YazZMaN

I'll go with the 6. A lot of the rooms were rushed and you need to add in way more detail, but compared to most of the stuff on this site, you're doing okay. Especially since it's your first story.

On top of that, who doesn't like zombies?!

Cool name by the way.

You discust me!

You deserve this and you know it.

Your grammar is really good, and the plot was very clean and self-contained. On the downside though, most of the choices have obvious consequences (except for the flu shot one!) and the subject matter just didn't interest me.

If you made a more ambitious story that was longer and had more detail with well-defined characters, I think it would probably be really sweet.

Anyway, here's a 6.

Oh, and I found the "dot-loop room" extremely amusing for some reason.

The grammar and the randomness towards the end of the story is what's preventing me from rating it any higher. Still, this reads a lot better than most of the stuff on the site and I even found the first couple rooms to be somewhat interesting.

Work on your grammar, make the plot a little bit more coherent, and I think you'll eventually be able to make something worthy of at least an 8.

If the main character believes his one-your-year old baby thinks he's a dumb ass, then yes, he certainly IS a dumb ass!

Anyway, I couldn't even fight through the first couple rooms.

Gets most points for originality and grammar. I think this could be an hilarious story, but I would maybe flesh out the rooms and try to make more of a plot.

In other words, I wouldn't use the setup where you just pick a way to kill yourself and then see if your idea fails or works; I feel like there should be some sort of story running in the background.

Unfortunately I'm so busy I could only read about 5 or 6 rooms, but it looks really good so far. There weren't many spelling errors and you kept the story going at a good pace.

I'd recommend breaking up your writing into paragraphs (just hit "enter" twice) and shortening down the words included in the choice links, but this is good stuff.

For the first two questions, either choice could be correct and there's another question later on where the correct answer shouldn't be capitalized.

Still, this was a valiant effort at improving the grammar of future writers! Unfortunately, I doubt if even THIS story will have any effect.

Fallout 3 was a great game... that was never meant to be adapted into a short and random story.

Utterly pointless... we already have a story exactly like this that's several hundred times longer. The least you could do is try to make the rooms bigger.

The think I don't get about this is that the author seems intelligent. There's few grammatical errors and the story seems intricate in some vague way.

In the end, it simply wasn't coherent enough, and thus falls apart.

Pretty cool; there were a few simple mistakes and then plot was kind of thin, but the story is kinda fun.

You didn't seem to pay too much mind to grammar, but I didn't any dock points for that, since the lack of quotation marks and commas didn't make the story any harder to read.

Sorry, but you can't steal my (well, my friend's) story name.

I'm still waiting, ziggy.

It's amazing how accurate this is!

A quote from your story:

"In a nearby bush you see shakes."

...

Then why didn't you give the reader the option of drinking them? I WANT my shake!

I'm not a fan of Pokemon, but this story looks okay compared to the other fan fiction on this site.

Basically, I think you need to write using more details and your story doesn't branch enough (although it looks like that might change as the reader progresses). I like the way the beginning of the story is set up, though.

Not sure why.

Keep at it, dude.

Why does everything die of aids?

That's just weird, dude.

The writing's okay and your grammar is pretty good, too. Get's a seven because the story was kind of random and I didn't really get pulled into it.

I think you can do a lot better.

This wasn't all that great, but the first few rooms were enough to prove to me that you know how to write. The rooms got way to short and crazy-choppy after the initial choices, and I think you probably know it.

More effort, dude.

More effort.

By the way, I'm sorry to see that magic gave you an abusive rating. We have a lot of retards who roam the site and partake in such activities, so don't take it too hard.

I'm giving you this so that this story will go way down on the ratings list.

And hopefully nobody will ever have to view it.

Again.

Gets a three -- I'm not sure exactly why. I'm actually still very confused on how to rate this one.

Intentionally bad stories are hard enough to judge as it is; if they suceed in being good imitations of shitty writing, do you rate them high or low? Couple that with your semi-good grammar and the creepy references to Calen, and you've got a story that's nearly impossible to rate.

But it is possible.

Because I'm giving it a three.

Anbd I'm not sure whether you'll be happy or sad about it.

Do I care?

Probably not.

Man I'm tired.

Here's your three.

Here it is.

I really liked this. Simply a good story.

