the cash. Let me ask you something, kid.
Tim:
The names Tim.
Eddy:
Okay, okay. Sure, fine. Let me ask you something, Tim. Why do you need this money?
Tim: Well... I just lost my job, and I can't pay my rent without this cash... So...
Eddy:
That's bullshit.
Tim:
What?
Eddy:
We've already established you don't need the cash, there's no point in lying about it now.
Tim:
All right. So my buddy and I are hitch hiking to California, and we're running a little low on cash. I figure I'll just hold up this Will Work for Food sign and hope for the money to be thrown at me.
Eddy:
Fair enough. You're really screwing up the act though.
Tim:
What the fuck are you talking about?!
Eddy:
Your first problem is that you're too clean. You're wearing clothes in decent condition. Nobody wants to flip dough to a GQ poor man. You've gotta look the part to the epitome of their stereo-types. Wear your dirtiest clothes out here, develop a stain in your shirt. (Tim mouths the words "develop a stain" after it is said, a look of disbelief in his eyes.) Don't be afraid to have a little dirt on your face, or a hole in your jeans. Basically all you have going for you is uncombed hair and that awful smell that accompanies you.
Tim:
Yeah, sorry about that. I ate about a dozen bean burritos last night. (A car approaches.)
Eddy:
Look. Here comes a car. I'll show you how to do it. (The car is a lexus.)
Tim:
Looks like she's got money. (Eddy nods then walks over to the car. We follow him, as Tim fades into the background, on-looking the demonstration. A woman unrolls the automatic window. She is old. She is very old. She is a very old lady. She is rich as well. A thick diamond sits on a ring upon her silk gloved hand, which rests on the steering wheel. Eddy approaches her. His mood is somber.)
Eddy:
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Ma'am:
Good afternoon. Tell me... Is that good looking young fellow over there (Points to Tim) in need of money. (Eddy looks back to Tim, then back to Ma'am.)
Eddy:
I believe so. He is holding a sign.
Ma'am:
Can you send him over to me?
Eddy:
Can I-? I have a sign too, you know?
Ma'am:
Yes, but I want to give him money.
Eddy:
Why can't you give me money?
Ma'am:
I don't want to give you the money. I want to give him the money.
Eddy:
We're taking turns on the cars, ma'am. He got the last one. I get this one.
Ma'am:
What if I don't want to give it to you?
Eddy: That's kind of the way it's working, lady.
Ma'am:
Could you tell him I'd like to give him some money?
Eddy:
I'll tell you what. You give me the money, I'll run it over to him.
Ma'am:
Very well. (She hands Eddy the folded bill in her hand.)
Eddy:
Thank you for your generosity.
Ma'am:
You just make sure that nice looking young man gets it. I really hope he makes it out of poverty.
Eddy:
And what of me?
Ma'am:
What do you mean?
Eddy:
This whole time you've been thinking only of his feelings. What of mine? Have you no well wishes for me?
Ma'am:
Well I certainly hope you can get off of the crack-cocaine spoon. See that the young man gets the money. Good day. (Eddy speaks as the window rolls up.)
Eddy:
Yeah for you. (The car begins to pull away.) Hey! You smoke crack! (The car speeds away. Eddy turns around to walk back to Tim, talking to himself.)
Eddy:
What the fuck is a crack spoon? (He is unfolding the bill in his hand. He looks not once at it. He holds it up for Tim to see.)
Tim:
Wow! Let me see that. (Eddy hands it to Tim, so that he can examine it.)
Eddy:
Read it and weep, man.
Tim:
That's impressive, dude. Chick rolls up in a lexus and you walk away with a dollar?
Eddy:
That's right. I- What are you talking about, a dollar?!
Tim:
It's a dollar, man. Here. (Hands the dollar bill back to Eddy, who stares dumb-founded at the US $1 bill.)
Eddy:
A dollar. A fucking dollar. This rich old bag drives up in a lexus and hands me a dollar for my suffering?
Tim:
A dollar was worth something back in the day, man. She probably doesn't realize the difference.
