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September 6, 1620

Dear Journal,

Hello. My name is Christopher Jones, and I'm one of the Godly People. Call me what you will, hackling me with such terms as Recusant or Roundhead means nothing. Just because we all have mishaped penises is no reason to call us names. We are the Puritans.

We may not be the most fun Christian denomination. Sure, we might abstain from drinking and homosexuality, but surely one can enjoy himself while not drinking ale and slobbering over another man! Well, perhaps not. Swearing and stealing is also out of the question, unles you are a Puritan (we sometimes break our own rules). And don't even think about gambling or staging a play near me! I'll cut you in half.

Also, Journal, you might want to know this: I have a lot of enemies. Namely the Pope. The Pope is the Devil Incarnate himself, the Antichrist! Surely he will burn in hell upon his death, may Almighty God bring that day quickly. What a bad boy that man is, suckling from the Devil's teat. And what's worse about it all is that everyone loves him. Even those retards in my own country, England! The Anglican Church is not pure. It should be cleansed, but that is no longer our problem.

You see, we Puritans have found a new way to solve our differences with our enemies. We won't try to change them. We'll just leave.

Recently we have aquired a contract with King James. He'll allow us to settle in England's new colony, America. Well, truth be told he's kicking us out because we're assholes. But the end justifies the means, eh?

To be honest I don't know why James is letting us have half of his new colony. Every Spaniard I've met that's been to America says it's the most wonderful place, with golden streets and tanned women who don't know how to say "That's sexual abuse." Of course, I've also heard they don't speak English.

We bought our own ship, the Mayflower (you see, my cousin Sally was born in May and she sometimes opens up for me just as a flower does). I've been chosen to be the captain of the ship! Isn't that wonderful?

So, I assembled the Puritans and told them we're quitting this joint. No more will we live in a mockery of a country. We'll get a fresh start to spread God's word in America.

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