ShoujoAddict

Okay, this story was a little nerve-wracking. First off I liked the sci-fi setting and that how humans decide to mutate themselves on purpose for survival. Pretty cool concept. Sadly I don't really think it was put to good use really...

Let's start with characterization. First off, I'm still confused about who am I and what is my role in this story as a protagonist. The descriptions are extremely vague, and I was literally lost for a few seconds. Needless to say, this was a huge break from immersion completely. Also, speaking of immersion, the plot of the whole story was so confusing that I had to reread stuff again one more time to get who is doing what; from getting confused to where I am and what I'm doing, to seriously not knowing which choice had which result. I think honestly that this issue could be resolved if you focused a bit more on streamlining your story. Focusing on dishing out a huge number of words isn't important. Is a 90,000 word story where the reader can't comprehend the plot better, or a mere 12,000 word story, where the plot is at least comprehensible is? You decide.

Coming to grammar. I know that you're an ESL, and believe me when I say this, but I can relate to how annoying tenses and its exceptions can get sometimes. For peeps like us, creative writing is like an uphill battle, because a few mistakes are always bound to happen. What I would suggest you is to keep reading. Opening a Wren and Martin and memorizing everything will seriously get you absolutely nowhere. The key point to improving English grammar is just through experience. Syntax and verb conjugations should come to you naturally and not be rote-memorized. If you simply mug-up all grammar, it results in it showing the way it has in your story.

Overall, good attempt for the idea, but the execution could've been better. Write small, but write good.

I liked the story, the visual descriptions were striking and the atmosphere was instantly welcoming to the reader. That scene where you learn about your fellow hollow fighters is particularly memorable. Also, although a tiny bit better job could've been done with the protagonist, I think the personality of the remaining characters were fleshed out pretty nicely.

Going into more detail about the protagonist, I liked the touch that you feel a sense of responsiblity and like you own something to the princess because she returned your limbs to you. At the same time you always get a feeling of dread in the back of the mind that what you're doing is wrong. Now, I'm used to reading about protagonists that have already been fleshed out and not the type of 'blank slate' protag that I would have to decide the personality for. This one felt more like the 'blank slate' type character, which I'm not used to so it felt kinda weird.

As for the grammar part, nothing major. A few syntax errors here and there, some punctuation ones too, nothing that a little proofreading can't remove and it didn't interfere with the narrative.

Well, now I come to the part thats been kinda nagging me. The story felt way too, uh supernatural-ish. I know its fantasy and so its fine but for some reason I was much much more interested to know the story of how the thief was in his past, and how he was caught stealing and escaping prison. Detailed descriptions of his past life experiences now and then, in between the constant magical quests and stuff, would've kinda made the world a touch more believable. At one point I just got saturated with the enchanted weapons and evil monsters theme. A little bit of variety would prevent that.

Overall, pretty nicely done Camelon! Thanks for that entertaining read!