I know this comment/rating is coming in pretty damned late after the story was posted, but just in case you're still interested in what us other contestants have to say, here's what I think:

From what I read, it looks good; definitely not my style, but good.

Could it be better?

I think it could.

It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it was that seemed to be missing, but I think maybe there was too much "telling" and not enough "showing". It seems like a stupid rule that makes no sense -- the sort of thing that only tight-ass English teachers would preach about -- but I've found it to be very effective in my own work.

So, what are my suggestions?

Instead of having the narrator explain the background story, you could work it into the dialogue between the main character and the lawyer. This will make for a smoother intro. I know you did this partially, but I think in general almost ALL background story should be put into dialogue and/or events. It makes the story more interesting.

Second, I felt kind of distracted when the story kept going "into the protagonist's head". By this I mean that first you'd describe a scene and then give the main character's thoughts on what just happened. I can't remember word-for-word any passages right now, but I know they're there. Again, I feel most of this can be shown through external events.

Finally, I think there should be more description. There is some, but I felt like it wasn't enough to set the atmosphere.

Like I said, it's well-written overall (I'm giving it an 8, right?). One thing that looked really impressive was your characters; they were believable and interesting. Also, I liked how you focused on the "little picture". Small moments, like when the guard went and fetched his three buddies, helped put me in the story.

I would NOT start over, unless you've got a lot of time on your hands.

I look forward to seeing what what you've got at the end of the year.

Holy shit.

How much time do you have on your hands? I almost gave up, being certain that you had snuck a looping mechanism in here. This was worse than trying to reach the end of The Hall of Infinite Doors.

After reading the first room, I was actually expecting something that I could rate a 7. Unfortunately, all the following rooms were way too short, and the story lacked any real effort (although the grammar was much better than what I'm used to).

You seem like the type of person who has the ability to write good stuff, so if you put more time into what you're doing, your ratings will increase.

Fisrt of all, why the hell would you have to choose between having pepperoni or cheese on a pizza? I mean, I searched and searched for an option where I could get both, but there was only "Pepperoni" or "Cheese".

"Pepperoni"

or

"Cheese"

Am I mispelling pepperoni? Hopefully not.

Anyways, it was ridiculous.

Aside from the whole pizza catastrophe, the story needs more detail and dialogue. Funny ending, though.

Are you guys retarded?!

There's no way this story deserved a four, and anything less than a three is just... ridiculous. I can't pretend I cared for the actual plot, either, but this person can write! Isn't that the important thing? Writing a story that lives and breathes?

Anyway, Chuckismyhero, if you ever read this you did a great job with this story -- the amount of detail and dialogue might be slightly less than it needs to be, but not much. I'd say increase the room length and keep writing. In no time, you'll be on your way to a 9 or a 10.

Try making your rooms longer.

Read more. Try imitating the styles of published authors.

It might take a year or two, but I think you'll get the hang of it.

You forgot to add a story!

No, not kinda funny.

Not.

You've got brains, dude, and that usually means you've got writing potential as well -- you need to put more work into it is all. Make longer rooms, for a start. Often, the rest will come naturally.

This one was better than your other story, but still needs a lot of work.
I'm assuming you're new to the writing world, and that's OK -- you just need to get experience by reading and writing whenver you get the chance.

The only thing I can think to point out for this story, that wasn't covered in my last rating, is the scene in the beginning of the story where you describe a group of kids "ages 8 to 21" or something like that. I know it probably looks like you're doing good by being specific, but you're a lot better off writing something like "a group of teenagers" or "a group of young people of all ages" -- neither of those two example are great, but I think you get the idea. Listing exact ages like that doesn't help anyone except scientists.

Being too specific will push the reader out of the story; you have to allow people (a little) space to use their imaginations. Besides, something like "middle aged kids" gives us a much quicker and clearer image in the end, don't you think?

If you're interested in findng some quality stories on here, I'd reccomend:

- Anything by ChubbyTeletubby (as long as you don't get offended easily)
- Anything by Donteatpoop
- EndMaster's "Necromancer" (he's got some other good ones, but I can't think of the names right now)
- Dragavan's "From Darkness it Comes"

There's a lot more good stories on here, but those are the ones that come to mind.

Way back in infinite-story's early days, I would have given something like this a 7 or an 8 -- you've demonstrated that you can create a coherent story, and that's a lot more than can be said a lot of the stuff I've seen.

