Tales From The Basement
Seriously? Shit, I didn't think you had it in you.
You gather up all your courage for your next meeting with Patricia. You're really nervous and on edge. Your mom notices this before she goes to work.
"Hey Brian."
"AGHH! SHIT!" you shout, not realizing she was there. "Damn you scared me."
"Calm down, it's just me. Shit, Patricia's got you more jumpy than a five year old at a NAMBLA convention."
"Patricia? Uh I dunno "
"Cut the shit son, I know all about it. I wash your sheets remember?"
"You knew? You didn't care?"
"Well, I can't say I approved, but I guess I felt sorry for you. I mean hell you were finally getting laid and on a regular basis too. I figured if she got pregnant we'd just abort the unholy bastards. I didn't quite know how crazy Patricia was until I spoke to her mother recently though. I imagine you didn't either, but you were just so grateful for someone to fuck you. My sister Evelyn said they were going to ship her to some convent in South Seas, but strangely your relationship with her has had a calming effect. She seems to let most of her crazy shit out on you."
"Yeah, I noticed and I don't think I like it anymore." You say.
"Well, I can't say I blame you. I'm glad to see you have a backbone somewhere in that out of shape body of yours. Ah fuck, maybe some of this is my fault. I should've gotten you a hooker when you turned sixteen. At least you might've avoided this fucked up relationship."
At this point your mom opens up her purse and takes out her handgun and gives it to you.
"Here, take this. If you're going to break up with her, you might need it."
"I don't want to kill her!"
"Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but given how she is, you'd better have something to protect yourself. Now I'm going to work. Good luck son, and you better not leave a big fucking mess for me to clean up."
Wow, that's gotta be the first time your mom's been supportive. Of course now you're even more nervous.
Eventually Patricia comes over. She's in a horny mood and grabs your balls hard when you open the door.
"Hey you fucking perv. You ready to shove that little dick in me for a good two minutes before you get too tired? Hah! You're such a loser!" she says and then shoves her tongue in your mouth.
You push her back a bit and cover your balls while rubbing them in pain.
"Patricia, we really gotta talk."
"Yes we do! I wanna talk about the last Batman comic! Can you believe that " she says changing her tone as usual.
"No, Patricia we gotta talk about us."
"Oh?"
While Patricia looks at you expectantly, you start and stop several times in an attempt to tell her it's over, but just can't do it. Patricia on the other hand realizes what's going on and she gets very upset.
"You fucking bastard you're breaking up with me aren't you? YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT!"
"Now Patricia, it's not like that."
"Oh then how is it like? I gave my body, my love, my fuckin' SOUL to your sorry ass and this is how you repay me? Oh fuck no; you're not getting away with this shit!"
Patricia doesn't attack like you think she was going to, she starts to leave.
"What're you doing?"
"Me? I'm going home, that's what I'm doing! And I'm telling everyone of how you've been molesting and raping me on a routine basis. You'll be locked up and I hope some big ass black guys shove their dicks up your bitch ass every night!"
"Patricia, your parents and my mom already know about us." You say in the hopes it'll stop her.
Patricia does stop. She didn't expect that, but she quickly resumes her tirade.
"So what? Then they'll get in trouble too! I'm still underage not to mention your fucking cousin! I'll just go straight to the police and they'll take you all in! Regardless of what happens, you're still going to be in major fucking trouble and you'll still be taking it in the ass in jail!"
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's anger, maybe it's a combination, but you pull the gun on Patricia and order her to stop.
"Patricia, I can't let you do that." You say, while Patricia looks at you in disbelief.
"Brian?! You'd actually shoot me? Someone you used to love?"
"I still love you Patricia, but I can't let you go now. I would've before, but given your threats and your past abuses towards me, I can't take that chance. You're too chaotic and I gotta do this."
Patricia drops to her knees before you and starts to tear up. Her voice starts to quiver as she begs for her life.
"Brian (sob) please. Don't do this! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to treat you like that. I'm just all fucked up when I'm not on my medication. I'll start taking it! We can still be together. Just please (sob) Don't kill me!"
For a moment you drop your guard. It's a moment though that is your downfall. Patricia punches you in the nuts and tries to wrestle the gun from your hand. In the ensuing struggle she manages to turn the gun on you and pull the trigger. You feel pain spread from your stomach to every other inch of your body. However unlike the movies, this doesn't result in some "shocked" expression and you falling limp in slow motion. You instead have enough adrenalin to push her off of you and with the gun still firmly in your hands you shoot her twice in the chest.
Patricia falls to the floor in a bloody heap and you do likewise.
'Ugh damn it Patricia "
Patricia doesn't respond though since she's already dead. You'll be joining her soon. It's probably for the best anyway. Still, even though she was a crazy bitch, she's still the only love your life. You crawl over and grab her hand as you bleed out.
"Ha ha ha ha, Mom's gonna have a big ass mess to clean up when she gets home." You laugh as you start to lose consciousness and pass from this world.
And so ends the life of another basement dweller, but you know the old saying: "Tis better to have fucked your cousin and die, then to have never fucked your cousin at all."
Okay so that's not how it goes, but you still accomplished one major thing that most basement dwellers never do and that's getting laid by a real live girl. And it didn't even involve money or rape! Not to mention she was a jailbait family member. Do you realize how many sexual repressed Japs and jilted Rednecks dream to be in that position? Why some basement dwelling pedophile fucktards go through their whole pathetic lives too scared to act on their feelings and only content on wackin' it to prostitot beauty pageant pictures. YOU were living the dream man! You were living the fuckin' dream!