Eddy:
I can't buy a large fry with this! What the fuck is wrong with this ancient bitch! Of all the fucking nerve-
Tim:
What was all that yelling about smoking crack, anyway?
Eddy:
What's that? Oh nothing. (Silence.) You realize that what that woman did there was wrong?
Tim:
I guess.
Eddy:
In a case such as this, if you are to say in town for a while, there is a matter of revenge to seek. This consists of doing her the "favor" of wiping her windshield clean with the dirtiest rag you own on the very next occasion you see her.
Tim:
But doesn't every dollar count?
Eddy:
That's what is said. And that is what some may think. But it is understood by most that there is a minimum acceptable contribution of about five dollars.
Tim:
But still... If you got one dollar from ten people in an hour, you made ten dollars.
Eddy:
All right. I'll have to use an example. Did you ever wait tables?
Tim:
Yeah. In fact, I think I quit that job just before I left town.
Eddy:
What do you mean you "think" you quit? Did you or didn't you?
Tim: I don't know. My friend told me I quit, but I don't remember. I was on allot of acid at the time.
Eddy:
Ah. I see. But you did wait tables?
Tim:
Yeah.
Eddy:
What's the minimum tip.
Tim:
Twelve percent of the bill.
Eddy:
Right. And are you happy if you get less.
Tim:
No.
Eddy: That was rhetorical. No one is required to leave a tip. If they don't though, you get pissed. Twelve percent of the bill is rather cheap in comparison to the service you are providing. Most decent people leave that or more.
Tim:
But in waiting tables you're providing a service.
Eddy:
You're standing out here posing as a man of poverty and all of sudden you're getting ethical.
Tim:
Excellent point. You'll hear no more objections from me. (They stand in silence for a moment, watching for traffic. None comes.)
Eddy:
Are you hungry? (Tim hold his sign up for Eddy.)
Tim:
Read the sign. (Eddy laughs a little, then empties the bills from his cup and sets the change weighed cup down before the reverse side of his sign. His sign is designed to stand of it's own accord.)
Eddy:
Follow me.
Tim:
Where to?
Eddy:
Any restaurant that'll take us in. We're only going in for warmth. (Winks.)
Tim:
But it's not even cold out.
Eddy:
How are they going to know that? They're inside. Come on, we'll eat for free.
Tim:
How do you figure?
Eddy:
All we need is a sympathetic waitress. (Tim and Eddy walk towards the plaza. The camera stays with the sign, zooming in on it, the cup standing before it. The sign reads: "OUT TO LUNCH")
END SCENE
Tim stands on the side of the road, at the end of a drive which leads to a plaza parking area. He holds his "Will Work For Food" sign and holds a cup. Across the drive stands Eddy, a man of twenty-six. Eddy is a very dirty person dressed in rags. He also hold a "Will Work For Food" sign, though in slightly more battered condition than Tims. A car approaches them and waves a bill out to Eddy, who takes it and thanks the driver. He returns to his post as the car drives off.
The two stand there in silence, waiting for another car. None come.
Eddy:
Hey! (He is calling to Tim, though Tim doesn't realize it.) Hey you!! (Tim looks over at the man.) Yeah, you!
Tim:
What's up?
Eddy:
Do you even need this money?
Tim:
Huh?
Eddy: Are you even poor?
Tim:
Well... I'm holding the sign aren't I?
Eddy:
Holding the sign doesn't mean shit. (Crosses the drive to stand before Tim.)
Tim:
Then what's it mean?
Eddy:
It could mean anything. You could be a poverty stricken citizen hoping for spare change so that you can eat another meal.
Tim:
You see, that's what I'm trying to convey.
Eddy:
Or you could be some punk kid trying to swindle a fortune from the good intentions of others.
Tim:
I don't-
Eddy:
You're dirty, kid. I'll give you that. But don't make a career out of this. You don't have what it takes.
Tim:
What are you talking about?
Eddy: I can tell you're not homeless.
Tim:
What? You have to be homeless now in order to need money?!