Nowadays, for better or worse, the bar has been raised. I can't justify giving it anything higher higher than a 6 for these reasons:

- The tense changes in the story

- The narrative changes from third to second person (you describe something that "you" [the reader] is doing in one part, and then something that "he" [Agent 49x] is doing in another)

- Grammatical errors

- Scenes weren't fleshed out enough

If you want to improve your writing, try to slow down things down a bit -- take it easy. Describe things in detail. Flesh out the characters. Review your writing when you've finished and make sure everything looks neat.

I know you're capable of these things, since there were a couple rooms with sufficient detail in here.

Since I think plotlines come natural for most people, here's a good general formula for writers:

Writers goal = Tell story quickly and "understandably" + Put reader inside of story using detail

It's about finding a balance between the details and the story. Move it along quick, but make sure the reader feels the scenes.

You'll find the balance if you read and write enough.

Stupid sunuvabitch.

The first story was so awful that you had to make a sequel and get us all again, huh?

It's like TheStoolRaidGuy said, this story was slightly better than it's predescessor, but still terrible enough to make even the most ignorant reader cringe.

Since this story is currently unratable, please post any any comments or suggestions you have on this page, or you can contact me via a private message.

<i>~TYM</i>

Pretty bad man. You'll have to put in a little effort before you get any criticism (which would currently be useless) from me.

Not enlightening, not funny, not worth glancing at.

This story constantly changes from past to present tense and has spelling errors up the arse. Also, there is a beautiful and nonexistant plotline.

Man, you just need to give it effort is all. I've wrote some pathetic shit in my day, I tell you what. My advise is to re-do this story all together. Just add some detail and fix all of your errors. Aim for a 7, my man, aim for a 7.

"Thats one goddamn crafty gnome. He thought ahead and planted a carbomb in your car."

It would have gotten a four, but this line, along with another one which I disremember, made me smile a little bit.

Other than that, the story is pretty rough looking. Sure it hit it's random mark, but unfortunately, people don't enjoy reading random stories unless they are detailed and have a rational plotline.

There's some effort - good to see it.

However, this tale needs more detail, fleshed out rooms, and character roundmanship.

Well Chubby, after some deep thinking I decided you're right: donteatpoop, homerpython/jeffisthebest, and especially myself, tend to rate new stories high, reguardless of their content, just to encourage them to stay and continue writing.

However, I did a little thinking during one of my nightly walks recently and decided that I'm going to put a halt to adding any extra rating points for first stories and give them what they deserve. I'm now indifferent to whether it was a first story or a last.

The reasoning is mainly because I feel that stories shouldn't be judged by what conditions a person wrote something under, but rather, the content of what they wrote.

This story had great content indeed. Excellent job Usoki. As I said in my comment, I'm not really into the overall plot, but the description was great.

The whole "complete-control" choices didn't bother me as they did donteatpoop. I see where he's coming from though. Since it's in the third-person perspective, I think it really brings down the annoyance level.

Good job.

Duke, for a first story it looks great.

You explain everything on the first page, and there aren't really any questions as to what's going on.

However, there are a few typos, and the story has so many components that the description can be hard to comprehend at times, I would personaly recommend simplifying it, but it's your call.

Since it's your first story I added an extra point, as I always do, to make your score a 9. Great job.

It's amazing for a first story.

Your description was almost effortlessly perfect, and your storytelling skills showed throughout.

The only things I didn't much care for were:

1.)The plot itself (I'm not saying the plot was <i>bad</i> since it's mainly a matter of opinion... the God's tea party just didn't catch my eye).

2.) The narrarative intervention (I do this in my stories sometimes too, but something about it didn't flow well with me in this story. This is also pretty much a matter of opinion and so, I really have nothing to criticize).

I'm not going to rate the story yet because only 6 rooms are done, and I'd like to get a more accurate idea of what I'm really looking at here.

*Extra Note*

I know you said you had hoped a lot of people would add to this story. Unfortunately, all can say is that I hope you don't expect to much. When the site first came out, adding to stories was very common, but nowadays we just tend to write our own thing and leave it be. I'll try to add a room or two, once I finish Chapter 1 of my novel. Good luck with this story.

Yes, there is effort and for a first story, it's defenitely good.

However, as it turns out, the only missing elements are things that pretty much kill a story when they are missing: Plot, character development, and though you had description, I'd like to see it on a little bit of a deeper level.