So cheer up and don't think of dying as a loss because a Winner is YOU!
You gather up all your courage for your next meeting with Patricia. You're really nervous and on edge. Your mom notices this before she goes to work.
"Hey Brian."
"AGHH! SHIT!" you shout, not realizing she was there. "Damn you scared me."
"Calm down, it's just me. Shit, Patricia's got you more jumpy than a five year old at a NAMBLA convention."
"Patricia? Uh I dunno "
"Cut the shit son, I know all about it. I wash your sheets remember?"
"You knew? You didn't care?"
"Well, I can't say I approved, but I guess I felt sorry for you. I mean hell you were finally getting laid and on a regular basis too. I figured if she got pregnant we'd just abort the unholy bastards. I didn't quite know how crazy Patricia was until I spoke to her mother recently though. I imagine you didn't either, but you were just so grateful for someone to fuck you. My sister Evelyn said they were going to ship her to some convent in South Seas, but strangely your relationship with her has had a calming effect. She seems to let most of her crazy shit out on you."
"Yeah, I noticed and I don't think I like it anymore." You say.
"Well, I can't say I blame you. I'm glad to see you have a backbone somewhere in that out of shape body of yours. Ah fuck, maybe some of this is my fault. I should've gotten you a hooker when you turned sixteen. At least you might've avoided this fucked up relationship."
At this point your mom opens up her purse and takes out her handgun and gives it to you.
"Here, take this. If you're going to break up with her, you might need it."
"I don't want to kill her!"
"Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but given how she is, you'd better have something to protect yourself. Now I'm going to work. Good luck son, and you better not leave a big fucking mess for me to clean up."
Wow, that's gotta be the first time your mom's been supportive. Of course now you're even more nervous.
Eventually Patricia comes over. She's in a horny mood and grabs your balls hard when you open the door.
"Hey you fucking perv. You ready to shove that little dick in me for a good two minutes before you get too tired? Hah! You're such a loser!" she says and then shoves her tongue in your mouth.
You push her back a bit and cover your balls while rubbing them in pain.
"Patricia, we really gotta talk."
"Yes we do! I wanna talk about the last Batman comic! Can you believe that " she says changing her tone as usual.
"No, Patricia we gotta talk about us."
"Oh?"
While Patricia looks at you expectantly, you start and stop several times in an attempt to tell her it's over, but just can't do it. Patricia on the other hand realizes what's going on and she gets very upset.
"You fucking bastard you're breaking up with me aren't you? YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT!"
"Now Patricia, it's not like that."
"Oh then how is it like? I gave my body, my love, my fuckin' SOUL to your sorry ass and this is how you repay me? Oh fuck no; you're not getting away with this shit!"
Patricia doesn't attack like you think she was going to, she starts to leave.
"What're you doing?"
"Me? I'm going home, that's what I'm doing! And I'm telling everyone of how you've been molesting and raping me on a routine basis. You'll be locked up and I hope some big ass black guys shove their dicks up your bitch ass every night!"
"Patricia, your parents and my mom already know about us." You say in the hopes it'll stop her.
Patricia does stop. She didn't expect that, but she quickly resumes her tirade.
"So what? Then they'll get in trouble too! I'm still underage not to mention your fucking cousin! I'll just go straight to the police and they'll take you all in! Regardless of what happens, you're still going to be in major fucking trouble and you'll still be taking it in the ass in jail!"
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's anger, maybe it's a combination, but you pull the gun on Patricia and order her to stop.
"Patricia, I can't let you do that." You say, while Patricia looks at you in disbelief.
"Brian?! You'd actually shoot me? Someone you used to love?"
"I still love you Patricia, but I can't let you go now. I would've before, but given your threats and your past abuses towards me, I can't take that chance. You're too chaotic and I gotta do this."
Patricia drops to her knees before you and starts to tear up. Her voice starts to quiver as she begs for her life.
"Brian (sob) please. Don't do this! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to treat you like that. I'm just all fucked up when I'm not on my medication. I'll start taking it! We can still be together. Just please (sob) Don't kill me!"
For a moment you drop your guard. It's a moment though that is your downfall. Patricia punches you in the nuts and tries to wrestle the gun from your hand. In the ensuing struggle she manages to turn the gun on you and pull the trigger. You feel pain spread from your stomach to every other inch of your body. However unlike the movies, this doesn't result in some "shocked" expression and you falling limp in slow motion. You instead have enough adrenalin to push her off of you and with the gun still firmly in your hands you shoot her twice in the chest.
Patricia falls to the floor in a bloody heap and you do likewise.
'Ugh damn it Patricia "
Patricia doesn't respond though since she's already dead. You'll be joining her soon. It's probably for the best anyway. Still, even though she was a crazy bitch, she's still the only love your life. You crawl over and grab her hand as you bleed out.
"Ha ha ha ha, Mom's gonna have a big ass mess to clean up when she gets home." You laugh as you start to lose consciousness and pass from this world.
And so ends the life of another basement dweller, but you know the old saying: "Tis better to have fucked your cousin and die, then to have never fucked your cousin at all."
Okay so that's not how it goes, but you still accomplished one major thing that most basement dwellers never do and that's getting laid by a real live girl. And it didn't even involve money or rape! Not to mention she was a jailbait family member. Do you realize how many sexual repressed Japs and jilted Rednecks dream to be in that position? Why some basement dwelling pedophile fucktards go through their whole pathetic lives too scared to act on their feelings and only content on wackin' it to prostitot beauty pageant pictures. YOU were living the dream man! You were living the fuckin' dream!
So cheer up and don't think of dying as a loss because a Winner is YOU!
