Liv2004

Very creative!
I would say to use some longer sentences instead of just "i went here they went there...." Maybe combine them to make the story more interesting to read.

In the daughters point of view, everything happens very quickly and without description. (you see something, then you are out cold, then you wake up.....) These things all happen in one room. Maybe describe what she sees. How does it feel to pass out? Is she dizzy when she wakes up? etc...

In the daughters point of view, everything happens very quickly and without description. (you see something, then you are out cold, then you wake up.....) These things all happen in one room. Maybe describe what she sees. How does it feel to pass out? Is she dizzy when she wakes up?...

Couple spelling errors and run on sentences starting in the daughter's point of view. Also, maybe use some description that somehow shows us that we are now in the daughters point of view. I defiantly think it was a creative idea to include that point of view though.

The Story could use more description. When he is fighting the sheep cult thing, maybe describe more of his actions and how the little sheep things are responding. Also, where did the group of sheep people come from? Does he live in a place where cult people are common or something? Overall, more description and more context.