A Thing

Everyone decides that this is a completely true statement and lets you go with no harm done (besides a few bruises). You realize that the existence of weather has saved your whole life and you become a weatherman to try and begin thanking the weather god for his blessing. One day, it's time to give the daily weather report, but Carla starts freaking out for some reason and literally just dies. You're slightly disgruntled at Carla for doing this and say, "Well, guess it's going to be sunny weather from now on!" Of course, everybody absolutely loves this remark and you win the Nobel Peace Prize. You go on to be a comedian, performing exclusively at people's funerals. One day, however, you receive a letter in the mail. Carla's family is suing you for fraud. This comes strangely to you, as they should obviously be suing you for putting poison in Carla's morning latte the day she died. However, you shrug it off, go to court, and give them the money. You're rich anyway, now that you've started your funeral-comedy business, so money isn't much of an issue to you anymore. In fact, hardly anything is an issue to you. You start to feel empty inside and realize that the whole reason this ever happened to you is because you wanted to thank the weather god. Because of this, you make a decision that will change your life forever: You must go on a quest to find the weather god and thank him personally. After many days of preparation and research, you're ready to venture to Mount Makalu, the fifth-highest point on Earth. You know this is where the weather god must dwell, because the word "weather" has at least 5 letters in it. You fly a plane as close to the mountain as possible, and start the long trek up. Right before you reach the top, however, you encounter Carla's family again. They are mourning on the mountain for Carla's death. You're a bit disgruntled by this and ask them why they're on the holy weather god's mountain when they've done nothing to earn it. They look at you in shock and say that this is obviously the death god's mountain because death has 5 letters in it, so they're mourning Carla's death here. You realize just how stupid their reasoning is, rush towards them, and push them off with your bare hands. You hear screaming for about 30 seconds straight, a small *whump!* and then silence. Knowing that you've now murdered all of Carla's family, you finish your trek up the mountain in full peace and tranquility. When you reach the top, you see a large statue depicting Bob Marley with the quote, "never gonna give you up". You suddenly realize the metaphor of this journey and read the first letter of each sentence. Also, you spontaneously die.

You died.