Eddy:
Now I didn't say that. But do you really even need the money?
Tim: I-
Eddy:
I didn't think so. You're probably running low on cash so you thought you'd be clever and try this out. Does that sound about right?
Tim: Yeah, actually. (Eddy nods.)
Eddy:
Do you realize what you're doing out here? Do you realize that you're short changing the people who really need money?
Tim:
I-
Eddy:
There are people out there who would kill for a spoonful of soup. Every dollar you take is starving another child.
Tim:
I... I'm sorry.
Eddy:
Are you?
Tim:
Yeah. I guess I never really thought about it. (He hands the money cup over to Eddy.)
Eddy:
What's this for?
Tim: Take it, man. It's only thirteen bucks and some change, but you need it more than I do.
Eddy:
I what? (A smile plays across his face.) Oh! You think I'm a poverty stricken citizen?! (Laughs hysterically.)
Tim:
Well, yeah... I mean, you're holding the sign.
Eddy:
Did it mean anything that you were holding the sign?
Tim:
No.
Eddy:
It means nothing that I hold the sign either.
Tim:
You mean...
Eddy:
Yes. I'm a charlatan. But I prefer the term "leech on society".
Tim:
But that speech about children starving...
Eddy:
That's something you should be aware of if you're going to take money under this ruse. But the money we made would probably never made it to them anyway.
Tim:
No shit?
Eddy:
No shit. These "giving people" would have sat on it until they found something that caught their fancy. If they hadn't seen a homeless person, even a phony one, they would never have donated the cash. Let me ask you something, kid.
Tim:
The names Tim.
Eddy:
Okay, okay. Sure, fine. Let me ask you something, Tim. Why do you need this money?
Tim: Well... I just lost my job, and I can't pay my rent without this cash... So...
Eddy:
That's bullshit.
Tim:
What?
Eddy:
We've already established you don't need the cash, there's no point in lying about it now.
Tim:
All right. So my buddy and I are hitch hiking to California, and we're running a little low on cash. I figure I'll just hold up this Will Work for Food sign and hope for the money to be thrown at me.
Eddy:
Fair enough. You're really screwing up the act though.
Tim:
What the fuck are you talking about?!
Eddy:
Your first problem is that you're too clean. You're wearing clothes in decent condition. Nobody wants to flip dough to a GQ poor man. You've gotta look the part to the epitome of their stereo-types. Wear your dirtiest clothes out here, develop a stain in your shirt. (Tim mouths the words "develop a stain" after it is said, a look of disbelief in his eyes.) Don't be afraid to have a little dirt on your face, or a hole in your jeans. Basically all you have going for you is uncombed hair and that awful smell that accompanies you.
Tim:
Yeah, sorry about that. I ate about a dozen bean burritos last night. (A car approaches.)
Eddy:
Look. Here comes a car. I'll show you how to do it. (The car is a lexus.)
Tim:
Looks like she's got money. (Eddy nods then walks over to the car. We follow him, as Tim fades into the background, on-looking the demonstration. A woman unrolls the automatic window. She is old. She is very old. She is a very old lady. She is rich as well. A thick diamond sits on a ring upon her silk gloved hand, which rests on the steering wheel. Eddy approaches her. His mood is somber.)
Eddy:
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Ma'am:
Good afternoon. Tell me... Is that good looking young fellow over there (Points to Tim) in need of money. (Eddy looks back to Tim, then back to Ma'am.)
Eddy:
I believe so. He is holding a sign.
Ma'am:
Can you send him over to me?
Eddy:
Can I-? I have a sign too, you know?
Ma'am:
Yes, but I want to give him money.
Eddy:
Why can't you give me money?
Ma'am:
I don't want to give you the money. I want to give him the money.
Eddy:
We're taking turns on the cars, ma'am. He got the last one. I get this one.
Ma'am:
What if I don't want to give it to you?
Eddy: That's kind of the way it's working, lady.
Ma'am:
Could you tell him I'd like to give him some money?
Eddy:
I'll tell you what. You give me the money, I'll run it over to him.