I disagree with donteatpoop that the whole "run around screaming" thing was irrational, because I believe there are a lot of people I know, who would do just that if they woke up in a pitch black room.

I do think that some of the events seemed illogical and appear to have been written in a bit of a hurry, most notably the in the room where the reader's body freezes just because they look out a window, before you inform them that the reason is because they are dead.

Just keep writing, you clearly have potential.

(Sometimes I feel like I'm the "Richard Simmons" of this site)

This story probably is worthy of an 8, but it cracked me right the fuck up.

You've just about got everything down, just increase your description and make the rooms a little longer.

Gets +2 for the "retry" button and +1 for the twist ending. ; )

It needs more description, more effort, and more storyline (unless you are trying to be this random). It gets a 6 because of the rather clever "retry" button which I've been hoping to see for some time now.

Oh hell, since it's your first story, (I think) I'll knock it up to a 7.

I pretty much agree with what everybody else said. For a first story, it owns. I know.

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I knew Arnold would make good on his word and be back, but I sure as hell didn't expect to see him roaming around in this mound shit.

"Osta levista baby!"

First story= decent. Second story= bad.
More description girl, DESCRIPTION! You need more of a set plot to. The reader dosn't like to virtually create they're own story unless there are hundreds of rooms, which one person hasn't the potential to make.

Haha, so hardcore my friend. Hey, I think she tried. I know I probably had some way worse ideas at times.

Whoa man, you're out of control with this story lmao. I would rate, but I have no idea what the fuck--

*ahem*

"f*ck" I would give it. It's an interesting idea to say the least. Good luck finishing it.

Pretty good. For some reason, I thought I had read this story before and never bothered to check it out until I came across your "I'm rediculous" forum post.

Here's how it compares to your other stories: The writing and description is worse, while the plot is much more suspenseful and gripping.

Stories that have an insane plot (not random) almost always get overlooked. People just don't realize how fucki'n fun they are. ; )

This is probably my second (or third) favorite story from you. It's at par with Paco Valdez.

ChubTub's thoughts were mine exactly.

It looks pretty good so far man. It'll be better once you add more rooms.

I'm generally not a a fan of the whole Harry Potter CYOAs (though I love the novels), but for a first story you made a very good effort.

Pretty goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!

Ahhh, for the second time, I agree with homer. That damned Devil Boy was awful.

I'm half and half. While drugs and racial discrimination is very funny, severed baby limbs are just gross. They're kind of funny if they still wiggle though...

It was good, but the only path that was really funny was the "keep Ducky Park clean" one. Though, the other paths had their moments. Now I know you said that you weren't trying to make this story "laugh out loud" funny, but the problem that surfaces here, is that this story relys on humor and random action as it's main entertainment supply. Without them, the story just kind of drags on at parts.

The description was perfect (as always) so we can skip that part.

The character, for the most part, was funny and his illogical thoughts kept the story going. I noticed a few times when I felt his personality seemed way out of character, though. Most notably in the line where it said something similar to:

'That's the way it is,' you think. 'being evil is always more fun because there are no morals or rules to abide by. You can do anything you want.'

It seems like the chracter, who is supposed to be noticably slow, is having these thoughts which would apear to be way over his comprehension. (I'm guessing that that's probably your own perspective on being evil by the way... Mine too.)

There were also a few spelling errors, but so few that even ol' Mikey would have trouble finding them.

If it was time for the contest already, I would probably rate a 9.1 - 9.3

I don't like rating unfinished stories so I'll leave a comment instead.

Your first story was 5X as good as this one so far. I'm assuming you weren't really trying. It has a kind of interesting storyline with 911 and all, but it lacks detail, plot, and action.

I don't like rating unfinished stories so I'll leave a comment instead.

Your first story was 5X as good as this one so far. I'm assuming you weren't really trying. It has a kind of interesting storyline with 911 and all, but it lacks detail, plot, and action.

You play SC too?

See children drugs are bad, and if you don't believe me, ask your dad, and if you don't believe him ask your mom. She'll tell you how she does em all the time.

So kids so no to drugs, so you don't act like everyone else does. And there's really nothing else to say, drugs are just bad, mmmmkay?

Easily the best story on this website.

If it was for the contest, I would have given it an 8.4.

