natethegrate03

After talking to you I realized it can beard but it should still be a little better but I now know that it is hard to do.

This story is pretty good, better than the last on I read. The reason I took of 4 points was for one HUGE reason, Is this dog the worlds smartest dog or the worlds dumbest dog. He understands human words but he doesn't know what they are, it makes it very confusing.

Overall review, this is a story with a lot of potential. It definitely needs work but I see a good story under all the crap. Stuff like the gangsters, it might seem cool but it is just weird and strangely put in their with no real explanation why. Their are obvious mistakes like spelling and things like gun-knives, if you clean up all the edges and get rid of the un logical things this could be a okay story.

"When the police arrive they see three bodies. They ask him what happened. Tomas Said " well this guy right here just came in and started shooting the owners of this place. I was asked if I wanted to stay in this place for a while. So the man comes in all drunk and starts saying 'What the phlegm are you doing, gimme your house and maybe i will not shoot but if you start a fight i will kill you.' So i was all chill right here and then all the sudden this guy starts coming and burstin' in this room like he's going to get the money in the safe on the other side of the room. He goes and starts going slower and i come behind him and i push him on the bed and he starts strangling so i slip the pillow under his head and then he stops budging so i let the pillow from under neath go and he slumps to the ground."




You change POV in this who s telling the story, you make it very confusing.

Is it supposed to be Tomas or Thomas?

You set it up for three options then said "Left and straight are closed" Don't be lazy give it three options like you set it up for. ["There are three turns. Left, right, or straight. Left and straight are closed."]

Where did the gangsters come from?

never mind that is the correct way to spell that word, but my point still stands, many spelling errors and grammar mistakes.

spelling is not very good(very bad) "Stay in your room and EAVESDROP"

does he have anger issues ?

Are these people rich, they gave him a house.

This timeline is more messed up than x-men.

is it a gun or a knife?