Ma'am:
Very well. (She hands Eddy the folded bill in her hand.)
Eddy:
Thank you for your generosity.
Ma'am:
You just make sure that nice looking young man gets it. I really hope he makes it out of poverty.
Eddy:
And what of me?
Ma'am:
What do you mean?
Eddy:
This whole time you've been thinking only of his feelings. What of mine? Have you no well wishes for me?
Ma'am:
Well I certainly hope you can get off of the crack-cocaine spoon. See that the young man gets the money. Good day. (Eddy speaks as the window rolls up.)
Eddy:
Yeah for you. (The car begins to pull away.) Hey! You smoke crack! (The car speeds away. Eddy turns around to walk back to Tim, talking to himself.)
Eddy:
What the fuck is a crack spoon? (He is unfolding the bill in his hand. He looks not once at it. He holds it up for Tim to see.)
Tim:
Wow! Let me see that. (Eddy hands it to Tim, so that he can examine it.)
Eddy:
Read it and weep, man.
Tim:
That's impressive, dude. Chick rolls up in a lexus and you walk away with a dollar?
Eddy:
That's right. I- What are you talking about, a dollar?!
Tim:
It's a dollar, man. Here. (Hands the dollar bill back to Eddy, who stares dumb-founded at the US $1 bill.)
Eddy:
A dollar. A fucking dollar. This rich old bag drives up in a lexus and hands me a dollar for my suffering?
Tim:
A dollar was worth something back in the day, man. She probably doesn't realize the difference.
Eddy:
I can't buy a large fry with this! What the fuck is wrong with this ancient bitch! Of all the fucking nerve-
Tim:
What was all that yelling about smoking crack, anyway?
Eddy:
What's that? Oh nothing. (Silence.) You realize that what that woman did there was wrong?
Tim:
I guess.
Eddy:
In a case such as this, if you are to say in town for a while, there is a matter of revenge to seek. This consists of doing her the "favor" of wiping her windshield clean with the dirtiest rag you own on the very next occasion you see her.
Tim:
But doesn't every dollar count?
Eddy:
That's what is said. And that is what some may think. But it is understood by most that there is a minimum acceptable contribution of about five dollars.
Tim:
But still... If you got one dollar from ten people in an hour, you made ten dollars.
Eddy:
All right. I'll have to use an example. Did you ever wait tables?
Tim:
Yeah. In fact, I think I quit that job just before I left town.
Eddy:
What do you mean you "think" you quit? Did you or didn't you?
Tim: I don't know. My friend told me I quit, but I don't remember. I was on allot of acid at the time.
Eddy:
Ah. I see. But you did wait tables?
Tim:
Yeah.
Eddy:
What's the minimum tip.
Tim:
Twelve percent of the bill.
Eddy:
Right. And are you happy if you get less.
Tim:
No.
Eddy: That was rhetorical. No one is required to leave a tip. If they don't though, you get pissed. Twelve percent of the bill is rather cheap in comparison to the service you are providing. Most decent people leave that or more.
Tim:
But in waiting tables you're providing a service.
Eddy:
You're standing out here posing as a man of poverty and all of sudden you're getting ethical.
Tim:
Excellent point. You'll hear no more objections from me. (They stand in silence for a moment, watching for traffic. None comes.)
Eddy:
Are you hungry? (Tim hold his sign up for Eddy.)
Tim:
Read the sign. (Eddy laughs a little, then empties the bills from his cup and sets the change weighed cup down before the reverse side of his sign. His sign is designed to stand of it's own accord.)
Eddy:
Follow me.
Tim:
Where to?
Eddy:
Any restaurant that'll take us in. We're only going in for warmth. (Winks.)
Tim:
But it's not even cold out.
Eddy:
How are they going to know that? They're inside. Come on, we'll eat for free.
Tim:
How do you figure?
Eddy:
All we need is a sympathetic waitress. (Tim and Eddy walk towards the plaza. The camera stays with the sign, zooming in on it, the cup standing before it. The sign reads: "OUT TO LUNCH")
END SCENE