The description of the landscape is excellent, but I'd like to see a little more detail like: What kind of smells are there? What does it look like when you kill someone? Is it bloody? What kind of thoughts are going through the main character's head during the battle? What are the emotions of these people?

The whole twist thing was pretty cool, but I thought that the reason that the terrorists were there (to make poor people rich) was cheezy (anything can happen though right?). Maybe if you added in what drove these people to take children hostages just to make poor people the rulers it would seem better...

For example: Maybe some rich person killed these guy's parents (I know that's not a good one, but I feel like there should be some kind of driving factor there).

Pretty good anyways.

Looks nice.

Almost ; )

Looks good.

Okay Chubby, you fucking win. Here's your 10 (after reading that toke scene, it made me realise this story's true potential [taking place sometime deep in the past or late future with odd connections to our present world]).

This story is looking excellent so far. The detail and writing you use is superior to any other kind on the site, the pictures were good, and you can also see traces of your own personality within the story:

"I have the... leprosy"

"Phinneas from Phlorida? Where do you come up with this stuff?"

I'm choosing not to rate it until it develops a little further since there isn't really any action yet and I can't decide just based on what I've read whether to give you a 9 or 10 (but I'm leaning toward that 10).

True, true. A lot of work <I>did</i> go into this story. And better yet-- it's finished. I gave it an 8 though because it lacks good detail and (call me picky) it didn't seem... proffesional. For stories of this kind, I like to see pictures in every room... maybe even music sometimes.

And I know that dude in the hut was inspired by Hagrid from Harry Potter. Lmao, very good story though.

Like so many stories, it was probably very good during it's era.

Twas better than average.

The concept itself was kind of funny and you made it look proffesional. ; )

I liked the quanity, it started off very nice, and the wrting was alright. You just need to add more detail and fix up the storyline a little.

...It had a really cool picture of the choppy head guy...

This is your first story that I know of and besides, I had fun choking on a pea.

Your story needs a lot more descrition and it also needs to be a lot longer but those are things that usually come with time. Plus there are a lot of grammar errors... keep this story away from Michalerayholt.

ExShin wasn't #1? You get a 1 homer and if there was an option, you'd get a 0! A damn 0! You hear me?

In every Choose Your Own Adventure story that I write, the main character shares a lot of what I consider the rather important aspects of my personality or "who I am". So what I like to do is build around these core traits and in some cases, the main character even has beliefs which are entirely contradictory to mine. When this happens, I usually know I'm on to something.

For the main character in Beneath The Black Mind this did not happen at all. In fact, when I first began to write it, I thought it would end up as shit. I felt like all I was doing was re-writing things that have happened in my life and in many ways, I was.

Eventually I had to go back and practically re-write the first three rooms taking a new approach with the main character. Instead of making this person have an entirely new personality, I decided to kind of base the story around "how this person's personality would change under these circumstances".

Using a combination of my own experience with mental illness, and kind of saying occasionaly "Whoa, wouldn't it be crazy if I had done this?" or "What if this had happened?" or even "What our principal had been like this?" I managed to web together a story which immediately became my favorite. I think I might have even used a little imagination on this one.

Do I expect anybody else to like the story? Not really. Most people will probably find it boring or too "dreamy". Hell, I'd probably be right in the group if hadn't spent a few weeks writing it. And oh yeah, special thanks to one of my favorite childhood video game characters. ; )

Now, I can truly say that the comments page is very useful. Thanks for reading all this.

lmfao

Donteatpoop, you are literally an artist in the works of writing comedy. These three flawless rooms are motherfucking brilliant. I liked what I read so far even better than "Escape" and I'm not even a fan of humor stories.

Maybe it has something to do with your humor reminding me of the kind my friend used when he wrote "When Zombies Attack" (Yes, I didn't actually write that story)only lot better.

I'm not going to rate it yet since you noted that you didn't want to release it so quickly, and it's not complete, etc.

Anyways, back in the day, before we had authors like donteatpoop and chubbyteletubby, before we all evolved in our writing, I would have given this a 9 but now the bar has been raised so much that today I would probably give it a 7-8. It's not bad but I don't like the overall concept of how it's less like a descriptive story and more like a training course for world domination. But I that's what you were going for. Anyways, it was pretty good.

("The Item" CYOA version was still much better ;))

How's it going Bill? Huh?

How's it going Bill? Huh?

We will see homer! my goal now is to top your stopry whether I win or lose! (In case you were wondering what it said lmao ; ))

<B><font size=+6>We will see Homer! My goal now is to top your story whether I win or lose!</B></Font>

Dear lord have mercy on my soul!!! You could kill a person with this f*cking story. It's gets an 8 entirely because of umm... "special effects" and a good use of subliminal messages. Otherwise it would have gotten 2.

Pretty good.

Not bad man.

Haha, that 10 was pretty "ridiculous" wasn't it?

The writing could have been better, the rooms could of been longer, and the pages could have been more quantiful but something about this story made me like it. And how much you enjoy the story is what ratings were meant for in the first place, were they not?

You did an excellent job with this story, not short of great. It has a lot of freedom, changes in the story mood, and it has spectacular detail. In my opinion, this is in this website's top 3 stories at least.

(I noticed a few grammaer/spelling errors)e but the story was so good that I coudn't dock any points for them.

I'm not going to lie to you, this story was f*cking terrible. I'm not sure if you made it bad purposely or just because you are new to writing/very young so I'll give you a five for assuming you tried somewhat.

Please rate and give your opinion of this story. Thanks.

Really, really good- defenitely a fresh aproach to a CYOA story. I would have liked to see more action is the only drawback I can find.

: (

Good writing-nice pictures-few spelling errors-not much action.

Haha, you crazy-ass donteatpoop. Once again other good and long story with that mixed in sense of humor.

To many loose ends and relatively short rooms earned the minus 4. Everything else was alright. Defenitely a lot of potential with this story

"Mediocre?"
-Squidward Tentacles

Wow, this story probably had more effort into it than any other story I've seen and the writing was very good but it got so confusing that it nearly made me lose my mind. Still, good job.

Kind of cool how there are so many possibilities and you can explore almost endless places but the story didn't really have very much event. ONE of the authors used pretty good writing but the other one's writing was unfortunately "sucky". Overall, not a bad story... good pics.

No good. : (

"This a boring choice and nothing happens. THE END???!!!!"

How do make that picture of the middle finger again.....?

This story is strange because all the choices seem to lead to the same destination.

Wow... I'm shocked. The idea is brilliant. Some of the best story writers in the world couldn't come up with a better idea. The over-exageration of crappy writing is genious in the most crappy way that it's undescribable. It matches crappy writing perfectly yet gets out the point of the story's existance. I couldn't give it 10 because the writing was crappy but I gave it 9 because the idea was so damn good.

Pretty well-written with good detail. Once in a while it has funny parts. Overall the ninja turtles is an interesting concept idea but I gave the story an 8 because I got bored with it.

Keep up the good work, a little more detail and a little more of an original plot would get you a 10.

Decent. Not bad writing. Needs paraghraphs broken up. Also would be better if their were more drugs than coke.

It's defenitely one of those "proffesionaly made" stories. It has a lot of writing and the pictures made it more interesting (thank God). But making the story look good and having a good writing style alone will get you no place. You have to make the plot more exciting... I mean, I ended up gambling on a football team my first time and that was it. The key element to making good stories is an original plot and new ideas. Be more creative and you'll be a great writer.

Hilarious and truly genious. The rooms contained detail along with length and the humor wasn't pushed upon the reader in a retarted way like most stories. Defenitely a piece of brilliance. Keep dealing your crack!

I agree EXACTLY. A flawed masterpiece describes this perfectly. The writing has a buttload of glitches and the story is so sucky (not trying to be mean) yet random that it gives you the feel anything can happen. This is probably the most random story on the site. For being so poorly made, it was very fun.

Good story, I'd just like to know what the hell happened to all the pictures... and music.

Not bad! You have a lot of nice good/ bad choices but I would like to see longer rooms and more detail in your tale. You have the right mind for a CYOA writer though. Keep working.

:(

The idea and way the story was made in a 3rd person perspective was so original, unique, and interesting that it blew my mind. Good job.

Probably one of the best fantasy/adventure stories on the site.

This was a good and well written story, really followed the Zelda games. The only thing is that I like games with original ideas and self-made stories better.

Wow, very good especially for being a group story.

Whoever made this is both weird and smart. Good story.

Wow, you had a great starting idea and I love your your style. I do think you should make paragraphs though. Nice pics too ;) I'd like to see another story from you.

I find it hard to believe that in the relatively short period of time you have been on this site, you have made over five good stories. You must have a lot of patience to sit down and write so many rooms, especially considering how developed your rooms are. There is nothing wrong with the story at all but I'd like to see more... 'unique' ideas for story topics such as Escape. This story had very good writing and I liked how the choices led to actual logical things happening. Great story.

This story was defenitely a poorly written and a poorly made one. The idea is pretty shitty overall and the story tries to be funny but ends up being... stupid.

As for they gay steroetype? Who cares? Whoever made the story didn't make it with the sole intention of offendng gay people. The person who made the story probably knows gay people don't really act how he portrayed them in his story. The person was just trying to be funny, not mean... even though the failed miserably.

I hope you enjoy this story, I will be working hard to complete it along with it's two sequels... or preludes (hint hint). Please rate this and I'm open to all idea's. Also be sure to inform me of any grammar mistakes or glitches.

This story is the only story I have ever given a 10. I disagree strongly with homerpython about this not belonging under romance. This story captures heartbreak perfectly and the idea is so original and unique that it's just unbelievable. The twisted adventure to New York and away from heartbreak is so depressing and boring that it gives the entire story a sad and demented feel. Great job, this is the most well-written story on the site.

"I walk a lonely road..."

It had it's good points and it's bad points... you would've got a 6 if you hadn't had that cool little picture of the city at the beggining

"Yeah!"

THANK YOU MEGAMAN!

This story inspired me to become gay and now I have my own pet gerbil and a husband!

One of the best stories on the site for being a bunch of crap written by a talentless fool known as donteatpoop. A lot like the Dark Tower books.

This was a bunch of crap written by a talentless fool known as donteatpoop. Not bad! :)

My impression on this story was the writing is excellent, couldn't be better. You did an great job with descriptions and I also really enjoyed how you are thrown right into the story, yet it dosn't take you long to uncover everything you need to know about the plot. The idea for "the item" was also quite unique and interesting.

The negative things about this story are that after the first two or so rooms the rest of the rooms became short and I did get bored with them. Also time passed to quickly for me to get to know the characters even somewhat... particularly myself and the item. An example is how many months pass by in a few sentences when you take the item into the wilderness. Overall, this story probably makes you the single most improved writer on this website but I think it needs more time.

I can't believe that hardly anyone rated this higher than 6-7. I thought it was great idea and you do get very interested reading this story. There seem to be a lot of complaints about the begining rooms not being all together but I thought it made it more interesting with the clicking lol. The one thing I really do think you should change is the choice of going back to the park remaining two rooms ahead of the original choice... I mean when you can't turn back, that's what makes CYOA stories what they are... makes them more fun and risky.

This is a pretty good CYAO, lots of writing and a fair amount of choices... I'm really not sure what homerpython and his little friend above are talking about when they say it's a short story. They obviously didn't play very far into your CYAO and made a misjudgement.

Good story. If only it didn't have any loose ends I would give it a 10.

Man this story is good fun, interesting and the looping is excellent. The condition/health/item scheme is actually pretty simple to figure out, and adds alot more interactivity to the story.

Nice story, the bear Mr. Wiggles really makes it unique. Looking forward to that extra story you send to the raters... =)

Hey! I thought you said it was finished...(Sorry about the 5, I just got disappointed when I came to a loose end.) Off to an alright start, but it's gonna need work, I had no idea what was going on I just knew I stabbed a guard...

Hey this story is pretty good. It's similar to my story (When zombies attack) but you have your own writing style. I would reccommend fixing a few of the spelling errors but other than that this story is off to a good start.

Alot of looping and what not, pretty cool because it keeps me from having to go back a room, and also keeps there from being loose ends. I'll give you an honest 6.

Interesting...Very Interesting...Who knew it could be so difficult to get into your own attic?

Very well done. This is the kind of story to enjoy with a bowl of cornflakes...

Very interesting story, where the possibilities are limitless, which is pretty much what this site is about, right? Anyways, your right it does vary, but it just so fun to do whatever the heck you feel like. That's why it's so sad when you run into a dead end. =(

This story has some good laughs and was obviously put together by someone with a sense of humor. As for saving the sister, I think I tried all the ways and didn't manage the rescue. Thus I give it, 7.

I am the author and I feel this is a pretty good story and has an interesting plot. Of course, that's what all authors think about their stories...